Chapter 6: Breaking a Promise

I used to hate Pia. People say hate is such a strong word, and I agree. It really is.

But it is also true. At least for me.

I'm still ashamed of it. Of me.

My mother was gone, but Pia was still here, all tiny and loud and needy. So freaking needy.

She didn’t let my father dress her, it had to be me. She didn’t want to eat unless I fed her. And she wouldn’t fall asleep if she wasn’t in my arms.

I had lost a mother and had been forced to become one.

It all felt so deeply unfair.

I didn’t want to console Pia. I didn't want to hold her until she stopped crying.

I wanted to be the one being held.

So perhaps it makes sense. Perhaps it is understandable.

But that doesn’t make it right.

I still feel guilty.

Guilty about sneaking out, spending days swimming around aimlessly just to get away from her.

To get a break from her cries, from her nightmares and her emotional outbursts. So I could be alone and feel my own emotions.

But Pia needed me. In many ways, I really had become her mother.

And I wasn’t a good one.

Still, she loved me. Every time my father dragged me back, Pia welcomed me with open arms. Her tiny arms stretched so far that I was afraid they would break.

She would laugh and yelp, eyes filled with tears of joy. Not anger or sadness, but joy.

Maybe that’s another reason I kept leaving. Because I loved the feeling of coming back home.

Even if it was a home where so much had been lost.

Because in those small moments, when she would welcome me back, the world felt like it wasn’t broken anymore.

***

I kiss my sister’s forehead, careful not to wake her.

She's been clinging to me for hours, begging and pleading me to stay.

It reminds me a lot of when we were younger. I didn’t listen then either.

I swim away, leaving her behind, once again.

What will it be like for her, when she wakes up?

Will she remember what it felt like when she was a child?

When she reached for me after a nightmare, fingers finding nothing where I should be?

I promised her I'd never leave her like that again.

Yet here I am.

Doing it again.

The thought tears at my heart and I cannot stop looking at her.

Am I just making sure she doesn’t wake up?

Or tying to memorize her face in case I will never see her again?

I feel tears spill from my eyes and they merge with the ocean.

What will it be like, to cry, without the ocean there to wipe away my tears?

I flap my fin and rush forward.

Tear my eyes from her.

There is no point in looking back.

Instead, I focus on the way the ocean's water bends around my tail.

The sea is more than my home. It’s my very being. And it will always be a part of me.

No matter what happens.

No matter what price I'll have to pay.

I won't lose that.

Lies.

I'm lying again.

Even to myself.

***

I reach the island and spot the prince’s ship.

I hate that I care. Why did it take me so long to like Pia, who has done nothing but love me, and with him…

I shake the thought from my head. I just want to make sure that all of them are alright, that is all.

It’s just natural, really. To care for other living creatures. For humanoids. No, sirenoids. That's what they clearly are.

So I swim up to the ship. It is dark. But I can see light reflect on the ocean’s surface. A light that shines through a single window.

I swim up to it, drawn to it like a small fish to an angler fish’s glowing bulb. And then I see him. Ludwig.

He is alive.

A strange warmth spreads through my chest. I stare at him. No. I’m not staring at him. Why would I do that?

I am studying what he is doing. Yes. It is important to observe him. He could be plotting something nefarious.

A book is spread open in front of him. He is reading something.

I crane my neck to get a better look. And can't believe what I am seeing.

It's an image, a drawing of the necklace.

But that's impossible. That knowledge...

... it's all been lost.

No siren has managed to retrieve even a single page.

To think that a human-

He picks up the actual necklace and starts tapping it.

IS HE INSANE?

I start hammering against the hatch. "Hey! What do you think you’re doing, huh?"

He startles and falls from his chair.

Then scrambles back up and opens the hatch.

I pull back, far away enough so he won’t be able to grab me again. This time I am prepared to smite him with my powers if I have to. 

Or want to.

"Here, " Ludwig says and leans out of the hatch, holding the necklace out to me.

I eye him suspiciously.

"You’re going to see Aeros, aren’t you?"

How does he know about Aeros?

He dangles the necklace. "Then you’re going to need this, won’t you?"

I don’t come closer. "What do you want?"

"You know what I want."

"Not gonna happen."

"Why? You’ll still be able to sing, won’t you?"

I stiffen. I was never able to sing. Which he doesn't need to know.

"I’ll keep my voice, yes," I answer.

"Then you can still help me."

I look at the necklace. Feel the water pulse around me. I could take it. I could just take it.

Why am I not taking it?

And then he does the strangest thing.