Six

Pooping is gross.

I, mean, sure I’ve pooped before in my previous body. But back then it was a simple process: you do your business in the bedpan, then the nurse comes in and cleans everything up. Easy.

For regular people though it seems that the process was a lot more complicated. First, you get the urge. Then, since you have bowel control, you had to hold it in. Then you had to find the nearest toilet to do your thing in and clean up yourself after you were done.

A few hours after eating that delicious meal, right as the sun began to set, I suddenly felt the need to go. I thought it would be a simple process: just go find a toilet and you’re done. Boy was I wrong.

I looked around my room, but couldn’t find any doors that lead to a bathroom. I was tempted to go outside into the hallways to look for one, but I wasn’t really in the mood to go traipsing through this huge castle and possibly get lost.

There was a long rope hanging next to my bed that was made of braided silk. Griselda said that it was connected to a bell that would summon her, so whenever I needed something I should just pull it and she’d come right over to see what I wanted.

I tugged on the rope a few times, but I didn’t hear the jingling of any bell. Hopefully, that was because the bell was just too far away from me to hear and it wasn’t because the entire contraption was broken.

After five minutes of waiting, there came a knock at my door.

“C-come in!” I called out, my tummy feeling very uncomfortable now.

Griselda entered. “You summoned me, My Lady?”

“Yes. Um, do you know where the bathroom is?” I asked, feeling really embarrassed.

“Of course. Follow me.” I swiftly made my way after Griselda as she exited the room. She led me down the hallway, past the stairs, then turned a corner until we came to an ordinary-looking door. Upon entering, I saw a medium-sized room with a large stone tub at the center.

“I shall send for hot water at once,” the maid said. “Unless your preference is cold water?”

I jumped from foot to foot as I desperately searched the room, looking for anything that even vaguely resembled a toilet. Except for the tub and a few wooden buckets, the room was pretty much empty. And I really, really needed to go.

“W-where’s the toilet?” I squeaked out.

Griselda raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Toilet, My Lady?”

So yeah, it turned out they didn’t have any toilets here. Or running water of any type. What the heck was I gonna do now?

Near tears, I explained to Griselda about my current situation. She nodded in understanding, then quickly took me back to my room. I was almost bent over in pain by the time we got back, clenching my backside and doing my best not to soil my only set of clothing. The maid rushed over to the large wardrobe and reached under it. She pulled out what looked like a deep ceramic bowl with a cover on it. She pulled the lid off and placed the bowl on the floor.

Griselda then looked expectantly at me as she stood still, waiting just beside it.

I frowned, then cautiously approached. I peered down into the ceramic bowl, noting that it was clean and that there was a painting of a duck at the bottom. I looked back up at Griselda, eyes wide in realization.

“Go on,” she said with an encouraging smile.

Well, it looks like I was back to using bedpans again.

I tried to at least get Griselda to leave the room so I could do my thing, but she refused. She stated that it was her duty as my maid to “attend to my needs,” which was all fine and dandy, but I really do think that she was taking things a bit too far in this instance. Sadly, I couldn’t argue too much longer as my needs were quite pressing.

So, yeah. I did my business, well aware of the other human being standing patiently nearby as I did so. Afterward, Griselda reached into her pockets and passed me some cotton rags to clean myself with.

My face was absolutely red while I redressed. Griselda was all business though. She placed the cover back on top of the bowl, then carried it (and its contents) away to… well, wherever it was that such things needed to go.

As soon as the door closed behind her, I tossed myself atop the bed and quickly buried my burning face into the pillows. I let out a loud groan, utterly mortified at what had just happened.

A long period of sulking followed, which was interrupted by a knocking at my door. Griselda had returned and asked if I would like some dinner. My mood brightened considerably at the prospect of more delicious food. This time I chose to have a steak with mashed potatoes and gravy. The meal was delivered about an hour later, and soon I was at the table chowing down.

My second experience eating was just as wonderful as the last. The steak was so chewy and good, and the mashed potatoes were just divine. I had a baked potato for lunch, but the mashed potatoes were completely different. While the baked potato had some crunchiness due to the skin, the mashed potatoes were more uniform in texture. The flavor was also more evenly spread out in the mashed potatoes while the baked potato had flavor pockets all over the place. Who knew that the way you served food could change how it tastes so drastically?

Griselda returned some time after I had finished eating, this time she brought two other maids with her. One of them, a young girl with blond hair, picked up all the plates and utensils I had used during dinner and left the room with them, most likely to the kitchen to have them washed. The other maid, a brunette like Griselda, was carrying a small basin full of water with her. She placed it on a side table near my bed, then left the room as quietly as she’d come.

“Shall I get you ready for bed, My Lady?” Griselda asked.

“Huh?” I blinked in confusion from where I sat at one of the couches.

The maid had gone into the wardrobe and was digging around in it. She quickly pulled out a white cotton nightgown, very similar to the one I had woken up in. With it in hand, she headed towards me, and I suddenly realized what she intended.

Oh no! I wasn’t gonna have a repeat of this morning with those two ladies who had dressed me up like a doll! I have a fully working body now, dammit! It was time to practice my independence! I could undress myself!

“I can do it!” I exclaimed to Griselda as I jumped up to my feet. I reached around myself in an attempt to get to the buttons on the back of my dress in order to undo them. Sadly, either my arms were too short or whoever designed this dress made sure that the poor idiot who wore it could never get out of it by themselves. I tried my best to get at those stupid buttons, but try as I might they seemed forever out of reach.

Griselda just watched me with a patient smile.

After a few more seconds of clawing at the fabric of the dress, I gave up and admitted defeat. I guess it was forever my destiny to be treated like a baby. I tried not to pout as Griselda walked behind me, still smiling, and began to undo the buttons. Once the last of the stupid things were undone, she helped lift the blue monstrosity over my head, and soon I found myself clad only in my underthings. Griselda hung up the dress in the all but empty wardrobe then helped me remove the rest of my clothing. Once the entirety of my pale form was revealed under the candlelight, the maid helped me put on the white nightdress that she had picked out.

“Will there be anything else, My Lady?” Griselda asked after we were done.

“Uh, no,” I answered. “I’m good.”

“Then I shall retire to my room. Have a good night, My Lady.” She bowed before departing, closing the door silently behind her.

Huh. I guess it was time to go to sleep. I wonder what time it was? I didn’t see any clocks in the keep. I wonder if I could buy a watch. Were those even invented in this world yet?

I blew out the various candles in the room, then tried not to trip on anything as I made my way to the bed in the dark. I found it without incident and crawled under the covers, feeling my body sink down into the soft mattress beneath me. I wiggled a bit to get more comfortable on the pillows, then closed my eyes. For the first time in a long while, I was actually excited at what the next day might bring. I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning, to see all that this new world had to offer. I must have been more tired than I thought because I quickly drifted off to sleep within a few minutes.

And that was how my first day in my new life had ended. Sure, parts of it had been embarrassing or scary, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything in the world. This was my new life, and I promised myself to never take anything for granted.