Twenty Nine - It is all coming back to me now

I wake up.

I am back in the tent.

My body hurts.

My master taught me how not to feel pain.

How do I not to feel pain?

What happened?

I have to get up.

Do I?

Master.

I really am weak.

If I was strong enough I would have stopped Olvad.

I failed.

This war is over.

“You’ve woken up. That is good. You were brought just a little while ago, completely wrecked. I was worried. The others told me what happened. Do not worry. The forces of the forest have retreated. You managed to prevent a major fight.”

I do not answer anything.

I do not want to say anything.

I have nothing to say.

What is there to say at a time like this?

I just want to lie here.

No one needs me right now.

Just let me here.

Alone.

Warm.

What?

Canny?

When did he lie down next to me?

That feeling. That strange feeling again. Why is it so strange when other people touch me? My master used to touch me. It hurt. He was very violent. I did not want anyone touching me like that. But he was my master. He helped me when I needed it most. He was not evil. He was just teaching me to be stronger. How not to feel pain. Pain weakens you and prevents the mission from being completed. “Whatever it takes. Finish the mission. The mission is more important than your life. Stop complaining. Be stronger. I will hit harder if you keep crying. I will beat you until you stop crying. The Council will not be defeated by a coward crybaby. You are not a child anymore. You must become strong. Become a fighting machine. You can not show mercy. You can not think. Just execute. Stop crying! If you keep this up, you will die alone here. I do not need useless apprentices. You are useless. If you are of no use to me, you might as well die. Would your mother like seeing you this weak? She would be ashamed of you. Stop crying and thinking about your mother. She is dead. Everyone you know is dead. Is all you can think about just crying? Crying will not bring anyone back to life. You are a good for nothing. You could not have saved anyone. Everyone died because all you do is cry. Be strong, you insolent brat. I will give you a hundred punches for every tear I see. You are useless. You will not be able to change a thing. If you die here, what use will you be? I wasted my time on you. You are a waste of time. Training you is a waste of my time. Do not die and become a waste of my time. A burden to me. You are making me waste my time. Why do not you just die once and for all? Stop whining. Stop being a pathetic weakling. You are no one. You are nothing. You are useless. Good for nothing. Everyone abandoned you. Everyone left. You were left behind because you are useless. Your weakness caused the deaths of everyone you love. Your friends died because of you. Your mother died because of you. Your grandmother died because of you. You ruined the lives of everyone in your town because you are a weak human being. Because you are a good for nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. You are good for nothing. You make a lousy punching bag. Punching bags stay standing. They withstand a blow. If you fall down and just cry, what use are you to me? What use will you be to others? Useless people do not deserve to live. You are useless. People who deserved to be alive died in your place. They died because you needed protection. Because you needed support. Never depend on other people. You are a liability. If you depend on others, you will never become strong. You will always be a burden to everyone. Hold your ground! Get stronger!”

I do not want anyone touching me. Being touched causes me pain. Why am I not feeling pain? What is happening? My mother. She is to blame for me being weak. Feelings are a waste of time. Why are you not hurting me? Why does it feel good here? Feeling good is just another weakness. I am always weak. Why am I so weak? Strength will carry me forward. I need to get stronger. Feel less pain. Pain makes me weak. I do not want to be weak. I do not want to lose anyone else. I have no one. I am no one. I have no one to lose. Having people around makes me weak. Being alone makes me stronger. I do not want to be alone. I have to be alone to defeat the Council. I must be strong. I can not cry. Why am I crying? I can not cry. I can not cry. I can not cry. My master does not like crybabies. I can not be weak. If I am weak, more people will die. “I do not want anyone else to die. I do not want to lose anyone else.”

“I want my family.”

“You are safe now. Do not worry. I am here with you.”