The First Step

It's looked like... a dream.
Am I dreaming? 
Or maybe not?

I couldn't say for sure.

The Images that I saw.
The sound and voices that I heard.
The pain that I felt .

It felt too vivid to be a dream. 
But, no matter how vivid those things were,
I couldn't remember it distinctly. 

Is the dream a good one?
Or maybe a bad one?

I don't know.
I don't understand.
I don't get it.

Within my confusion, a sudden rush of countless voices came to my head. 

"You don't know me!! Let me go!!"
"Get the hell back here you goddamn whore!!"
"---Ayu!! Watch out!!"
"---No---- No---!---No!!---Not like this!! Raya please!!"
"The girl bleeds out of a sudden!! anyone, anybody please! Help!"
"This is the pain that you have to shoulder, Great Hero."
"Give it back! Give it back to me! you can take anything else, but not that one--!!"
"---A slut like you should burn in hell."

---What the hell is this?
Where the hell did these things come from?
Who the hell is messing up with my head?

Every second passes, the voices that I heard didn't stop.
In a matter of fact, the voices started to multiply. 
The more voices there, the more they overlapped each other.

"---You're not a goddess--"
"Do your job already. Coward."
"You really are interesting, you know that?"
"----NO!! GET AWAY!! NOW---"
"---Live--On--Raya--"
"REITAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

"...You are the only person, who deserve to paint this blank white world."

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"---Gahk!?"

What is that?
A bad dream?
But it doesn't feel like---

Suddenly, i felt an intense pain, strikes to my head.

What the hell is going on?!
The pain sharpens.
I squeeze my head with both of my arms and hands to suppressed it.

But, it doesn't work.
The pain keep intensifies until my head feels numb.
My vision starts to get blurry all of a sudden.
My eye feels like it's going to fell from it place.
My ear couldn't hear anything other than an eerie ringing sound.

But... each time the pain I felt became worse and worse,
The Images that I saw, become more and more vivid than before.

The conversation that I have.
The experience that I got.
The knowledge that I learnt.

The memories that I preserve. 

It all became more and more clear.

~Now is not the time, Young One. Your fate... is still naught but a straight single line.~

"--Urp?!"

Then, an unusual sensation starts to grow within my stomach.
A sudden urge to throw up, built up really fast from the insides of my belly.
The blurry vision that I had before also turned into a hazy one real quick. 
Is this... nausea? 

The voice that I heard before...
It's a voice of a woman, and a really gentle one at that. 
A really gentle, sweet and beautiful voice that gives you a feeling of safety and ease of mind. 
You could say that her voice feels kinda... blessed. Heavenly even.
Without seeing her face, I could say that this woman, have an unparalleled beauty.
But for some reason.

It disgusts me. 

The sudden urge to throw up intensifies.
The stinging pain in my stomach increase. 

I tried to cover my mouth with my right hand. 

"---Uuu-rgh!!"

This is bad. 
The heat inside my gut is worsening.

I might vomit for real. 

Just when I almost gave up to my impulse to throw my insides out, Somebody suddenly barge in to my room with a loud crashing sound.

It looked like, somebody push the door rather harshly.

"--The--hel--l--?"

... Really?
Do you have to do this to a dying man's room? 

...Is this world hate me or something? 
Fate must've really hate me that bad to make me like this. 
Why am I thinking like this? 

Cause, why not?

First, I have to suffer a horrific experience of pain and suffering. 
Second, I'm dying right after I woke up.
And now, I have to face some intruders when my condition is on the verge of death?

Fate must be a damned crap.
A smelly one at that.

Then, some one called my name.

"Sir Raya---!"

I turn my head to see the insolent intruder with hatred.
That is the time, when all of my rage and confusion turned into a surprise. 
And a pleasant one at that. 

The girl with a beautiful white frilly dress gasped in surprise when she saw me. 
But not only that, she also looked awfully worried and genuinely scared when she saw me. 
"gasp!---Oh god---! What happe-"

...Crap.
Just before she completed her sentence, I forgot that I have been trying to resist the urge to vomit. 

"-----!"
"---gasp!"
The vomit that has been long resisted now stained the white bed sheet and blanket.

Great. 
Now I have to sleep with bed that full of grastic juices? 

...Wait a minute. 

I thought I was seeing the the wrong thing since my eyes are blurry and hazy sight. 
The color's not supposed to be like that.
I tried to see my palms. 

...Crap. 
So it really is red. 

My body tumbles down to the floor with the tainted blanket. 
Now the floor is also stained with blood. 

"--Sir Raya! No!"
The girl started to run towards me. 

My vision is getting more and more blurry than before.
I could only see colors without definite shapes. 

...My eyelids starts to get heavy.

"No! Please! Don't close your eyes!"

I could feel a warm light enveloping my whole body.
...What a really nice weather to take a nap.
My eyelids start to get more and more heavier. 

"----You!-----A---La---Hope--on't---Die-----!!"
What? 
I couldn't hear it clearly.
My eyelids also given up to stay opened.
I guess... I have to take a little nap.

Huh...
...What a shame. 
She's a really beautiful girl.

...But, 
I think... she's still more beautiful than her.
Her long black hair. 
Her round wide eyes.
Her shiny black pupils. 
her slender arms and fingers. 

...

I guess.... 
I really want to meet her again.

But seeing what happened just now,
I think, is kinda impossible, right?

Huh...

That's when I really thought it for the first time. 
After all these years resisting it.
After all these years holding it.
My real feelings are surfacing right in the last moment in my life.

"I really wanted to meet you... ■■ー■.