XV

“Dr Ichikawa prescribed this to help you relax,” the nurse said, fitting a needle into the tube attached to my arm and injecting a yellowish substance into my IV. I nodded glumly.

“I apologize,” I mumbled. “I didn’t mean to get so worked up.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me,” the nurse smiled. “You were calm compared to some.” I smiled wanly as she finished. I closed my eyes and tried to remember. It was odd, really. Most of my life seemed to be only fragments of memories. I remembered bits and pieces of elementary school, walking to school in the rain or playing soccer. I remembered less from high school. Why did I remember so little? Had my fall affected everything in my life? I wondered; had my entire existence except for these small tidbits been erased by hitting my head? That seemed unlikely.

A door, I tried hard to remember. What was the door? It was dark wood, not one of the cheap doors you found on a bathroom or closet, but a solid door. The flowers were dried and cracked, as if they’d been there for weeks. I saw my hand reach toward the door, much smaller than it was now and then…nothing. My mind recoiled from the memory like I had touched a hot stove. What was behind the door? I shuddered involuntarily.

Other memories were still there, whole and untouched. I remembered bits and pieces of the house I had lived in. It was far from the nearest town and made of stone. A garden sat behind the house with several large cherry trees looming over the tall garden wall. It was dark when I had run away. I remembered creeping through the thick underbrush to avoid the narrow dirt road and finally emerging onto a highway. I had no plan on where to go, I just had to go. I didn’t recall why, exactly, but I knew that I had to leave.

I remembered it was cold, my breath exploded from my lips in the chill air as I ran as fast as I could, a small bag filled with some clothes, a book, twenty thousand yen I’d saved and several cans of food thumped uncomfortably against my back as I ran, the cold causing tears to stream from my eyes.

I had just run until I could run no longer, then I walked. It had taken several hours to reach the nearest town where I bought a train ticket to Tokyo from Tamura. I remembered sitting in the seat, hunched down as low as I could get to avoid being noticed, and watching the land speed by outside the window, with each kilometer I put between me and Tamura I felt more weight lifting from my shoulders and by the time the train had reached Tokyo I sat upright and straight.

It had been unpleasant at first. I had been homeless and broke but I found a job in a convenience store at night and slept in an abandoned shop with a pair of other girls. I had worked hard and became an assistant manager. I made enough money to pool with the other two and get a room at a hostel where we could take showers and eat something besides instant ramen and whatever else we could scavenge. I thrilled at the ability to care for myself. I loved sharing quiet moments and happy times watching television shows in the common room or talking about all the things we were going to do with the other two.

We had been close but drifted apart over time. One had gotten married, I recalled, and the other had simply left one day without a word. I remembered being conflicted over whether to look for her or not. On one hand I had wanted to see if she was safe, but on the other she had always been independent and reacted angrily if people pried too deeply into her business so, in the end, I had let her go, hoping she had found happiness.

I tried to remember their names and faces but only a vague memory of bright green hair came to mind. Something strange seemed to be happening to me, though. A feeling of falling into a vast emptiness seemed to be overcoming me. I tried to look at the clock across the room but my eyes were growing heavy and had difficulty focusing. I glanced down to find my hands had dropped nervelessly to my side and I lacked the ability to move them.

The door seemed to open but I couldn’t focus enough to tell and then a tall, thin man appeared in my field of vision. He looked vaguely familiar but my mind simply refused to process where I’d seen him before. Suddenly he was replaced by the narrow face of a woman with brown hair pulled back in a braid and strange amber eyes that seemed even more familiar than the man. She looked at me sternly for a long moment before her red lips curled in a smile and she leaned forward. I flinched subconsciously, expecting…what? To be hit? Bitten? I didn’t know, my body had simply done it of its volition. She grinned more broadly and kissed my forehead lightly, but not tenderly.

“Time for you to come back to the pasture little lamb,” she whispered gleefully.