The very same feeling

“I hope you feel better now.” I exhaled while holding my skewer.

Lotea, who was sitting on the other side of the bench holding the same thing, bit her lip. “....I’m sorry I didn’t hear of it soon enough.”

“It’s okay, I’ve already gone past that.”

She felt guilty, clenching her teeth. “....If only I had known.”

“Like I said… I had kept it a secret…” Exhaling, I bit onto my skewer. “We all make mistakes… For me it hurts the most. I’m sure for others, they would think otherwise.”

“ーIt hurts you the most…? Why…?”

My jaw tightened. “Family origins, that’s all. But yeah…” I patted her back. “....Don’t shoulder it too much…”

She jolted before turning to me. “ーShouldn’t you be saying this to yourself…?”

“....Huh?”

“I’m sure you’ve been shouldering this for two years.” Lotea paused her words, hesitant. “ーEilise, sorry… I’ve heard from Nixie. About your interaction.”

“You… What?” I froze.

Concerned, Lotea continued. “....Do you have a hard time with the paperwork? C… could it be the schedule?!!! The pressure??!! Orー”

“ーLotea, please. Since you know by now, I’m not going back… Okay?”

“But…” She narrowed her eyes. “Who do I speak to regularly now…? I haven’t heard from you in years… It was only a few months ago that Nixie sent a letter to me saying that you visited her… I had to travel to the border just to be able to meet you again… And when I felt your mana enter one of my barriers, I rushed back as I was already at the borders of the Imperial Vascht.”

Pausing, before her brows furrowed. “And when I arrived, I was already too late… And now, with your presence being known… I’m more worried for you…”

I shook my head. “I know, they wouldn’t want me here… And I know, they hate the people of Ryven for being fanatics…” Pausing. “So… I’m… Scared… Of what the people here will think of me…”

Lotea scoffed, shaking her head. “ーNo, it is my fault, and I’ll pay for it… And I’ll be honest… Me, Nixie, Ewald and Brunwyn aren’t as perfect as you think Eilise… I myself slack off… And I’m sure plenty of us do.”

My eyes widened.

“ーThere's one thing that I can assure you… The people here are kind, and always grateful. But I have a question Eilise, were you clouded with negative opinions before you disappeared….?”

I bit my lip, averting my gaze. “Alot… I was never the type to… Show up often like you guys… I was always in my office, rarely coming out to eat outside… So it could’ve been that I was the strongest mage, they wanted to manipulate me of some sorts…”

“Eilise, out of those people… You’ve never realized how much people admire you. Even from outside Ryven. Perhaps, the pressure, your past, and how some people treat you, might’ve affected you…”

“That… is true. I always thought that by the way they react, I just couldn’t live up to their expectations… Failing to perfectly fulfill my duties…” My eyes glistened. “I’ve been doing my best to ignore it, doing everything I can to keep my image, and yet. It’s… Difficult… Being perfect…”

Lotea lowered the skewer in her hands, looking in front. “We’re humans after all, we’ve been flawed from the start, but that’s not a bad thing… Furthermore, there’s one thing you didn’t know, Eilise.”

She turned to me, smiling.

“....You were always perfect in their eyes.”

“What…? What do youー”

““ーEhh…..??!! Was it really Lady Eilise…?!! Wow! Then she might be here in the capital right now??!! I would love to see her!”” A few people muttered from a distance. “”Huh…. The people of Ryven may not be so bad after all…? I guess I was wrong to think negatively about them.””

My eyes widened… I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…

As I’d thought, people hated another Pointed hat stepping onto their home soil… Especially our people… And yet.

This feeling… It’s… More different than what I used to feel… I held my chest, narrowing my eyes. Hearing… Praise… It’s.

“ーSee…? It’s not a mistake Eilise, it’s a blessing…” Lotea's voice reached my head.

Snapping back to reality, I shook my head.

“They’re… Not mad…? They’re not… Whispering anything negative…?”

Pausing, I held back my words before I was suddenly reminded of something.

“But Lotea! What if they found out you weren’t here when the incident happened…? What would they think of you?!! I don't want you to end up like me. And not only that, how would you explain this to your ruler…?!”

She held a peace sign, showing no concerns. “Not a problem… At best they’d think you were sent as an Envoy… I'll do my best to explain to him that the two of us are on good terms…”

“Are you sure…? Then, I can’t help it, word of me here will reach the other side of the world...” I frowned.

“I’ll try my best to contain that… So rest assured Eilise.”

I had no choice but to rely on Lotea… I couldn’t really do anything, I felt guilty for having her to cover for me…

“Thank you Lotea…. I can’t thank you enough…”

I paused, before staying silent for a moment.

“ーSo… All this time.” I tried to hold myself. “It was just me, huh…?”

Exhaling, I stared at my lap as tears stained my coat.

….Perhaps my trauma really took a toll on me. I scoffed, before turning to the other side, trying to hide my vulnerable side to Lotea.

Maybe, just maybe… I bit my lip, squinting my eyes.

I sniffled quietly, then without turning I assured her. “ーThen, I guess… I’ll try to relax a bit….”

And out of nowhere, she embraced me. “You’ve been through more than me. This is only the best I can do.”

“Mmm…. And also, could you please apologize to Nixie for me? I don’t want her to think I hate her or something.” I wiped my tears.

She freed her grasp and nodded. “No problem! I’m sure… She probably never thought much of it…” Pausing before changing the topic. “Oh… And come to think of it, the three of us have never gone on a trip together.”

“ーYou forget that we’re well known?” I replied bluntly.

“Ahaha sorry… But I would wanna visit maybe some hidden towns around here? Far away from our kingdoms… But first, I have a question…” She paused. “Eilise, are you still a Pointed hat…?”

I ate my skewer and covered my mouth out of habit. “Oh… Sorry, ahem… Formally.”

“HUH???!! WAIT SO…. You've resigned…..?” She frowned.

“No! I’m still in position, however… It’s complicated. I still do paperworks, but I’ve asked his highness to let someone temporarily take care of it. So technically I’m still a Pointed hat, but it’s just that I won’t be showing up publicly nor will I be in council meetings anymore.”

She scoffed, biting into her skewer. “Then you’re still here with us… I’m glad, that’s good enough for me.”

I yawned, covering my mouth before finishing the rest of my skewer, then burning the stick without using any chant.

“ーHow have you been though, Lotea? I didn’t ask you earlier.”

“I’m better now thanks to you. I’ve been gloomy these years… Maybe things have gotten awkward with me and Nixie now that you’re not around.”

“Did you two fight or what…? It’s very out of character from you guys.”

“It’s complicated… As for Ewald and Brunwyn. Those idiots have been well too, just a little sad that you’re not here anymore with us...”

I chuckled. “I didn’t think those two would have a soft spot, that’s very adorable of them… I guess they’d feel sad seeing the youngest of Pointed hats leave.”

Standing up from the bench, facing Lotea, I gave her one last look. “Well… I'll have to go now. Lotea, my party is probably waiting for me.”

She was taken back, recoiling. “Y… YOU HAVE A PARTY!!? ….Canー”

“ーIf you’d excuse me, I wouldn’t want to waste time delaying this journey… So thank you for everything that has happened Lotea, I hope we can meet again in the future.” I sped up my words, bowing.

“W… Wait!! I… I was kidding!!” She sobbed, holding her hand out.

I softly chuckled. “I knew you’d say that… But I’m happy regardless.”

“....Will you visit me again some day?”

“Next year.” I assured her, smiling. “I have to send a good friend of mine to her graduation ceremony five months from now, and that I probably will not see her again till who knows…”

Lotea tilted her head. “ーWhy is that…?”

“She wouldn’t be able to travel, nor visit me again for who knows how long” I paused. “....It’s because the family is overprotective of their daughter. The only reason why she was allowed to travel with us, was because Marieka told them she’ll be staying in the school dorms for eight months till graduation.”

“Oh, isn't she your former classmate?”

“Yeah. What's funny is that she's already finished her exam. So she only has to attend her Graduation ceremony, that’s it.”

Lotea chuckled softly, she was impressed with how Marieka got around with things. “Quite the friend you have.”

“That’s what she is…” I exhaled, yawning. Then I held out my hand. “Thanks once more Lotea.”

She stood up in an instant and shook my hand, all before hugging me with her full strength. “I’m so happy to meet you again… Take care Eilise.”

I patted her back, responding. 

“I’ll be staying here for a few days though… But you too Lotea, thanks for the talk… And happy to have met you again…” I paused, looking down. “After a year…”