Chapter 28

Friday 29th January 1999

Okay, look. I know (now) that nothing was ever going to happen between Dakota and Ricardo. That I was apparently misreading things by assuming what seemed insanely obvious to me. All the same, I’d still felt that angst, and so, despite myself, it made me a little uneasy seeing Ricardo chatting with my girlfriend.

No, I swear, it’s not jealousy or possessiveness or anything like that! I know he wouldn’t do a thing. Not like he’s not got a hundred other girls to choose from, anyway. I just associate the two of them chattering away with feelings of…

Hm. Inadequacy?

Like an echo, or an afterimage, of the belief that I would never have a chance with her.

Stupid, I know.

“I always had a hunch that she likes you,” Ricardo told me, as if to rub my idiocy in further. “Her face lights up whenever she talks about you.”

“Heheh…” I chuckled softly at that, smiling at the mental image.

“So, what kind of things have you done together? Anything exciting?”

Okay, firstly, stop asking such nice questions, you damn saint.

“Uhm…” I quivered as I searched through the past month in my memory like one of those rolodexes. What I found was… nothing that exciting at all.

“We went swimming the other week? With the others, but…”

“Ah, well, it’s early days, I suppose,” he replied breezily without missing a beat. “But there’s tonnes of romantic things you could do together. Eating at a restaurant, stargazing-”

“Ricardo…” I interrupted, holding a hand up to stop him. “I… I get that you’re trying to help me, but…”

“You’re right, sorry, I’m imposing,” he apologised promptly like the gentleman he is.

“No, it’s okay…” I found myself apologising instead, suddenly feeling guilty for wanting him to stop. Compounding that guilt, he patted my shoulder.

“Really, I’ll stop. Take your time. I don’t have to tell you to make her happy.”

And he smiled a stupid dashing smile. No wonder the girls like him so much…

Still. “I don’t have to tell you to make her happy.” Evidently you do, I reasoned to myself.

…

“Have a good night, guys!” Kendal called out to Dakota and me while waving with her usual seemingly-boundless energy. “See you tomorrow!”

“Bye!” I waved back from the door, Dakota by my side. It being a Friday night, I was going to stay at hers; the arrangement with my parents was Fridays and Saturdays, nights where I wouldn’t have to get up and go to school the next morning. Makes no sense when Dakota and I go to the same school anyway, but that’s parents for you.

Once Kendal got into her car, I shut the door and turned to Dakota. I’d spent the past several hours formulating a plan, and now was the time to put it into action.

“Get your coat. We’re going out,” I told her with a smile that I hoped wasn’t too wily.

“Where? And why?” she asked, not seeming too enthused. I suppose that was to be expected, though.

“It’s a surprise, and… well, because it’s a surprise and I’m your boyfriend,” I winked at her. The explanation didn’t seem to do much.

“Does it have to be tonight?”

Her brow was furrowed a little. I marched on all the same.

“Come on, I’m being impulsive,” I half-lied. “It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

“Okay, you’ve got me curious at least…” she conceded. Her apparent lack of enthusiasm wasn’t all that unexpected… she’d seemed a little down for the whole day.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” I checked with her; only my fear of bugging her had kept me from asking her every five minutes.

“Mhm. Just having one of those days,” she assured me with a light smile. That still didn’t really convince me, so I opted to hug her. She hugged back tight.

It took us a few minutes to prepare ourselves, wrapping up warm (only one scarf available, which I insisted she wore) and setting the VCR to record Gimme Gimme Gimme. Then out we ventured into the cold winter night, under a worryingly-cloudy sky. Somehow, optimism drove me on.

See, when Ricardo mentioned stargazing, I immediately became enamoured with the idea. As much as I hated that someone else had to suggest it to me – as much as following a third-party suggestion itched at me – it was certainly romantic, and something I wanted to experience with Dakota.

And being impulsive is also romantic, so even if it wasn’t literally spur-of-the-moment, lunging on the idea as soon as possible seemed like a good thing to do.

Dakota walked beside me (of course), still seeming a little distant. If the weather wasn’t biting, I certainly would’ve felt a frosty atmosphere between us.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking,” I started as we came up on another corner we needed to take. “That whole incident last weekend with the safety buffer thing…”

“Or at least that’s what you and Bao assume it was,” Dakota pointed out.

“Sure, but if it was – and it seemed like it was – then maybe there’s a reason it was like how the monsters sometimes come with a… reality shift kind of thing?”

It’d come to me as a stray thought a few days earlier, but I figured I’d mull over it some more before presenting it to anyone.

“Like they’re flip-sides of a coin. The monsters are, like, reverse-Lokonessence or something.”

“Maybe…” Dakota mused softly.

“And so the monsters don’t want the weapons, and they’re not working for Nick,” I summarised our previous guesses. “It’s more like they’re trying to counter them, or eradicate Lokonessence. But I dunno, just a thought…”

“It’s as good as anything.”

I turned to look at her just in time to see her chilled exhalation illuminated under a streetlight.

“We’ve got next-to-nothing to go on.”

“We’ll figure it out, someday,” I said because that’s the type of thing people say. Dakota’s response was an unsatisfied “mhm”.

“That pizza was nice,” was my next conversational gambit. The six of us had ordered some in earlier, because the others weren’t in a hurry to get home and we couldn’t be bothered to cook.

“Yeah, it was,” she agreed lightly.

“What should we have tomorrow?”

“I fancy lasagne.”

“Okay…” I replied, a little taken aback. “I’ve never cooked it before… not sure if I’ve even had it before, thinking about it…”

“I’ll cook, then,” she spoke with the same tone again, “and you can be my sous-chef.”

“Sounds good!”

Cheery, in hopes of raising her spirits a little.

No reaction.

I briefly had flashbacks to escorting Kayleigh to Music. And several dozen other times in my life where I’ve failed to keep a conversation going.

And this was my girlfriend…

As our journey continued on, slowly making our way from suburbia to more rural paths where we were forced to switch to torchlight, I began considering my best approach with Dakota’s evident poor mood. Was there anything I could do to help her? Because if there was, it was my responsibility to do it. And as usual, I was failing to do that, to even ascertain what was wrong. Was she really just having a down day, or was she hiding something? Would I be okay to pry? Is it my place to-?

Wait, it’s my responsibility to help her, but not my place to pry?

Further underlining the conclusion I came to at the time: I have no idea how to even be a boyfriend.

“Are we almost there?” Dakota asked me while rubbing her upper arms for warmth.

“I… thiiink so…” was my uneasy response as I tried to piece together the route as I knew it in daylight with the darkened expedition we were undertaking. The cold was getting to me too, my gloveless hands being bitten even as I held our torch, legs and feet chilling over for being less protected than my coat-adorned upper body.

“Okay…” she murmured. By now, every gloomy response was making my heart ache. It felt so wrong, her being like this.

But then, suddenly, my mind managed to overlay the mental map with the path we were on, and I realised just how close we were to our destination.

“Yeah, just up the end of this road and we’re basically there,” I assured her.

It took us maybe a minute to make our way down the road, by which point Dakota had seemingly begun to recognise it too.

“Are we going to the field where we fought the wheel-things…?” she asked me with more than an ounce of dismay.

“Yeah, but-”

The canopy of trees we were walking under until now was gone. And the cloudy night sky hung above us.

No moon. No stars.

Why the hell I thought they’d disperse by the time we’d walked for half an hour or more, I don’t know. If I’d engaged my brain for a second, I would’ve reasoned that it wasn’t worth it that night. Saved it for another time. Maybe it would’ve been less impulsive, but screw being impulsive, it would’ve actually worked out.

“But what?”

Dakota stopped walking as I did. We just had to cross the road to get to the field, but there was absolutely no point now.

“It doesn’t matter,” I urged, trying to keep my temper under control as my raw frustration at this wasted effort began boiling away.

“Alex? What did we come out here for?” she probed innocently.

“Because I got a stupid idea in my head. I’m an idiot. Let’s go home.”

I went to turn around, but Dakota put her arm out to stop me.

“Can you at least tell me what it was?”

“What’s the point? It just spoils it for if I ever decide to pull this out of my arse again,” I argued, while stashing the torch in my pocket. And as my mind whirred:

“But then I’ve already spoilt the surprise of even bringing you here, so fine, here: I was gonna take you stargazing.”

For a moment, she didn’t respond. Being in the state I was in, I took it badly.

“Yeah, I know-”

“That’s so sweet…” she finally spoke up.

“No, it would’ve been sweet if it’d actually gone to fucking plan,” I growled. “And anyway, it wasn’t my idea in the first place. Your boyfriend’s too dumb to think of anything himself.”

“What?”

“Ricardo suggested it, trying to give me tips because clearly I need them.”

“What are you talking about…?” my girlfriend asked.

“What have we even done this past month?!”

I was almost snarling now. Yelling, certainly.

“What the hell kind of boyfriend am I that I can’t think of anything to do?! And- fucking- look at you! You’re miserable and I don’t even know why! And then my bright idea is to drag you out into the cold when it’s clearly impossible to see any stars-”

“Alex.”

I wish I could say her tone of voice was enough to shut me up – in other circumstances, it probably would’ve been – but I was so worked up that I couldn’t help but respond.

“What?!”

“Today would’ve been Dad’s birthday.”

For a moment, the world span and guilt drenched me.

Of course. Of course that was it.

“So, I’m sorry I’ve been ‘miserable’,” she continued, hurt.

“Why didn’t you tell me…?” I asked her, the pain both for her and out of my own guilt softening my tone momentarily.

“I don’t know… I never talk about this stuff. I don’t talk about him,” she admitted. “I guess I should have, but you’ve got to give me time. I’m not used to opening up about him. It still hurts, okay?”

“Yeah… sorry… You’ve been going through all of this and I dragged you out here like a complete fucking moron…”

“It’s fine-”

“No it isn’t!” I insisted, temper flaring again. “We should’ve just stayed in!”

“You didn’t know!” she pointed out, like it mattered.

“So what? You’ve been upset all day, I should’ve just… done anything but take you on a pointless fucking journey!”

Voice quickly growing louder. Anguish swirling.

“I could’ve said no!”

“You shouldn’t have had to!” I snapped back, arms spread wide for emphasis. “If I wasn’t such a useless boyfriend-”

“Right, so this isn’t about me being happy, it’s about you,” Dakota confirmed, her gaze stabbing into my exposed heart.

“No, it-”

I wanted to swear that this was on me feeling totally and utterly inadequate for her, that I could never make her happy… but in all honesty? That’s all just me, me, me.

“Yeah, fine, it is!”

Me, the idiotic self-absorbed monster.

The one who was so wrapped up in a futile gesture that I didn’t even consider how she was feeling outside of what I could do about it.

Me, the monster, and her, the saint, looking at me with rightful scorn.

“It’s about me and how absolutely fucking useless I am! I’m no boyfriend! I’m just a fucking loser like always!” I raged. “Okay?!”

“Of course not,” Dakota growled back. “You aren’t a loser.”

“Really?! Cos I look like one! And I act like one!”

I motioned up to the dreary sky, a thousand shades of grey as the hidden moon illuminated the clouds from behind.

“Look at this beautiful sight, Dakota! Look at the best thing your boyfriend’s managed to do for you in the whole time we’ve been going out! That someone else suggested to me in the first place! Think how amazing our first anniversary’s going to be! Maybe I’ll take you to a restaurant that’s already fucking closed?!”

“Why are you acting like this?”

That’s what she asked. Like I wasn’t clear enough.

“What do you fucking-?!”

The tension, the fury, in my body reached its peak.

On some deep-rooted impulse, I struck my forehead hard with my right hand.

The sting, naturally, followed immediately. Punishment, and release, both in one.

I had no time to process what I’d done before Dakota grabbed my arm.

“Don’t do that!” she cried out, looking at me with eyes full of concern and hurt. My own emotions now completely overwhelmed me, tears raced to my eyes, and I fell to my knees from the weight of it all, my arm still in her grasp.

“Break up with me…” I pleaded shakily.

“What? Why…?”

She crouched down to meet me, but between the low lighting and my watery vision, I couldn’t see her properly.

“Because I’ll never make you happy…” I told her, holding back sobs at the mere fact I was even voicing this, that I was trying to end this here even though I never wanted to be apart from her.

If she were wiser, she would’ve agreed. She would’ve left me there in a stupid crumpled pile of misery and found someone better than me. She wouldn’t have been hard-pressed to find one.

If she were stronger, she would’ve yelled, screamed, at me. She would’ve told me how pathetic and small I am, how self-absorbed and useless.

But what she did, for reasons I’m sure I’ll never fathom, is wrap her arms around me and hold me tightly, like it would protect me from all the pain.

“You make me happy every day.”

She told me.

“I don’t need stars or restaurants. They’re nice, but I’d live without them if I had to.”

She said.

“I’d spend every night indoors, eating pizza, if you were with me.”

She sniffled.

“Please, please, don’t be like this. Don’t hurt yourself. Not today. Not any day.”

She sobbed.

Tears ran down my stupid face. My arms made their way around her, and for I don’t know how long, we remained in a crying embrace at the side of the road. Thinking about it, we were lucky that no cars drove past. Someone would’ve probably stopped and we would’ve had to explain ourselves.

“I’m sorry…” I eventually managed to tell her. “You were having a bad day as it is, and I…”

“Shhhh…” she responded soothingly, drawing me to silence. “I forgive you. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest with you. I’ll try to be, from now on. But you have to be too, okay? If you’re feeling anxious, or afraid, or upset… you can tell me.”

I can’t. I can’t expose my horrible self to you. This was bad enough; any more and I’ll certainly turn you away.

So I thought. But…

“Okay…” I whispered. I could hide it, bury it. Affix the mask tighter. Anything to not lose her.

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you too,” I replied.

Breaking from the hug, she took hold of my face, wet from tears, and kissed me gently for a moment. Then, just as gently, she kissed my forehead.

“Now. Let’s go home, sweetheart.”

We both slowly stood up, and wiped away our tears. I dug the torch out of my coat pocket, switched it back on to light the journey home.

“Sorry we walked all this way for nothing…” I muttered to her as we began back off in the direction from which we’d come.

“Alex, you wanting to take me stargazing is romantic as it is, even if we didn’t get to do it,” she assured me. “But if you want to make it up to me, I think I’m gonna need a foot rub after all this walking.”

… this girl.

“Right.”

I couldn’t help but smile a little. As much as I hated myself for it.

“I guess I’ll have to, then. If it’s what you want.”

“Good boy,” she chuckled a little.

This devious girl.

This young woman who loves me.

I really don’t deserve her.