even now, i see your secret ____

Effie talked with a group of people who hung onto her every word. She brought them to the pub around midnight, a large swathe of people overfilling the shop. With Leon aware of their presence, they had little time to get an opening into the church—uniting their forces and riding off the people’s dissatisfaction seemed to be their best bet.

And right now, Effie worked hard to earn the help they needed. Zane hung around the corner, enjoying her speech.

“They’re still fighting back in Orie,” she said. “I owe these guys for helping me, though, so I’ll be here for a bit. We gotta put a stop to that church—they think they can put a boot back on our necks ‘cause it’s convenient to their plans. But I won’t let them! I won’t let anyone push us around anymore!”

The people cheered—even the Dwim who had no investment in Orie cheered alongside them. It was more than the Dockworker’s Union. The group gathered here had been wronged by the church in some way or another, and Effie’s story mobilized them to push back against it.

They just needed this push.

Zane didn’t want anyone to get hurt, though. He’d fight like hell to finish this before it came to that.

“But if we’re gonna stop the church’s tyranny, we’ll need a solid plan,” Effie continued. “My friends know how to handle most of the Guardians. If we can keep those guys distracted, then a certain guy on our side knows how to put a stop to all of it. We’ll make the world a better place for everyone!”

…Maybe that was why he liked her speeches. When Zane tried to be her union spokesperson, he found violence said more than words, and often used his violence as an example. See how shitty this guy is? Are you gonna sit there and put up with it?

But Effie looked to the light. She talked of change not as retribution, but as a universal good in pursuit of hope.

Really. It was beautiful.

It made Zane wonder. Once the church fell, what came next? People clung to religion as a part of their sense of self. The idea that they’d move on and make something better on their own seemed ridiculous, even to Zane. Of course he wanted to believe all people were good inside.

The smiles of the Dwim, their determination to hold onto what they believed in even when the world called it evil. The dockworkers who refused to sit down and accept meager scraps even when doctrine incentivized silence, even when the church rose to stamp them down. He believed they’d do better with whatever came next in Auliam’s history. But those led astray?

…Lucian turned out fine despite other’s efforts to undermine that. He aimed to make some real change. Shay, despite all his faults, confronted his flaws and tried (sometimes failing, mostly not) to do good every day. Effie had been given a million reasons to quiet her voice but managed to raise it with each passing day. Just a couple weeks ago, she probably wouldn’t have ever dreamed of doing something like this. Yet here she was, telling her story.

They all had their own stories to tell.

Everyone but Zane, anyways. He kept going because he saw an honest cause to fight for. He saw a chance to prove all the resentment he held against the church, to show to the world that he wasn’t the one in the wrong, that he just wanted a better world too. Sure, some called him a hero, but he had no dramatic story driving him forward. He was empty. Born of a lie, marching on by other’s hopes.

Funnily enough—

The fight between him and Leon started with something small. It started over a girl.

No, Zane wasn’t stealing his girlfriend or whatever. Addison had something special with Leon since they were kids. Zane integrated into their little friend group later, and became an official part of it when they earned their titles as Vitam’s Guardians. Zane thought they dated for the longest time, but when he got around to asking her, she refuted it. Not like it was any of his business, though.

He didn’t care, until he noticed a bruise on Addison’s wrist. He confronted Leon over it, and—

And…

That was where that story ended. He got mad. Maybe it was a personal dispute, maybe Leon hated Addison in secret and took his anger out on her. But it’d been one time, one occurrence.

One occurrence, and—and—

“Hey, kid, sit up.”

Shay slapped Zane’s back. Zane jolted, and Shay shoved a glass of beer into the other man’s face. “Here, take a drink. It’ll put you to sleep.”

“I don’t wanna sleep.” Zane pushed the glass away. “And I’m fine.”

“Eh, you think I’m dumb? You’re out of it.”

“I’m not.”

“Y’really think you’ll get me to go away that easily?”

Zane almost wished Shay hadn’t changed a bit. It’d make this less of a pain in the ass. “…I’m just thinking.”

Shay shrugged, sipping from his own glass. “Aren’t we all.”

I don’t really— “I don’t know why I’m here.”

Zane bit his tongue. He didn’t mean for that thought to slip out; he blamed the brain fog. Still, Shay arched an eyebrow.

“You’re here ‘cause you wanna take down the church too. It’s the thing you’ve been saying this whole time. They’re corrupt and you’ve had enough.”

“Yeah, but, it’s more than that. I don’t know why I’m here, if you get what I mean.”

Shay put his glass down, frowning. “Ah, shit. Your memories? Something coming back to you?”

“The exact opposite.” Going against everything Zane wanted to project, he yawned, drinking from his glass at last. “I know something’s missing, but I only have a piece of it. It’s like—I think… this sounds stupid, but if I talk to Leon, actually talk to him, it’s gonna hit me.”

“Sounds like that’d be a good thing,” Shay said, though he didn’t sound confident.

“…I want it to be.”

Zane wanted, more than anything, to be pieced together. To find his reason for fighting amidst the shards of himself. To claim the resolve the rest of the party grasped with ease.

But would it be that simple?

If—when he confronted Leon, who would Zane become?

“Hey—” Shay put a fist out, “no matter what, we’ll be there. If you’re afraid of what you lost, I’ll just punch you so you got a different problem to worry about.”

Zane sputtered. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“It’s working, right?”

… “Yeah, it is.” Zane laughed at the absurdity of it all, and clinked glasses with Shay. “You guys give me enough headaches—what’s one more?”

“Hey! I’m trying to help!”

“And it’s working. Take the compliment.”

Footsteps clattered towards them. Effie leaned in close, smiling. “Hey! What’re you guys yelling about?”

Shay dropped into a neutral expression. “Zane thinks you’re annoying.”

“What!? How could you?”

Zane hit his head against the table. “That’s not what I said.”

“It’s what he said.” Shay slapped Zane on the back. “You’re a bad team leader, setting bad examples.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Effie patted him on the head. “But you did. You did!”

“You weren’t even there!”

Even missing a part of himself, Zane had a feeling he’d remember this night for the rest of his life. The last, happy little pocket of memories—until everything changed forever.