The Road Ahead

~Hope

The last of the snow is long since gone, the faint memories of winter fading away with the last glance we afforded that small mountainside town. The pyre was still burning on the morning we left, and the faint trail of black smoke still lingers in my mind.

In the thick forest that surrounds us now, there’s little left to do but talk and think. We’ve done much of the former, but sometimes silence still falls between us, and I find myself lost in thought.

There are many ways to live, and in the end that’s what everyone seems to want. The elderly here chose to live their best, but I’m sure there are plenty of other old farts out there drinking away their last days, spending them with family, or even just rediscovering old passions.

The spirit chose to come down from her mountain and all that she’s ever known, to experience what it is to be a human. Her life shining bright even in the fires where she chose to dance one last time.

What about me?

My jealousy came from their happy ending, not from the dancing or the drinking, or the games. It was that they were free from burdens and responsibilities. They could set aside all their worries and concerns and say their last goodbye with a smile.

They were embracing life even in the end, but all I could focus on was the death that came after.

Shadow is eager to pull us away from that town, all he’s experienced back there were terrible storms and freezing cold. Even I can tell that he’s grumpy about being locked away and largely ignored. His attitude towards Fate has been rather heated ever since, but she bought his affections through old, wrinkled apples.

The towns people left us burdened with plenty and then some. Much of it is food that is meant to last, but there is still some other goods weighing down the back of the carriage, with so many people gone there was plenty of things lying around that people were happy enough to pass on to us.

“It’s warm.” Fate says, clutching the reins and leaning forwards as she stretches. Her face twists up into an expression that’s ugly, but somehow also cute, before she sighs in satisfaction and leans back into the bench. Her hair catches in the odd gust of warm spring wind, fluttering back out of control for a moment before the wind passes to stillness again.

“It’s spring.” I say.

“For a little while longer.” She replies. “We need to get a move on, there’s still so much further we have to travel.”

The road ahead of us is empty of traffic but the condition of it is still rather good, making for a smooth ride. There’s no trouble ahead of us, the only fallen branches small and easily crossed without needing to get out and move them. The forest surrounding us huddles tightly around itself, the limbs of the trees and ferns interweaving into one another to hide lonely creatures in the darker shadows.

“Fate…” I let the sounds form slowly, her name making me feel a little warmer as it flows through my lips.

She turns towards me and tilts her head to the side, her brow rises in curiosity but she patiently waits for me to continue.

“What… do you want from… this?” I ask. Turning away from her as I feel my cheeks warm from her attention.

I know just how pointless this whole relationship is, but my time is also quite worthless. Thus, it’s only right to spend it on something pointless in turn, isn’t it?

We’ve shared affections in the more physical sense for a little while now, but I didn’t think anything much of it. I mean it’s enjoyable, and it’s thrilling, but it’s just a way to distract ourselves as the world ends… or that’s how I thought of it. There’s still a distance between us.

“I already told you.” She says, smiling back at me as if there’s nothing to think about. As if it’s easy for her to say it, even though I can remember her expression back when she tried to swallow her fear and held tight to my hand.

I clutch at my bag, the faint rattling warning me that I’m being too rough. I still have to find a place to say goodbye, but until then, it doesn’t hurt to enjoy this moment.

If nothing matters, then there’s nothing wrong with wasting my time.

“What does it mean to be together?” I ask, looking into the thick forestry around. I can’t see more than a few metres through the green weave that the ferns form along the side of the road, it’s so thick with life that I’m left blinded. If I stray from the path even a little, I’ll become lost.

“Whatever we want.” Fate replies, leaning back and smiling to herself. I can’t help but look at her. Her slovenly, careless posture seems so charming, there’s a confidence about her that can only be found in delusion.

“What do you want?” I ask.

“Right now?” She asks, pressing her thumb to her pink lips. “I’m happy talking with you. What about you? You don’t need to be shy, you know? If there’s something you want from me, then ask.” She chuckles, her eyes sparkling mischievously as she looks towards me, likely thinking up something silly.

I don’t know how to answer her.

That’s my issue.

I don’t know what I want.

Struggling to come up with something, anything to reply with, I panic and let words escape me before I can properly think them through.

“I want to feel warm, and happy. I want you to say my name, and… I want you to look at me.” I say, feeling like my face is going to burn up as I listen to the words escaping my own lips.

“The desert.” I add as an attempt to excuse the outburst. “I was alone for a long time. It’s just… yeah…”

“No, no.” Fate stops me, laying a hand on my thigh and meeting my eyes. “Hope. You’re rather adorable like this, please go on. What else do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know.” I reply, my voice weak in my own ears. I feel pathetic, and it’s difficult to keep eye contact with her. It was never so difficult before.

This affection, more an affliction, has gotten more serious the longer I’ve let it go on. I still feel that I can escape it if I need to. If I leap from this bench and run, never looking back, I might just save myself from this.

I just don’t quite want to.

“That’s fine too.” Fate says, smiling happily as she glances towards the road ahead. The wagons wheels turn smoothly, and there’s no fallen branches or rocks troubling our way. “We have time.”

She almost sounds like she believes it, but her words quiet the energetic joy that was bubbling up inside of me. The faint whistling of a boiling kettle rings about in my mind as I feel time slipping away from us.

“I… actually have something I wanted to ask too.” Fate says, looking conflicted but shaking it away and bravely setting her eyes ahead of us. “It doesn’t have to be right now, and I don’t mind if you want to think on it for a while first, so don’t misunderstand me when I say this.

“I… accidentally saw what you’re carrying with you and I want to hear the story behind it. It doesn’t have to be right now, just when you’re comfortable sharing with me.”

I feel like throwing up, a cold chill races down my spine, and a phantom holds my throat closed in an iron grip. The world spins, as I clutch the bag close to me, the bones inside rattling in my ears.

~Fate

She’s crying.

It’s not the weeping of a grieving widow, nor the bawling of an upset child. Quiet tears that leak out under pressure. Squeezing their way past your guard as you try to control your emotions and hide them away.

I want to say something, but I struggle to find the words. It’s only when I remember what she said just a moment ago, that I lean in close and hold her hand.

“Hope.” I say, her name. I whisper it, and gaze at her from so close that our noses brush. She sucks in a desperate breath as I touch her arm, letting out a slow sigh as my other hand cups her cheek. I catch her tears with my thumb as she slowly settles back down.

She’s lonely, and afraid.

She presses her face into my hand and leans closer to me to rest her forehead on mine. Unable to hide from my gaze, she closes her eyes.

Trembling runs through her body, the tears dripping down as she struggles to breath. Each intake of breath ragged. Each breath out a desperate whisper.

I want to know why it is that she’s crying, but I can be patient. It’s enough of a comfort to know that I’m not alone, and I know that she feels it too. Maybe not in the same way as I do, but that has never mattered.

She wants to hear her name spoken aloud, wants someone to see her, and touch her. To make her feel real.

She reaches out with her hand, squeezing my own tight and the warmth that passes through to me is enough to shove the darker thoughts in my mind deeper into the dark.

~Hope

The campfire crackles, and sparks burst to life. Fate is stirring at the pot that she’s set atop the flames, while dying sunlight warms the canopy above us granting only a few last moments of light. The leaves wave slowly in a slight gust, which quickly dies down.

“It’s nearly ready.” Fate says, as she adds a few spices to the pot, looking rather happy with herself.

“Do you really think the spirit is still around?” I ask. “Or is she just gone, like the rest of us humans?”

“You think that humans are just gone after we die?”

“I don’t know.” I admit. “That’s what it feels like to me. I’ve never seen a dead person come back to life, and I’ve never heard any stories that I could believe. No one ever comes back.”

“I’m not sure what happens after someone dies.” Fate says, looking up from the cooking pot. “But I don’t think they disappear. I’m not sure they ‘live on in the hearts of the gods’, or whatever, but I just… life is too precious a thing to just end. There has to be something more to it, that we just can’t see yet.”

“That’d be nice.” I whisper, turning my eyes towards Sanguine above us. Her red light burning with fervour and passions soon to be acquiesced, the weaving branches between us soon hiding her away again.

Fate serves up the meal and sits down beside me. Her casual demeaner, with the way she leans up against my shoulder, and presses her leg up against mine, is comforting in a way that I never really knew I wanted. Simple physical affections, that I’ve gone without for so long. Just her presence is enough to make things feel a little better.

I can almost imagine life beyond death when she’s here with me. I can almost believe the pretty lies.

“I’ll believe enough for the both of us.” Fate says, slurping down the stew. Chunks of jerky, and spiced meats, don’t quite taste the same as what I’m used to from this sort of meal, but it’s not a bad taste either.

“You’re not going to try and convince me?” I ask, looking up towards the distant sky, where a god looks back at us in indifference.

Fate shakes her head, and I can feel the faint motions as she rubs up against me.

“If you can’t believe, then you can’t believe.” She says, smiling even at the thought of it. “Reality doesn’t mind us either way. We’ll find out who’s right eventually. I just want to live happily until then, and I want you to be happy too.”

“I am.” The admission slips past me before I can catch it. Fate laughs at me as my hand slaps over my own lips in surprise.

Her smiling lips shine in the red light, and her smile seems twice as sweet, hesitantly I lean towards her, setting my empty bowl down. She responds in kind, pressing my worries down into a small corner of my mind.

I quickly learn that there’s a way to get lost, while knowing exactly where you are. Her soft lips enrapture, and hold me still like no trap I’ve ever before heard of, and when her eyes focus on me, I feel like even the gods are looking upon me, and know that I exist.

Her touch slips past my clothes, her skin smoother than the finest silks, and warmer than desert sands on the hottest day of summer.

We’ve pursued pleasure before, but this night it’s something a little more than that. There’s a spark of something growing in my heart. An affliction perhaps, or maybe a fragment of perfection.

I know Fate. I know her fears. I know how she smiles. I know how she lies to herself, and I know that I want to know more.

At the same time, she knows my secrets, or some hint of them. She knows that I want to give in, to surrender to the end of everything, but still she gives me reason to want for more. And I find myself wanting to want it.

~Fate

Last night was a little more exciting than usual. Hope is starting to fall for me. Which is strange to think, considering how far we’ve gone already. How fast we fell into one another’s arms, seeking distraction.

A recklessness of our age, mother told me. We all live and act like we have no time, but the truth is that some things can only be born over time, love being one of them.

I want to believe that she’s falling for me, but I think it’s more that she’s desperate for love and attention. It could’ve been anyone who picked her up and promised to come with her, to see her quest to its end. She could still find someone else, if we somehow split paths. This isn’t some deep love, not yet.

In time, affections can grow, and a passing crush can turn into something more romantic.

Given time, she’ll truly, properly fall in love with me.