Grandest Delusion

Does someone who had always received kindness from others… know how to give it himself?

Does someone who had always received hatred from others… know how to give them kindness?

It was truly an imbalanced world we lived in…

Those who receive kindness tend to take it for granted, and those who don't only know hatred.

Working hard to fix things could lead to failure…

What's more unfair than that?

"You MUST get good results… You have to do it for the family." Ben heard his old woman plead to him.

Of course, he tried his very best at school…

…but trying his best didn't mean he'd succeed.

Especially when there were so many annoyances around. Like the random guy who'd call her out.

He was a youth with thin skin…

Rage. Embarrassment. These were the two most prominent emotions he'd felt in that vile school.

"Hey, are you REALLY studying?"

"Isn't it a waste for him to study?"

"Even losers have some pride."

"Right. I forgot about that."

Those who openly gossiped always took his attention. However, he was able to work through it.

Sacrifice was the greatest virtue he had.

The youth threw away everything other than studying. Even the chance to make new friends.

Everything was to please that old woman…

At least, until the day of his 'burnout'.

It was at that time that he got used to writing in order to control his emotions. He fed on the hate.

He 'ate' those feelings before they could devour him. All by using words written on a webpage.

His thumb vigorously typing on his phone…

The day he barely passed secondary school, his fringe was pulled and almost torn out his head.

The day he barely passed his college exams and got a lacklustre grade on his degree, he was beaten up. Even threatened that the relationship with his siblings would be ruined with her efforts.

"If you don't do it, I'll just have to ask them. You can hear their words if you can't listen to mine." A large impact hurt his fragile emotions, but he was still trying his best. Still doing what he could.

It was six months into his first year that he started to lose his 'Will'. His purpose to keep on living…

The only thing he knew was his mother's scoldings and the neglect of his sibling. Nothing else.

But humans had a knack for justifying themselves.

'I read on Internet that chocolate makes you happy.' Ben though this absurd conclusion.

It was idiotic to base his emotions over this. Even if such a mental trick worked, how long will it last?

He too knew this well…

However, thirst cannot be quenched with mere reason. He was already close to losing his sanity.

So why not become stupid?

'I am the dumbest in the world.' The youth close to entering adulthood started thinking by himself.

People piercing his thin skin so often was the reason he didn't feel embarrassed for thinking this.

Even if they criticised, they would never understand what it's like to live on foolish reasons.

To say that they were happy because they ate chocolate that day. To say they didn't have bad luck because they saw some magpies. To say that they saw that train on a railway near their house, so it must be a special day meant just for them.

Such mental tricks had helped him become the person he wanted to be. Even helping his studies.

"…Are you eating alright?" For the first time in a while, his mother asked the second year of Uni.

He didn't understand her words at all. He had every meal his mum made without leave scraps behind…

…so how could he possibly feel anything wrong?

"It's just… Your skin is going pale. Your skinny. It doesn't look like your eating enough on your own."

"It's fine. I'm doing my best to learn properly."

"So you're skipping meals…?"

"…No." He turned his eyes.

"Are you sleeping well?"

"Haha…" It was rare that his mother would be so interested, he felt a bit shy: "It just doesn't work."

"What doesn't?"

"I mean… Even small sounds wake me up. I feel like it's insomnia or something, but it's not that often."

"…" She made an unreadable face he couldn't understand, but he felt like it was nothing big.

Even though he hadn't actually made proper eye-contact with himself in the mirror since that day.

Ben was unaware that he was slowly shrivelling into a sack of bones. However, he was still happy.

Perhaps it was the mental tricks, but he was able to feel at home after finally twisting his personality.

He was a 'good son'.

Not like the siblings who had ran away from his mother…. The young man felt it was fine now.

Everything was all fine and dandy.

At least, that's what he constantly told himself.

It was after reaching the third year of University that he was able to gain some small independence.

He moved out and continued living the same way he'd done for many years. Even without his mum.

After all, she'd always call to check up on him.

Years slowly passed by, and his mother seemed to have gotten married again without contacting him.

Finally, he didn't have any expectations anymore.

The young man could become anything he wanted to be. Even walk anywhere without telling anyone.

But slowly, he realised that something was wrong…

It was at the time he'd had no choice but to have proper meals. He'd became sick of chocolate.

The taste became disgusting somehow…

But not eating it went against the lifestyle he'd built to this point. Not eating it would break his 'trick'.

Slowly, disgust became a lack of tolerance, and that eventually became intolerance for chocolate.

He'd puke it out every time from that point on…

'What… is happening to me?!' The man finally looked into the mirror and saw his facial bones.

Introspection started happening without him realising it. Every time it did, his mood would sink.

Which then fuelled his passion for writing.

This process repeated itself again and again…

Making him think lines like:

'Why should I go out?'

'Why should I wake up?'

'What am I doing with my life?'

'What was the point of everything I had done?'

'Why did I want to be called a good son?'

'What was the point of being a good son?'

His thoughts kept on repeating in a perpetual loop all this time. Eventually for him to remember:

'Oh yeah… I wanted mum to say she liked me.' For a guy who barely had friends, this was his mission.

"Hehehe~" He wasn't sure why he started to chuckle, but laughing was better than crying.

Wasn't it…?

'Why am I laughing?' Those raised cheeks suddenly fell, and the crescent on his lips flipped.

"Aaa- Aaaargh! AAAAAARGH!" The reality started to hit him again, but it was good he was by himself.

He forced down the screams and started to laugh again. If he couldn't eat chocolate, he just did this.

It was the simpler way of pretending to be happy.

So long as he smiled, he could be optimistic.

Who cared if he had no reason to be like that?

Didn't media always praise this sort of mindset?

As a master of dynamic self-justification, he felt it was better to believe this illusion… than the truth.

Distractions when in doubt became a hobby…

And that hobby lead him into the path of entering delusions. Eventually opening the realm of fiction.

He looked up the first out of his many works…

It was the story of a 'Cultivator' in an Eastern Fantasy being reborn into the modern world.

The spin being that a death game was happening.

Humanity was sent to a strange world where they had to rebuild society and battle countless foes.

This was a long novel that had exceeded 3000 chapters. A really long story that'd taken years.

Though the mediocre ending got a lot of gripes…

He became curious about how the story had started off. After all, it had been a long time.

'Hmmm? Was I always this good?' Experience allowed Ben to think good things of the story.

The beginning started off as a regular Eastern Fantasy. Except that it was based of mythology.

Norse Mythology, to be precise regarding it.

The story regarding Brunhilde and Sigurd.

Someone better known as the Germanic hero of legends: Siegfried, Slayer of the Evil Dragon.

A legend that was practically Germany's 'King Arthur', or the 'Journey to the West' in China.

Though maybe no one would be able to figure out what… HIS OWN interpretation of the novel was.

After all, only Ben could see the underlying reasons why the younger him even wrote such scenes.

This was regardless of their grammatical execution.

When he opened the webpage to gave a look, he saw the black and white mentality of the past.

Wasn't Xianxia such an easy genre to write?

The average Webnovel with this tag was trite, with the overuse of one gimmick being standard affair.

There were rare gems among the stones painted in silver, which was only due to its writing difficulty.

Depictions of cruelty were all the rage among edgy teenagers. They loved their blood, gore, and sex.

Antagonists who had no fucks to give were even better. That was so long as they stayed 'cool'.

This lead to the massive outbreak of 'poser' main characters that are always being praised by all.

Thus, Ben tried to break away from this tradition.

Rather than someone the reader could root for, he wanted to write a character which was just… awful.

And I mean EXTREMELY AWFUL!

Not that they weren't written well, were a bad person, cliché, cheesy, or any of that nonsense.

The youthful Ben back then wanted to see himself.

It was a mindset the current Ben only started to remember when he saw the setting of the Xianxia.

Rather than making it a complex world, he'd wrote the 'Demonic Practitioners' as being the type who dealt with the world, even if it meant becoming malevolent, while 'Orthodox Practitioners' were goody-goodies that truly wanted to be heroes.

It was the most distorted dystopia he thought of.

A world where illegitimate children were constantly being born and people were dying all around.

Oh how lovely this violent world was…

…only to the younger, amateurish writer back then.

The more he read it, the more Ben started to cringe and hide his face away from the screen bashfully.

'What the flying fuck did I write?!' What the hell was with this character? Why did he act like that?!

Was this his version of 'cool' back then?

It was too cringeworthy. The sex scenes were also gratuitous and were needlessly filled with anatomy.

The fuck kind of person found this guy 'cool…?!

Regardless, Ben couldn't admit that this would be the last story. He'd left it with a horrid open ending!

He then opened the page and started to squeeze out some brain juices onto the web document.

This time, he continued the story with a time reversal after death, and followed with a new man.

A protagonist the current him wasn't ashamed of.

Though having possessing an even deeper nature of teenage 'edge', 'Sidmund Tailor' was real good.

If he put the two of them on a scale of sex and violence, his new protagonist leaned to the former.

And the old protagonist leaned towards the latter.

He could imagine why though…

"Psh~" He knew he shouldn't, but genuine laughter finally left his mouth after all the tears of agony.

He went from a Delusionist to a 'Grand Delusionist'.

Funny… Funny…

The story was about a tragic man taking revenge and having sex with that one girl he really liked.

Pure in some areas and fucked up in others.

Almost the complete opposite of the current him.

Thanks to that shock, Ben finally moved on with his life and joined Micron Entertainment as a designer.

He never thought he'd have to see this novel again.