Chapter 0

There I was, on the roof of my apartment building. A flurry of thoughts rushes through my head; each one getting louder and louder. At first I had thought of them as mere worries that would pass eventually, but as the problems grew, so too did these thoughts. What was once a monthly occurrence slowly became weekly and then daily. Now, the only time my mind isn’t crushed under the weight of millions of words is when I'm asleep. As such, a warm bed and a good night’s sleep is what I seem to value most in this world. “If I can just make it through today” I think to myself. If I make it through the day, all that ever awaits me is tomorrow. My only solace being a mere 8 hours devoid of thought. Every morning feels like being crushed by a building. A brief moment of respite before the eventual realization that I must go through the entirety of the thing known as “today”.

It wasn’t always like this, however. There was a time when I was “happy” or at least content with my circumstances. Although now I make it sound as though I have lived a full life, when I am in fact still at what many would describe to be the peak of my youth. A young, 18 year old boy, fresh out of high school. I spend my days working full-time delivering pizzas for the shop down the road. They pay me enough to get by, I guess. It’s funny, people say money won’t buy you happiness, but at the very least I’d like to think it would help you find it. At the very least, maybe I’d be able to have food in my fridge. At the very least, I’d be allowed out of this shithole I call a home.

I know I may make it seem as though my thoughts are what give me hell. Don’t get me wrong, I had thought of everything to try and get them to stop. Unfortunately, medication isn’t exactly cheap, and I’m not exactly on billionaire’s row over here. So, I make do with my circumstances. No matter how much I may make do with my thoughts; however, nothing will ever allow me to silence her. Mothers are supposed to be caring and sweet; maybe a little annoying at times but still lovable, and perhaps mine was at a time. The thing is about people though, once they’ve gone bad, there’s next to nothing you can do to get them back to the same person you once knew. At one point I had blamed my father for running off with some woman and abandoning us. “If only he hadn’t left maybe she’d still be…”, but now I see that this was inevitable. The one thing about people with a mental illness is, they hate being told they’re mentally ill. Thing is, mental illnesses don’t just go away. They slowly eat at you over time. Taking bits and pieces of the person you once were until all that’s left is a shadow, the occasional flash of that original person. My mother, after 9 long years of suffering is a shadow. Every now and again I may see her eyes light up like they used to, but what I see far more are the almost lifeless, hate-filled eyes of the woman known as Mom. I could leave if I wanted to, but where would that leave my siblings. My mother doesn’t work; she rarely even cooks food or leaves her room. College wasn’t even a thought for me because by the time I had started this job we were already on the verge of being kicked out. It’s only because the landlord had known us for so long and was aware of our circumstances that they even let us stay for an extra couple months until I got some money. Even all that kindness won’t put food on our plates, though. I can’t remember the last time I had a good meal, hell, if you can even consider the stuff I eat a meal.

I despise myself, I despise that I’m just sitting here pitying myself, I despise the circumstances that forced me to be in this situation, but most of all I- I’m so tired.

“I shouldn’t cry, it will get wet”

A lone note accompanied the boy as he sat there in silence.

I quickly signed my name before I started having any more doubts. There I was, top of my apartment building, a beautiful blue sky, not a cloud in sight. It was almost as if the world was trying to mock me. Still, I resolved myself, maybe one day I’ll be forgiven, but right now, this is all I can manage.

I heard one step, then two, then three, then-.

All that could be heard was a lone car alarm under the bright blue sky…