XVLII

My whole body ached as I sat in the car next to Amanda, head leaning on the window for what little comfort it offered. It was official, I thought, my life was a nightmare. I tried my best to ignore the reflection in the glass but it was difficult. My eye had swollen up so that I could barely see out of it and my cheek had also bruised pretty badly and my lips looked like I’d gotten stung by a bee. I focused my limited vision past the reflection and stared at the land passing by outside. Trees clung close to the road and the mountains beyond soared into the cloudy sky like giant snow-capped faces glowering down over the land. I had no idea where we were going but at least I wasn’t back there.

The more I thought about things as they were the more I was unsure if I even wanted to remember anything. It didn’t seem like the things I couldn’t recall were good things. Would it be best if I just simply forgot? It definitely seemed more convenient that way. I stole a glance at my “aunt” as she drove. Her jaw was clenched angrily and her eyes were fierce and glaring at the road ahead. I had wondered whether the saccharin sweet niceness was only an act and she had definitely proven me right. I mean, honestly, who even had a gun in Japan? I wondered how many of the memories I’d lost were of her. What parts of my life that I blocked out had involved this person?

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to see Sachi. I wanted to forget about awkwardly flirting with her and tell her flat out that I love her and want to be with her. If she rejected me at least I would know that I was true to my feelings. Maybe one day she’d even forgive me and be my friend again. I wish I’d told her. Who knows, I thought, maybe I did tell her. Maybe that’s why I was kicked out. Maybe she was so disgusted with me she couldn’t even deal with me being in the band anymore. No, that didn’t make sense. She was so kind to me before this whole train wreck with Amanda happened. None of this made any sense, to be honest.

What about Rei? Was she coming back? Was she meeting us wherever we were going? So many questions and so few answers frustrated me. I didn’t mind not knowing things but I hated not knowing what I even didn’t know. It was like going in for an exam and having to guess at answers to questions they wouldn’t even show me. How was I supposed to make sense of anything?

Of course, I reasoned, maybe that was intentional. The best way to keep someone controlled was to keep them ignorant and confused. Maybe that’s what this whole thing was: an elaborate ruse to keep me off balance. I opened my eyes, the right one swollen completely shut by now, and stared at the land as it sped past. What would be the point of something like that, though? I was nothing. I was beginning to feel that maybe I was just being paranoid. Maybe all that had happened was nothing more than it appeared on the surface. That was probably what it was. I closed my eyes again and quickly fell into a fitful sleep.

“We’re here,” Amanda’s voice broke through my dreamless sleep and I jumped in response. My face ached terribly and my good eye couldn’t focus for a long moment as I stared blindly around me. Finally my vision cleared and I stared in horror at the house standing in front of me. I knew this place. This was the home of my nightmares. This was where the darkness in my memories lived. This was the place my mind shrank back from in terror.

“Welcome home, little lamb,” Amanda said as she opened the door. I looked toward the tall brick garden wall where I’d fled years before to find it had been topped with razor wire. It was difficult to breathe and my steps faltered as Amanda led me roughly from the car toward the gate of the house. I felt like the ground was going to rise up around me and swallow me whole as I staggered through the gate. The brick walk was uneven and Amanda dragged me as much as I walked.

“You’ve slept a bit,” Amanda said as we entered the hallway. “Are you feeling better?”

“Not really,” I mumbled, more to myself than her. To be honest, I was panicking. I felt myself beginning to freeze up. Half-remembered images flooded my mind and my heart raced like I’d just run a marathon.

“You’d better start feeling better,” Amanda warned. “We start your road to stardom this afternoon.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“It’s time you took your training to the next level, Akari,” Amanda replied with a smile. “You’re going to be a star, just like your mom and I always planned.”

“Mom…”I whispered to myself. No matter how hard I tried my mind had nothing to seize on, just a vague feeling of dread and an image of dead flowers hanging on a door.

“I kept your room just as it was,” Amanda said with a grin. “Welcome home.” The welcome was not warm and this place was not my home. I wanted to scream. I wanted to fight. I wanted to run but my mind was numb, my body unresponsive and so, in the end, I followed her docilely through the expansive living room, past the dance studio and to a small room barely bigger than a closet. I stepped inside, no longer feeling anything but fear and dread. The room had nothing but a small dresser and a single bed, barren of linens. I knew the room well.

“Who are you, really?” I mumbled, more to myself than to the tall woman behind me.

“I’m your worst nightmare if you aren’t willing to work,” Amanda replied icily. She had let the mask she’d been wearing finally drop. There was really no need to keep up appearances anymore, I supposed. “You were always talented, Akari, everyone could see that. You’re undisciplined, though. You lack focus. You lack drive. You are too flighty. Your mind is always far away. I’ve helped you deal with the things that might distract you from your goal.”

“I don’t understand,” I replied, too emotionally drained to even cry anymore.

“You don’t need to understand,” Amanda snapped. “You need to do what you’re told. If you do, you’ll reach the pinnacle of the mountain we both hoped for you.”

“What if I don’t care about any pinnacle?” I mumbled.

“Then I’ll break you on the rocks below until you beg me to raise you up,” Amanda replied.

“What is my goal, then?” I intoned.

“Whatever I tell you it is,” Amanda said matter-of-factly.

“I see,” I replied.

“You will. Now get some rest. You’ve got work to do this afternoon.” With that she closed the door. I heard a series of locks slide into place and I was left alone in my prison. I stared at the small window with bars bolted to it and then down at my wrists, the jagged scars on both of them faded but still visible. I had come home to despair and misery.