Part I

Just a mare woman! That's what I am to my father, as he was nice to remind me of that again. Mistake, I'm a mare woman with some value when my hand would be put as a point in a marriage contract. Too bad for the king that out of four kids only I survived.

My poor brothers did not, my older brother fell in love with a girl when he was sixteen, but unfortunately he wasn't the only one charmed by that lady and died after a fierce duel with his love rival. I was thirteen then, my younger brothers ten and seven. The youngest was taken by the sickness after fighting with it for months at the age of nine, the middle fell from the horse when he was fourteen, the accident and his injuries were so serious, he died three days later.

The grief took away my mother and for seconds my father's senses. As long as at least one of my brothers was alive I could learn, as the king wanted to give the world an educated princess who would have something to say in the place she would be married into. However it was not needed when the succession within male line was not possible the pretty and easy to manipulate princess would be wanted by anyone enough to rule the kingdom.

I was sure that I could easily deal with that responsibility, but that was an option my father didn't want to hear about. He was at least nice enough to let me choose from the candidates, who wouldn't destroy the only thing he would care about. Of course, as the chance to lay hands on the richest kingdom showed up, a lot of princes came and stayed for a while.

The rules my father in all of his graciousness he arranged with me were simple. I am choosing one of the candidates except for Jacob, the prince of the poorest kingdom. However the king of that land once saved my father's life, so he has to agree to let him take part in this contest to get me. There was a problem that Jacob and my father's favorite to win Romuald were the two I would even consider to choose from. Truly speaking I didn't want to make a decision at all, but the more I was holding it over, the more my father was getting angry and inpatient, as he should prepare my future husband to rule properly and introduce him to his plans for the kingdom's future.

The problem was also that to let me and himself know the candidates he invited them to our castle and my tardiness just cost us more and more. After all he had to provide them with conditions worthy members of royal families, such as a place to stay, food and entertainment of the highest quality. My father quickly found the favourite one, I needed more time.

After another feast where I was sitting surrounded by men, who were fighting about my attention with the numbers of compliments. The reasons behind them, quite monotonous: my beauty, smile, charm and embroidery. I wasn’t aware that even every single hair on my head is perfect. When I wanted to talk about something not trivial, suddenly my existence stopped bothering anyone. The frustration was only rising in me and that moment Romuald decided to approach me. I was playing chess with myself, because no one wanted a game, which wouldn’t require anything from them and worse, they would have to let me win and they weren’t ready for that sacrifice yet.

“Need an opponent?” he asked, before sitting next to me.

“Yes, but only if he is willing to take the game seriously.” I answered, inviting him.

“You seem delicate, but you are combative.” Romuald commented and proposed to me that I should choose the colour.

“I had brothers. The rivalry is nothing strange for me.” I said, waiting for him to start a battle on the chessboard.

Our game was fierce, I managed to win. Barely because my opponent was a tough one, but the game was really entertaining because of that simple reason. The last time I had a headache after playing games was when my older brother was still alive and I have never won with him, even our father couldn’t. I smiled at that memory and had to accept only one congratulation from Jacob. It seemed like comforting Romuald, because he lost a game to a woman, was more important. Someone noticed that if he would marry me, at least he won’t be that bored spending time with me. Then I had a few games with others, but that wasn’t enough for them to take me seriously.

“Which dress would you like to wear today?” My maid and closest friend asked. We were the same age and I was so thankful for her being around, because I felt like only she could understand the emotions which I couldn’t show anywhere else.

“Does it matter? I would put a sack on me and still be called pretty or beautiful or whatever poetic way to describe my beauty they would find.” I answered and screamed when she pulled my hair while combing it.

“Isn’t it nice to be adored? And by so many?” She pretended that pull was not intended.

“Of course it is.” I defended myself, prying the comb from her hand. “The problem doesn't lie in adoration at all, but what they are complimenting. I think there are more things to praise in women than just their face and body. In my opinion we are worth much more than that.” I made my statement clear. My friends just rolled her eyes and once again asked me to choose a dress so she could take care of her other duties.

“What about pointing out the one, who your father likes?”

“What my father is looking for is not exactly what I need, after all I will have to deal with the consequences of the marriage. And I don’t want put myself in the torture of every day life with a wrong man.” I explained.

“I am not in your position and I would never be, but aren’t your expectations too high?”

“Too high?” I always thought that she would understand me, but at times when she didn’t I was getting a bit angry. “Expecting my husband to treat me like someone equal to him with respect and taking my words into consideration even with the most important matters is too high? What are yours then?”

“I just want my husband to treat me well enough, so I won’t have new bruises every day and go into bigger poverty by his side.”

My friend shrugged her shoulders. I told her to go, as I didn’t want to admit that I forgot that our lives were completely different, after all our social statutes were far from each other and there are situations when we just couldn’t understand the other’s way of thinking. I didn’t have to deal with fame or see my mother being beaten over the smallest issue, like my maid did, but still she could smile and joke, and in my opinion, if she was born in a noble or royal family her charm would make men stand in a line just to ask for her hand. Me, I was sure I could rule a kingdom, but was I strong enough to make it through another day, when my basic needs weren’t met? I decided to apologise to her the next day. My friend was strong and smart and I needed people like that.

However I still didn’t have any specific plan on how to deal with the situation I was in. The more time I spent with the men fighting for my hand, the more I was sure that I didn't want to choose any of them except for Romuald and Jacob. The longer they had to wait it was harder for them to keep the facade, of course they were trying to get my attention, but playing nice was tiring for them too. Glimpses of their true nature were more and more visible, the frustration, the impatience for going back to freedom were rising and I didn’t like the way they were treating the help, because they were the only way they could pour it out. I knew that the faster I would make a decision, I had a chance to not let anything seriously bad happen.

I was afraid of the revenge of those who weren’t chosen, even though they agreed they wouldn’t seek it, but I couldn’t be so sure. Hurting a man's pride could lead to unpredictable results, so I would rather not say no to them one by one, but get rid of them at once, so they would just go, talk it through and agree that I wasn’t worth it. And even limiting the choice to the two still didn’t make it much easier, it even made it worse, because there was nothing that could easily determine which one of them is better. Both Romuald and Jacob were showing and telling me things I wish to see and hear, the hardest part was to find out which one is more honest with it. Probably I won’t find out until our marriage lasts a bit, my father dies or decides to give the crown before leaving this world., but I wouldn’t count on that option much.

I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I went to the garden, where I used to spend a lot of time with my brothers. We were playing there, watched by our mother, so I didn’t like taking walks there, as it was bringing a lot of painful memories, however sometimes I felt like it could help me ease my mind a bit. Maybe if they weren’t gone I wouldn’t even consider getting a crown, but it happened and…