Chapter 9

It all came back to me like a flood.

That day, we were walking together on our way home like we usually did when we were suddenly ambushed by a car that lost its breaks.

I was slow to react, but Nolan wasn’t.

He quickly reached to push me aside, but feeling his hands on me was all the trigger I needed to use his momentum and toss him out of the way.

The car hit me head on.

I was pushed to the side of the road, where Nolan quickly reached me, yelling my name, calling to me.

I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t respond.

But I could hear him.

His hair was speckled with my blood, and slowly my hearing started to fade away.

I could see his eyes overflowing with tears and his mouth was moving, but no sound came out.

I wondered if the world had gone quiet just so I could appreciate this moment to the fullest.

I felt his hand grip mine forcefully, and my heart skipped a beat.

That’s when I felt an incredible wave of fondness coat my entire body.

He looked so… heroic.

Ahh, how I wished he could see himself through my eyes right now.

Even marred with my blood, his hair shined under the sun, brightly lit under the cloudless blue sky.

At that moment, the world existed only for the two of us.

I love you, Nolan.

…I said it.

I’m sure of it.

But I couldn’t hear myself, and at that point my vision had gone away, too.

I couldn’t see his face.

Did he hear me?

What if… he didn’t hear me.

No…

It couldn’t end like this.

Nolan… I had to tell him…

…Even if he never felt the same.

I didn’t care if Nolan never once saw me as anything other than his best friend.

My feelings for him were mine—they were my property; yet they also belonged to him, so he had a right to know that he owned a part of me.

Even if that part was just my disgusting, shriveled, deformed feelings I’ve stashed away in some dark storage room in a corner of my heart.

Maybe he wouldn’t want the burden of something so ugly, and that was fine.

Maybe he’d toss them away, or bury them and pretend he never had them, and that was fine, too.

Whatever he did with them, it was up to him.

But I had to let him know.

Even if it hurt me.

Even if our friendship fell apart over it.

My eyes, that had slowly closed again, blearily opened to look at his face one last time.

Instead of the spaceship, behind him I saw nothing but a vast blue sky expanding infinitely.

His hair was speckled in red.

His eyes were full of tears.

He was holding my hand with a trembling, harsh grip.

I could barely feel any pain, let alone the hot asphalt on my back.

I still couldn’t hear anything, but I saw his mouth move.

……….

……………………….

Ah.

I think he just said something incredible.

………………

………

Hah.

Hahaha.

………………….

…At the end of the day, we were both idiots, huh?

But there was no way I’d let it end this way for us.

Don’t worry, Nolan.

I’ll find you.

Every day, no matter what you look like.

Until the day I can finally say it back.

I closed my eyes, and waited to wake up in another version of the world.

It’s fine if I didn’t get to see him right away.

Because Nolan was everywhere.