The Depths of Solitude

“Yoshimitsu Suzuki!”

“Here.”

Shosen International school, Tokyo.

My name is Yoshimitsu Suzuki. Currently 17 years old. I’m what you’d call a “loner”. I live by myself, do things on my own, handle problems on my own, and always seen alone, hence a very independent person. Not many people know about my existence or about who I am. Therefore, they don’t acknowledge any of my actions.

 Besides, I’m a transfer student.

Now then, why the hell would I be here? Well, I was supposed to be in Sydney, but my parents found a better job in Tokyo. We actually lived in Australia for quite a good while before moving back to our home country, so naturally my Japanese isn't as fluent as it should be. Hence is why I'm attending an International school. I can speak more confidently in Japanese here, and there are also a handful of other students who are somewhat semi-Japanese. I guess they'd be in the same situation as I am; but then why am I the only one who's isolated?

Without interaction and friends, I spend my time daydreaming and reaching out to my thoughts; observing everyone’s behaviors in class and left alone in solitude.

From the moment ever since I transferred into this international school, I’ve been a very light presence to everyone around me. The students here have all been growing up together since their elementary years, and I’m nothing but a stranger studying with them. My parents tell me to make friends at school, but I never manage to create a deep, trustworthy bond. Everyone here has someone that they share better relations with. I’m isolated, unheard of and not seen by the naked eye; in other words, I have no friends. That is who I am, and I’ve come to terms with that. For me, it's as if reality continues to try and persuade me— that I am all alone in this world, and that there is no need for social interaction.

Despite disliking interaction, at the same time I yearn for it. They say that people are social creatures, but people can judge you for who you are. They fear the differences, and continue to judge each and every detail within us. That’s why I’m always alone. I was to move forward alone. Does this striking feeling of emptiness count as suffering?

No.

I’m a really selfish and contradictory person, aren’t I?

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “To live is to suffer, and to survive is to find out the meaning of suffering.”

We are all living our lives, finding a meaning to suffering. Finding ways to prevent suffering. That’s why, people play and eat and have fun. We turn our eyes away from suffering, focusing on the positives. Suffering becomes naught but a concept, but it stays there, and those who acknowledge its existence are probably people like me; fearful and isolated from the rest of society.

I wonder when I’d be able to conquer and find meaning in suffering. All I ever do is think and wonder, with every thought happening in my head. I always feel excluded and detached from the people around me, because I hardly ever talk to the people around me. The only times I’ve ever been prompted to talk are whenever there’s a class activity held by the class monitors or whenever a teacher tells me to answer a question. I guess there are exceptions where some individuals ask how I’m doing, but the conversation ends after approximately 5 seconds. As long as I tell them “Yeah, I’m doing fine” they’d leave me alone and I’d go back to being in isolation all over again.

Will I ever escape this prison of solitude? I have no idea. It’s unhealthy, always thinking so deeply like this with almost no social interaction whatsoever. My family said that it was my bad habit of ending the conversation too quickly that lead to my lack of interaction.

Some time has past and it’s recess now. The classrooms empty themselves, devoid of students and sound. It’s peaceful here; the silence can be deafening at times. The sight outside the window is also breath-taking; tall skyscrapers faraway, with our school on a nice peaceful green hill. Students from different grades all play on the field and hangout within the school, while I get to look at the scenery; Despite all the beauty in recess, this peaceful empty classroom still makes me feel lonely, as if I were the only person in the world.

No matter what time it was, it was always boring and pointless for me, because without interaction with society, nothing new happens and you would be left alone with your thoughts. It's another reason why I wish for interaction, despite hating it. It makes life more interesting, because flags and events happen whenever there is interaction. Of course, a normal conversation would be nice as well.

Then again, sometimes I can't be bothered.

And as I've stated before, I have a light presence.

People don't notice me.

I have no place in this school.

I wonder what people will think of me if I started suddenly being more "active". Would it be weird for me to step out of place since I've been a loner this whole time? There are just too many possibilities, and my critical thinking is pointing me towards negative outcomes. God, I hate myself sometimes. It would be weird for someone so quiet and stoic to suddenly start talking to other people though, so I can't beat myself up over it too much.

“It’s going to be another dull and boring day,” I thought to myself.

That was, until I heard a voice that resembled somewhat of a scream. 

In the distance, I heard someone yelling in the hallway. During break time and lunch, everyone's usually either out in the field playing or at the cafeteria. If there's no one in the building, then whoever screamed was either probably deranged or in trouble.

“I guess I’ll go check for a change of pace.”

With that, I get up and I head out of the classroom.