Disaster and Guilt

My voice startled them and they clumsily sprung up from their places.

“Zenzo!” exclaimed Anna, “thank god… you are ok…”

“Zenzo, how are you feeling?” asked Braun, putting on a smile.

“Zenzo… I’ve heard the details… you did good,” said Xax, with a depressed look on his face.

But I didn’t need anyone’s concern or compliments.

I just wanted an answer to my question.

“…where is Gyorn?” I asked again.

“…”

They hung their heads and dreary mood filled the infirmary.

It couldn’t be…

They can’t be serious…

“…is he…?” my voice trembled.

“…he is not…” said Xax, “…he… can’t be… he is not the kind of man who would meet his end just from that…”

It seemed like Xax was trying to convince both himself and me at the same time.

“…then… where is he…?” I asked.

“…we don’t know,” Xax answered. “Now that you are awake… can you tell us… where you saw him last…?”

My head drooped towards the ground.

They didn’t know anything.

They were hoping that I was aware of something they weren’t. That I could point them in the right direction.

Except I couldn’t…

“…I don’t remember what happened…” I said to him. “…my memories… cut off from the point I destroyed the cliff.”

Followed by despairing, downcast looks, it was obvious that this wasn’t what they wanted to hear.

They waited for nothing.

“…that’s… a shame…” he said painfully.

A loud silence filled the room.

If only he was here, everything would be back to normal, and better...

But he wasn’t.

Just as my life was going in a brighter direction, they took the one responsible for that away from me…

“…how long has it been already?” I asked.

“…four days…” said Xax.

My eyes widened.

“…so he… is missing… for four days already…?” I asked in disbelief.

Xax nodded, “…we suspect… in a similar fashion to the royal guard in Braun’s report not too long ago…” said Xax.

Sadness and frustration were contorting my face.

When everything was going so well…

How could this happen?

Why did this happen?

Suddenly, it hit me.

The realization that I could be the person to blame for this disastrous outcome.

Lumps in my throat, I needed to know.

“…what happened… Braun…” I asked despairingly, “…did it… not work…after all…?”

“…no, it worked… it was not your fault…” he replied, “we… got separated… because of the country-scale mage…” Braun faltered.

“…what?”

“…that man… was skilled enough to react,” said Braun, “…he saw through the attack and came after us…”

“…”

“…we would be dead if it wasn’t for Gyorn…”

“…what happened with the mage…?” I asked hopelessly.

“…first, Gyorn took care of the enforcers that were circling us from the back… then, the mage came out…”

“…he kept targeting Anna…” said Braun tormentedly.

“…because Gyorn was protecting her from every attack... the mage kept holding back on purpose… he wanted Gyorn to die slowly… bleed out and succumb… to the accumulating injuries…”

My heart was racing.

Hearing this was unbearable.

Fists clenched, I felt like finding this mage and ripping him to shreds this instance, but I continued listening.

“…then… Gyorn told us to… go… in the direction of water while he distracted the mage…

“…he stopped running and faced off with the mage…

“…that was… the last time we saw him…

“…we found the river… and the mage stopped pursuing us…

“…we swam along the river and were able to reach the hideout in the morning…

What?

“…then, I changed my clothes and went to search —"

“…you left him… alone…?”

“…I could not leave Anna by herself…” he said, “…there could still be —"

“…you saw him getting slaughtered… and chose to continue running…?”

I knew I was lashing out at the wrong person, but it was too late…

“…Zen—”

“…she is safe now… it’s been four days… and you are still here?”

“Zenzo!” yelled Anna.

Braun was completely silent. He was quietly taking my hurtful, poisonous words.

“…when you asked for help… HE DIDN’T JUST SIT AROUND!” I yelled.

“Zenzo —” said Xax.

“…why are you not saying anything… why are you just sitting around… TELL ME… WHY ARE YOU STILL HER—”

Anna slapped me.

There she stood, tears filling up her eyes, and disillusion spreading all over her face.

“…YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HE WENT THROUGH…” she yelled.

“WHAT? WHAT DID HE GO THROUGH? HE LOOKS PERFECTLY FINE TO ME!”

She was breaking down.

“HE WAS INJURED, YET HE STILL RESCUED YOU!”

“Injured —?”

“YOUR ATTACK SHATTERED HIS BONES!”

“HE WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN!”

The only sound that remained in the room was her heartfelt crying, resonating against the walls.

…

That day, I learned some horrifying details.

Details, because of which I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

Being able to walk meant everything in our world, especially for those who didn’t use magic.

Once you lost that ability, your life was pretty much over.

That went double for this man.

The man who frequently went on missions to the surface and investigated important matters better than anyone else.

The man who had everyone’s trust in this city.

The man who remained the kindest to me since I arrived here.

The man whom I shamelessly ridiculed and who now has a lifelong injury, because of my actions.

…

One day has passed since then.

Guilt was overwhelming me.

I had no right to see Braun and apologize, so I decided to offer up a prayer to God.

Lord Asclepius, son of Apollo, God of medicine and healing, if you can hear my voice, then I beg you, please, help Braun. Entertain my ludicrous plea for I was the one who caused his adversity. Save him from the misfortune of spending the rest of his life without the ability to fulfill his grander purposes. Grant us the honor of witnessing your divine power, a miracle, and help him walk once again… please…

…

Three days have passed.

It was impossible to know where Gyorn could be…

The likelihood of him being alive was not high either.

I was becoming nauseous the more I thought about it.

I was surprised that Xax agreed to listen to me after what happened, but since I couldn’t bring myself to face Braun, I decided to briefly discuss some details with him that continued bothering me.

“…when I woke up that day, there wasn’t anyone near me…” I said. “I understand why the country-class mage was gone, but what about all the enforcers… there wasn’t a single droplet of blood, nor a speck of hair there…”

“Where did you wake up?” asked Xax.

“…pile of rocks from the cliff I destroyed…” I answered. “If they died in that attack, their corpses should’ve been there… if someone came to retrieve their corpses, they could’ve killed me… if they didn’t die and were perfectly fine, they could’ve killed me…” I reasoned. “…what do you think…?”

But there was nothing to think.

Especially with Xax in the state he was in. Barely standing, he looked like insomnia was hitting him harder than ever.

He remained silent, evidently sorting out not just this conversation in his head, but another thousand-worth.

Reaching an impasse, I eventually went back to my room.

I wanted to spend my time looking for Gyorn, but Xax didn’t let me.

Apparently, he had already sent some people out to search for him, so the only thing I could do was wait – the most painful choice available.

Why?

Because the longer we waited, the less opportunities we had remaining to save Gyorn, if he was still alive…

…

A week passed, but no one returned.

There wasn’t even a word from anyone about how things were going.

I was reaching my limit to how long I could stay put and bide my time.

I heard a scream.

I ran out of my room in the direction of the commotion.

Sprinting down the corridor, I arrived at the scene.

Anna was crying, hugging someone.

Xax was there too, smiling with his insomniac eyes.

It was Braun. Standing up on his own.

He saw me looking in, and his cheerful face turned uneasy.

The whole room got infected with the mood swing.

“…Zenzo…” he uttered.

I don’t know when it happened, but soon, my arm started covering my face.

My body trembling, I shielded my weeping with one arm and clenched my fist in the other.

Feelings mixed, my happiness for his sudden recovery was offset by my perpetual guilt.

It was an agonizing feeling.

Suddenly, I was jerked forward by an unknown force.

It was Anna.

Crying, she pushed me towards Braun, who also had tears in his eyes.

“…I am… sorry…” I mumbled, “…please… forgive me…”

“…I am sorry too, for being powerless and unable to protect Gyorn… let’s find him…”

With that, my grievous guilt subsided, and my worries focused entirely on Gyorn.

At least that was what I thought was going to happen.

Until a man’s collected stress and lack of sleep caught up with him.

With a heavy crash, the last person I expected to fall in this world, fell.

“FATHER…!”