To Return

I think it’s about time I talked about the past. Mine, so I suppose it’s safe to call it a flashback. I’ve been avoiding bringing it up, even starting things off in the middle of the story in order to preserve the narrative. I feel like I owe anyone who’s made it this far an apology for misleading them, but I won’t be giving one. I’m not the kind of person who’d make that apology. Not then, and not now. I’m self serving, reactionary, self conscious, and most importantly. . .

A god.

If you were to ask when I came into being, I couldn’t give you a solid answer. Probably around the time enough trees sprouted in this area to call it a forest. That’s the kind of creature I am. Not one of logic and reason, but one that appears on its own without anyone asking.

With nothing else to do, I watched over the forest. I can’t say if that was because I was a forest spirit from the start, or I became a forest spirit because of it. Either way, I spent my time watching trees grow and insects buzz around. It was incredibly unfulfilling. Even before my ego fully formed I was able to feel boredom. Again, that’s just the kind of person I am.

Eventually, more animals and monsters started to show up. That was somewhat interesting, but not for long. Those kinds of things, trees, monsters, and such, all act on instinct. After watching some rabbits for a few lifetimes you see pretty much all they’re capable of. They’ll always do the same stuff, always react in the same way. Even when presented with new stimuli they’ll use their tried and true methods.

Sure, if you’re willing to wait long enough they’ll change ever so slightly, but that’s hardly worth it. Besides, there’s no way I’d notice such slow changes anyway.

That’s why I was so interested when they showed up. The humans. After watching a few generations I thought I’d learned everything there was to know. How shortsighted. They kept doing new things at an alarming rate. After only a few centuries they were almost completely different than they were when they arrived. And even on an individual level they made no sense. They weren’t driven by instinct. They’d make wrong choices, even when the right choice was clearly available to them.

My observations continued for some time, and when I finally started to think I had a grasp on them, those humans shattered my expectations again. They started worshiping me. Why? It’s not like I’d ever done anything for them. I’d simply been watching.

After recognizing their devotion things started to change. I started to care for them, those humans. Perhaps it would be easiest to describe it with a catch all word like ‘love’. I don’t think that’s entirely right, but it’s not entirely wrong.

Love. Or perhaps devotion. The feeling I had for her, and the way I feel about Eris.

While before I simply watched, now I actively helped. I’d allow safe passage through the forest, help hunters looking for prey, and keep dangerous monsters in check.

This was the point in which I’d say I was truly born. Before I was acting on instinct, like a tree. Simply watching, and waiting. Now I had purpose. Things I wanted. I had no real reason to help the humans, but I did it anyway. Because I wanted to.

Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever, not even gods. As time passed, so did their devotion. They invested less time on the forest and focused more on agriculture. Why hunt for everything when you can just grow it? Why worship a god that only has jurisdiction over trees when you could worship a god of the harvest?

My popularity continued to wane until there was just one. And I lost her as well. Knowing full well that no one believed her and no one cared, she strode to her death. A willing sacrifice for a deal no one remembered. A meaningless one at that. In twenty five years there would be no new sacrifice, and the soul reaver would cull their village.

With her death, I had nothing left. My purpose, my reason for being alive was gone. I mentioned to Rakki that I was mourning. What I didn’t mention was who for. I’m not the kind of person who would mourn a single human. I’m self serving, reactionary, self conscious, and most importantly. . .

No longer a god.

I was mourning for myself. My life had ended. With her passing I was back to a creature of instinct, no different than the trees I watched over. I would continue to watch and wait.

That’s why I didn’t stop Rakki. I had no reason to cooperate and no reason to resist. As he was transferring me into her corpse, what was left of me had a single thought. A final desire to prove I used to be.

My essence was far too large to be contained in a single corpse, so most of it got left behind. Memories, knowledge, instinct, power, I gladly abandoned them all. But I made sure to keep a firm grasp on my final though. Although in hindsight I now realize what a mistake I made. I didn’t predict how the new version of me would interpret the single desire I was left with.

I want to return to who I was. I want to be alive.