Chapter 13: What do I think of my knight?

ARIA

After our rest period, I decided it was time to check if Casimir had really understood what he had promised me.

From our conversation about his Passive and the clan's command, I knew for a fact that he didn't want to let me lead the fighting. I had nevertheless announced that I was taking charge of everything, including the battles, just to see his reaction. To my surprise, he hadn't even protested. Not right away, anyway. I knew him well enough to know that after the confrontation, I would hear about him.

Yesterday, I had offered him the opportunity to take over the command. I was right. I was even quite proud to have anticipated it... even if I much less appreciated his reaction when he actually took over the reins.

To say that he "liked me less" was perhaps an exaggeration. In the end, the battles mattered less to me than I wanted to admit. As long as I could keep him close to me when I wanted to and he didn't question what he had confided in me, I could very well leave his plans and strategies to him, as long as I managed the clan and mastered everything else.

And he had asked me to maintain this authority over him with such seriousness that I had had far too much trouble not abusing it.

My life belongs to you. I will not sacrifice myself without your agreement.

Just thinking about it, I wanted to smile stupidly. I had managed to keep my calm in front of him. He hadn't noticed anything... well, I hoped so. Casimir wasn't really good at that kind of thing.

Apparently, neither do I.

I really shouldn't have asked him that question at the end. His silence had given me the answer almost immediately.

He loved me.

This simple thought still made me want to smile. I wanted to congratulate myself and, at the same time, disappear under the steps for asking the question so directly.

What an idiot... Now it was me who didn't know what to do with this information.

My leg was still hurting under the makeshift bandage. The pain no longer prevented me from walking, but it came back as soon as I bent my knee too much. Participating in training would have been madness. Directing him, on the other hand, presented no danger.

Sitting on a block of stone, arms crossed, I looked at the three boys lined up in front of me. Milo and Silas had already realized that they would regret getting up. Casimir awaited my instructions with that suspicious calmness which he adopted when he felt that I was going to abuse my authority.

He was right.

"Twenty push-ups, twenty pull-ups, and twenty squats," I announced.

"One after the other?" Milo almost exclaimed, raising his head abruptly.

"I can also double the dose if you're struggling with the concept of 'yes, ma'am.'"

He took up position without discussion. Beside him, Casimir lowered his head to hide a smile. I noticed it anyway.

They began with the pumps. Casimir maintained a correct posture, even when his shoulders began to tremble. Milo was going down too fast. Silas was visibly saving his strength by gradually reducing the range of his movements.

"Silas," I warned him, "the next one won't count if you don't go lower."

"Slowly, Aria," he whispered without moving, his arms outstretched and his face already red with effort. "Today, I drive in economy mode."

"In that case, your employer will also save on your share of the next shipment."

Silas stared at me as if I had just insulted his entire family. He muttered something between his teeth about tyrannical bosses and labor laws, then resumed his movements with a diligence that was suddenly far more convincing.

I couldn't hold back a smile.

In our last confrontation, Casimir had well and truly taken over the reins of the fight. This decision still irritated me a little, even though I knew that he had been right. Facing the golems, I had only seen him from the moment Ruberyth threw him against the wall. After my injury, I had even refused to back down, to prevent others from realizing that I could no longer stand.

Casimir, on the other hand, had managed to maintain an overall vision that I had obviously lost. Acknowledging it annoyed me. This gave him one more reason to take over a responsibility that he had wanted to entrust to me from the beginning.

Outside of the fighting, however, he had agreed to remain under my orders. And that, I had much more difficulty feigning indifference. Seeing him obey my instructions gave me almost ridiculous pleasure. Especially because he kept choosing me afterwards. He could have refused each of my requests. And yet, he almost never did.

Now that I knew how he felt about me, I understood a little better why he always came back of his own accord to leave me in that place.

"Please... Milo whispered, standing up with great difficulty. "I'm at the end of my rope."

"It's been a pleasure to know you guys," Silas announced from the makeshift bar, his face distorted. "I'll leave you my things."

"Don't abandon us now!" protested Milo.

"However, let no one search the front pocket of my bag after I die. Even in death, I will haunt anyone who touches it. »

His arms gave way. He fell on his back, remained motionless for a few seconds, then began to snore with a regularity that fooled no one.

"One less," I said.

"He's bluffing," Casimir says without leaving his post.

"I know. But his interpretation is convincing. I give him a minute's respite. »

I turned my attention to the other two. Casimir had dust on his forearms. A lock of damp hair fell on his forehead every time he straightened up. His jaw clenched with each repetition, but he kept going anyway.

Because I had asked him to.

This simple reason pleased me more than I cared to admit.

I wish I had thought I had the same pride in each of them. And yet, my attention always came back to him.

"It's kind of nice to see you all sweating just because I asked you to," I said lightly. "You're almost cute like that."

"Take back your responsibilities, Casimir," Milo begged, turning a reproachful face on him.

"I think it's too late," Casimir replied after performing another push-up.

"Excellent answer," I agreed. "Keep going."

"Why is Kellan escaping the same fate as us?" moaned Milo, dropping his forehead to the ground.

A little further on, Kellan was storing his things near his compass. When he heard her name, he raised his head briefly, as if to check if the conversation really required his presence, and then returned to his bag.

"He has to save his strength to find his sister," I explained. "I'm not going to wear him down the day before he leaves."

"What about us?"

I turned my attention back to Milo and Silas. They had no sister to meet at dawn, no personal mission urgent enough to serve as a pretext. They stayed with me. So they could suffer a little longer.

"You stay with me. You'll have plenty of time to recover. »

"Cruel world... »

I could have smiled. I even wanted to. However, my attention immediately fell on Milo. His back was hollowing, he was losing his balance and each movement accentuated his posture. The joke could wait; if he continued like this, he would end up hurting himself.

"Go drink and rest a little," I ordered him.

"Is it over?" he asked, raising his head, surprised.

"Yes, for you. You pull on your lower back. If you continue, you're going to lock your back. »

Milo stared at me for a moment, as if to guess if I was serious. Then he must have understood from my face that talking would be useless. He left for the water reserves without protesting.

Silas was waiting for this very moment to open an eye. He had this unbearable way of looking like a dying man as soon as an exercise ceased to suit him.

"And me?"

"You can stop snoring and finish your last five push-ups."

His eye closed immediately.

"Silas."

"The dead can't hear you."

I looked at him without moving. He did not even breathe like one who is dying; He breathed like one who sincerely hopes that his acting talent would spare him his five pumps.

"In that case, I'll search the front pocket of your bag."

"That's it, I'm back!" he cried, jumping to his feet.

I suppressed a laugh as he finished his rehearsals, insulting his arms, the inventor of pumps, and my conception of authority. When he was done, he dragged himself to his bag and then held it close to him as if he still feared that I would carry out my threat.

"I'm not moving from here. Not even if you gave me a coin or two — maybe not three. »

"Perfect. You'll be easier to monitor. »

Only Casimir remained. His arms were shaking so much that every fall felt like an accident caught at the last moment. He could have stopped; I wouldn't have forced him to continue.

And yet, he refused to give me that victory.

"Eighteen," I counted as he slowly stood up.

"Nineteen."

"You're having too much fun in it," Casimir whispered, looking up at me with an exhausted face.

"Concentrate. You're ruining my show."

"Twenty," I announced when his elbows almost gave way in the last move. He still managed to stand up before turning on his side.

"I'm going to strangle you... as soon as my arms respond again. »

"So I have a few hours ahead of me."

"Casimir... avenge us... Silas groaned from across the square, holding up his hand feebly.

His arm fell back.

I left my building and limped in. Casimir had closed his eyes. I crouched down next to him more carefully than I would have liked.

"Well? Do you already regret our agreement? »

"Since the beginning of training," he gasped.

"And yet, you never disobeyed me."

"I still had twenty push-ups to do to finish first."

A lock of hair stuck to his forehead. I pushed her away with my fingertips before wondering if this gesture was really necessary.

Casimir half opened his eyes. Silas wasn't looking at us, or at least he was pretending. Milo couldn't see us anymore. So I could allow myself a few seconds of sincerity.

"You were perfect," I whispered. "I'm proud of your efforts."

My hand slid against his cheek without him trying to pull out.

During our previous conversation, when I had asked him if he was in love with me, his silence had been enough for me. But Casimir was thinking way too much. He was still able to confuse his feelings with the trust he had in me, or with the relief of no longer having to carry all his responsibilities alone.

I should have known better. With him, asking the question directly would only push him to look for a thousand explanations. His reactions, on the other hand, betrayed him much more easily. And since I had gone too far to go back, I might as well satisfy another curiosity.

Does he find me attractive too?

The idea interested me much more than I would have liked. I already knew the essentials: he loved me for who I was. But if he thought I was beautiful too... then his submission must have been still more agreeable to him when he let himself go thus into my hands. It would be a shame if this attraction was one-sided.

He closed his eyes under my hand, and something inside me gently contracted. I liked to see him let himself go like this, without the slightest apprehension, as if the simple touch of my skin was enough to soothe him. He could no longer see anything, abandoned to this strange confidence which he offered me. I could see everything: his face relaxed, his breathing calmed down, and that discreet vulnerability that made him so unsettling.

"Next time, I'll only ask you for fifteen," I whispered.

"How generous!" gasped Casimir, his back still drenched in sweat.

"Don't get too used to my clemency."

My fingers remained a few seconds longer against his face. His skin burned under my palm and he still didn't pull out. This silent confidence brought me a relief that I preferred not to savor too much.

"Aria?"

Kellan's voice startled me. I immediately withdrew my hand, my heart pounding.

"Would you like to come with me?" he asked, putting away a crate. "I'd like to show you the botanical garden and get the rest of my harvest."

"Very good. I'm coming with you. »

I took off my long beige coat, rolled it into a ball and slipped it under the back of Casimir's neck to improvise a pillow for him.

"I was going to get up. Take back what you said," he protested, a little taken aback by the gesture.

"Then keep it with you."

I arranged the folds of the fabric around her neck with much more care than necessary. My coat would probably have his scent on it when he gave it back to me. I liked the idea enough that I preferred not to think about it any further.

"I allow you to bear my absence thanks to my perfume," I said with newfound confidence. "It should strengthen the feelings you have for me."

"I know you're trying to throw me off balance to get an answer," he replied, opening his eyes wide.

"Maybe. But I also know that you will eventually give in to temptation. »

"Take back your coat, Aria."

I did not listen to him. The empty scabbard of his dagger was still attached to his belt, the weapon itself resting for the moment in the inventory of his watch.

"Very good. In exchange, lend me your dagger. »

"Why?"

"I'd like to try a melee weapon. I'm curious to see how it handles. »

"The blade is poisoned," he replied at once. "It's far too dangerous."

"I know. Take it out. »

"I could lend you the sword Taron forged for me instead," he suggested after peering into my face for a few seconds, looking for a hesitation I wasn't going to show him.

"Stop beating around the bush. It's an order, so obey. »

I was waiting for him to decide to open his own inventory. A faint bluish glow appeared above his watch, and then the dagger materialized in his hand. He immediately slipped it into its sheath before handing it to me.

"It's still there," he insisted. "You don't touch the blade."

"I know how to handle a weapon, Casimir."

"That's precisely what people say just before they cut off a finger."

I ignored him, crouched down in front of him, and put my fingers on the buckle of his belt.

"Aria..."

"Don't move. I remind you that I was the one who fastened your strap the first few times. »

"It's not really the same."

"You defend a lot someone who has just received an order."

He was silent, but lifted his hips slightly so that I could free the leather from his passers-by. This gesture suddenly seemed much more intimate than I had imagined. I gasped. I tried to keep my expression perfectly calm as he followed my every movement with his eyes.

I put the belt around my waist. It was too wide, even on the last hole, but the holster was well positioned against my hip.

The leather still retained the shape of its waist. My desire to try a melee weapon faded into the background; What mattered above all was to wear something that came from him. The weight of the dagger against my hip reminded me of it with every movement.

"It's way too big for you," Casimir remarked.

"That's not what matters to me."

"You give it back to me in one piece."

"The belt or the dagger?"

His expression changed. All traces of amusement disappeared when he looked up at me.

"You."

For a second, I was unable to answer. He had said it without hesitation, as if the gun, the belt, and everything else had never mattered at all.

In a single word, he had turned all my provocations against me.

The heat immediately rose to my face. I leaned over my cloak, pulled it out from under his head, and spread it abruptly over his chest before he could realize the effect of my answer.

"Keep it with you."

"You just said you were taking it back."

"I changed my mind."

I turned around and walked away quickly before he could protest any more or see how red I had become.

"You're way too naïve!" I shouted over my shoulder as I joined Kellan. "Be good while I'm away!"

"I'm giving up everything," Casimir whispered behind me, letting his head fall heavily to the ground.

I barely suppressed a triumphant laugh. His belt was tightened around my waist, his dagger was banging against my hip, and my cloak was spread over his chest.

Perfectly right.

Kellan was waiting for me at the entrance of the gallery. His gaze fell directly on my waist.

"You don't have your coat anymore," he remarked. "And you wear the belt of Casimir."

"My scarf is enough to protect me from the cold," I replied curtly. "As for the belt, it holds the dagger well. Nothing more. »

"Of course."

His tone indicated that he did not believe a word of this explanation. I preferred to ignore him and followed him into the tunnel.

My leg was pulling under the bandage, especially on the descents, but I refused to give it a reason to slow down. The lanterns, widely spaced out, left long areas of shadow between them, where the rails almost completely disappeared. Kellan, on the other hand, continued to advance without hesitation.

"I doubt the others noticed," he began after a few minutes, "but doesn't Casimir have something special?"

My hand came back to the sheath of its own accord.

"Keep going."

"According to the Journal, Casimir and I delivered the final blows to the golems. Still, I thought Taron had defeated Ruberyth. And during our training, some exchanges strangely turned to his advantage. I would take the ascendancy, I would stop taking it seriously, and then, as if by magic, I would make a stupid mistake at the worst possible moment. »

A slightly ridiculous pride immediately invaded me. I had to suppress a smile, which was silly, especially in those cold tunnels where every step made my leg ache. But hearing someone else notice what made Casimir so special was reassuring. As if, finally, I wasn't the only one to see that he was hiding more than he let on.

"Maybe he's just too strong."

"You don't even look surprised."

"Because I know he's strong."

"No. You know something else. »

I shut myself up in silence. Kellan stepped over a broken railing before continuing:

"My past was revealed after the battle. All these conditions were finally met. It's called Le Hibou. »

"Your vision in the dark?"

"That's part of the problem. Under strong light, my eyesight deteriorates if I am unharmed or well fed. In the dark, hunger or injury improve it. When we woke up, I was hungry and injured, in the dark. During the battle, the flames of Ruberyth almost blinded me. »

I wondered what my own passive power would look like. Maybe something like the Geass, capable of making my orders irresistible.

I should have liked the idea. And yet, imagining Casimir on his knees, forced by magic to coercion, instantly made all interest in the stage disappear.

Forced obedience would have been of no value. I loved that second of resistance before his choice, that sigh he let out before granting me what I asked for. If he could no longer refuse me anything, it would no longer have had the same meaning.

"Aria?"

"What?" I replied, finding that Kellan was looking at me with amusement.

"You've been smiling at space for a while."

"I was thinking about your past," I lied as I raised my head.

"Of course."

He gave me a few moments of respite.

"And Casimir?" he continued. "It would reassure me to know that Silas and Milo will be safe with you when I leave."

I could keep it a secret or trust what I had observed. Kellan and Casimir sometimes understood each other without finishing their sentences, and he was genuinely worried about those he left behind. Knowing that this phenomenon existed could one day help him react.

Casimir preferred that I decide for him, but on this particular subject, it was perhaps different. I would take responsibility for that.

"You guessed right. Casimir does have a history. His name is the White Knight. »

"And what's the point?" asked Kellan, turning completely to me.

"We don't know enough yet to be sure. According to Opaline's observations, he reacts when an adversary truly stops considering Casimir as a threat. »

"How?"

"That's precisely the problem. Casimir doesn't seem to get stronger or faster, and he doesn't feel any activation. Events just seem to be turning in his favour. »

I pointed with the tip of my boot at a pebble wedged between two iron sleepers.

"It could be due to a bad footing, an opening that comes at the right time, or a simple twist of fate. Against Ruberyth, it all started when he thought he was out of action. His leg gave way... and the crack in the core was found exactly in the axis of Casimir's sword. »

Kellan remained thoughtful for a few seconds.

"So the more you underestimate it, the worse it gets?"

"Maybe. Opaline thinks so too, but we don't yet have enough examples to be sure. For now, when an opponent continues to take him seriously, nothing particular seems to happen. That is why we cannot base our entire plan on this. »

"That's why we trained," he murmured. "The more confident I was that I could beat him, the more opportunities I gave him."

"Don't be too happy with yourself," I replied, barely holding back my smile. "Casimir belongs to me. He is my devoted knight. Silas and Milo will come later. »

"I thought you were more of the type to treat everyone the same," Kellan said, amused.

"I will protect Silas and Milo, of course. But Casimir is different. »

My fingers clenched on the leather of his belt. The gesture had come by itself, as if my body had reacted before I even had to. I looked down for a moment, embarrassed by what this simple thought had aroused in me. Casimir occupied a strange place in me, impossible to explain without sounding ridiculous. He wasn't just someone I wanted to defend. He was someone I refused to see move away.

"He's mine."

Kellan took a few steps before speaking again.

"I never really dared to ask you, but..." Do you love him? »

I missed the next sleeper. My foot slipped and a searing pain went up to my injured knee. I had to lean against the wall to keep from falling.

"Am I sorry?"

"You love him. Finally, you're in love... »

"Yes, I understand."

He waited, without smiling this time.

A wave of panic invaded my throat. Casimir was never to ask me that question again with the same clarity. I could give him orders, provoke him, or hold his gaze when he was at my feet; A simple "Do you love me?" would be enough to disarm me.

"You promise not to tell him?" I asked, my voice hoarser than expected.

"You can count on me."

I knew he would keep his word. And yet, this word stuck in my throat for a long time before I managed to pronounce it.

"Yes..."

Hearing it out loud in the tunnel was infinitely more terrifying than you thought. Kellan made no ironic comment. He simply kept walking, slowing down to accommodate my pace.

"If you'd asked me a few weeks earlier, I would have denied it," I continued, my eyes glued to my boots. "The boys made me want to vomit. They all wanted to crush others or play heroes to prove their existence. I had decided that a girl would be my only choice if I ever had to build a life with someone. Not out of attraction. Just to have a little peace of mind, not to be a burden. »

"And Casimir changed that?"

"I became attached to him as soon as I understood that he was different. He wasn't trying to crush me to prove his existence. He gave me space without disappearing himself. The way he let me decide, the way he trusted me... It shook something in me. »

"After Albert, I think. When he saved me. I tried to convince myself that it was just gratitude, but I couldn't get it out of my thoughts. Especially when he obeyed me. At first, however, he was the type to play the hero. He had agreed to help an entire village when we had just arrived and knew absolutely nothing about these people. Then, a few days later, he had wanted to take a blow to his crotch, as if being crushed in front of me could prove anything. Just thinking about it, this slap in the face still seems deserved to me. »

I looked down slightly at my hands, thinking back to that day. It wasn't even his recklessness that had made me the most angry. What I feared most was that he would become like the others. That by dint of wanting to protect me, he ends up believing that he must be the strongest simply because I was a woman, even if it means letting his ego decide for him.

"But he didn't. He listened to me. Not right away, obviously, there is still Casimir... But he really questioned himself. He understood my anger, what I expected of him, and he changed his attitude. He didn't explain to me that I was wrong, he didn't try to save his pride and he didn't blame me for this slap for three weeks. I think that's what I appreciated so much about him. It was the first time a man had accepted to be told that he had crossed the line without immediately trying to put me in my place. »

Kellan gave a slight smile.

"And then, Casimir is used to taking responsibility," I continued. "He knows how to decide without being told what to do. And yet, he chooses to make room for me. He complains, he argues, then he gives in to me because he wants to. That's what counts. »

"You had a lot of things buried in your heart."

"Do you think that's ridiculous?" I asked, stiffening immediately.

"Not at all. I can't see myself accepting a relationship like yours. But if it's okay with both of you, I'm no one to judge you. »

"Thank you, Kellan."

We continued walking for a while without speaking. Now that I had expressed my feelings out loud, I could no longer pretend they didn't exist.

I especially wanted to go back to Casimir.

"I asked him the other day," I said to break the silence.

"Did he answer?"

"No. I told him not to say anything. »

"You asked him if he loved you and then you forbade him to answer?" asked Kellan, slowly turning his head toward me.

"Yes."

Put like that, even I could admit that the idea seemed a little strange.

"I know he cares about me," I tried to justify myself. "I'm even convinced that he loves me. But he has no experience. He is perfectly capable of answering yes without knowing if he is talking about love, attachment or simply the place he has chosen to give me. »

"Do you think he could lie to you?"

"Not deliberately. His reactions are more honest than his answers. He thinks about what he says, not how he reacts when I approach. »

The "you" he had said a few minutes earlier came back to me, as well as the way he had closed his eyes under my hand. And even that wasn't enough to satisfy me.

"I don't know if I should be impressed by your logic or downright worried about Casimir," Kellan admitted.

"Both are fine with me."

"I guess you already have a foolproof technique."

"I'm just waiting for the right moment."

"Do what?"

I took the time to go around a crevasse, transferring my weight to my good leg before answering:

"I still don't know if he's physically attracted to me."

"And how do you plan to check that?" asked Kellan, slowing down.

I took a brief look at the buckle on his belt. He followed the movement reflexively and understood almost immediately. His face froze in an almost comical incredulity.

"Don't tell me you're going to test this in the field."

"I'm just going to create a situation where his body will react before his brain has even had time to think," I replied with the utmost calm. "I never talked about imposing anything on him."

"Are you really preparing this as a lab experiment?"

"All experiments deserve to be carried out. Even if the method used sometimes lacks fairness. »

Kellan stopped short. He seemed to hesitate between laughing in my face and turning to warn Casimir of the trap that awaited him.

"You're evil, really."

"I'm just taking advantage of your weaknesses," I concluded with a wry smile.

He raised two fingers in the air and gave a solemn blessing to the empty bottom of the tunnel.

"May all the gods of this world protect you from this demon, Casimir. You're going to need it. »