Interlude II: A Girl's Journey

The fish swam away.

She was lost. Lost, hungry and lonely. She left Mr. Nico, she had just eaten. Even though she just ate, she was still hungry. A hunger she couldn’t ignore.

The fish wasn’t enough. It should have been, but it wasn’t. It swam away. She wanted to chase it, but it probably had a family. A mom and a dad. It was just like her. Alone. Alone and cold. Did eating that fish make her bad? It did, didn’t it? It was just a fish. But, it had a family. So, that made her bad.

But, she wanted to live. Her mom and dad weren’t around anymore. They couldn’t feed her. She had to feed herself. Her dad said that a lot.

“If I wasn’t around, you wouldn’t be either.”

He was loud when he wasn’t smiling. Very loud. So loud that she had to cover her ears with her blanket.

“Lorelai is a good girl.”

Her mom said that to her too.

There was a lot of fighting.

She was lonely.

She wanted to see Mr. Nico again.

He was kind.

The sun still wasn’t shining. She couldn’t see where she was going. She thought she saw trees outlined in white. They were blurred. Maybe she needed glasses. Her dad wore glasses. Maybe it would be like that. She thought he looked smart. He looked nice when he was smiling, but not when his smile was upside down.

She walked. When walking didn’t work, she flew. She was flying, but she felt like she was underwater. Maybe that’s why the sun didn’t shine. She was in a sea, or maybe an ocean. A big ocean that went out as far as the eye could see. So, she wasn’t flying. She was swimming.

Her mother told her about the ocean once. There used to be a big one. Water used to be everywhere. You couldn’t drink it, though. It made you go ‘bleck’ and spit it out. It was too dry. But, there were rivers that you could drink! You might get sick, though. She never saw the ocean. She never read about them either. Her mom read her stories at bedtime. It wasn’t all the time. It was nice. When she asked her mom to read, she raised her voice. When her mom got angry, she didn’t want to bother her. She tried reading herself, but she only understood a few words. So, she gave up.

She didn’t know where she was. It was too dark to see. Was it getting darker? She couldn’t see the outlines anymore. She wanted to see the sun again. Where was it? She only saw it with Mr. Flame or Mr. Nico. She didn’t like Mr. Flame, so she wanted to see Mr. Nico.

Where was he?

Was he still mad at her?

Where was he?

He wasn’t here. He was further away, further away than she could see. Further away than she could walk. So, she had to swim. The ocean pushed her back, but she swam. She didn’t get tired. She had just eaten, so she had energy. She swam. She swam and swam.

There was no splash.

She remembered swimming in the river. It was a long time ago. When was that?

She tried to think.

Actually, how old was she?

She tried to think.

Where was she?

She didn’t know.

No matter how much she thought, nothing made sense.

Where was her mom and dad?

That’s right, they went away because Lorelai was a bad girl.

It’s because of you.

Her dad told her.

If you weren’t born…

They didn’t want her. They cast her aside.

Lorelai didn’t want to be a burden.

So, she left.

She walked away.

She kept walking.

And walking.

She ran. She didn’t want to be a burden. If Lorelai was a burden, then she shouldn’t be there. If they didn’t have to take care of her, that was better. It was better if she wasn’t around.

She saw the sun. It shined through the clouds. She was happy. It kept her company. It was warm, like the covers of her bed.

She missed them.

She missed the sun.

She missed the warmth.

Her food was warm.

It was a fish. Why was it warm? It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. She couldn’t remember how old she was. She couldn’t remember how far she walked. If this was a dream, it made sense. Everything would make sense. If it was a dream, she could just wake up and everything would be fine. She would be at home in her bed. She would walk out into the living room and see her mom and dad. They wouldn’t be fighting. They would be happy, greeting her with a smile.

But she wasn’t dreaming.

Was she?

She swam.

She swam and swam.

White lines. Blurred white lines.

She knew this place.

It was where she stayed with Mr. Nico.

He was here.

She wanted to say sorry.

Sorry that she was a bad girl.

Did she ever tell him her name?

She didn’t know.

She wanted to see him.

There was the door to the shed.

She didn’t fit. She crawled into the door. The blocks she played with were there in the corner. They didn’t move. Mr. Nico didn’t clean up after her.

The door hurt.

She didn’t want to break it. If she broke it, Mr. Nico would get mad. She was a growing girl. If she showed him how much she’s grown, it might make him happy. She didn’t eat when Mr. Nico wanted her to. He might be happy to find out she ate. She was strong now. She could walk and swim in this big ocean. He might hug her and say how proud he is of her. Just like her dad used to.

She laughed.

She laughed for the first time in a long time.

But, how long was that time?

How long has she been away from home?

It didn’t matter.

None of it mattered.

She wanted to see him again.

Mr. Flame was mean. He told her to do things to people like Mr. Nico. Hurt them. She didn’t want to hurt anyone. She wanted to be happy. It wasn’t wrong. Or, was it wrong for her to be happy? If she was happy, wouldn’t her parents be sad? She didn’t know the answer.

She walked, she didn’t swim. She didn’t fly. She walked toward the lights in the distance.

No, they weren’t lights.

They were fish.

A big school, too.

Food. She was still hungry.

She walked and reached out.

More warmth.

She swatted the dim lights away. Some she grabbed, some she shoved away.

She picked off the scales like her dad told her too. She listened, even if he wasn’t around anymore. She chewed her food because she didn’t want Mr. Nico yelling at her for being picky. He tried so hard to get her to eat. She didn’t want to make him mad.

More fish swam toward her.

They were big.

The lights were dim.

They were in the way.

Two bright lights from two smaller fish.

She reached out.

Another got in the way.

That was fine.

If they didn’t want to run, she could eat.

She was hungry.

She could eat.