Chapter Twenty One - Poop

“Do you know what you never see in books or manga or tv shows or movies or anything?” Emi pointed her chopsticks into the air as if a revelation from on high had descended upon her. Mizuki, Aria and I all groaned. Even the criminally dense Yuto who was careful to keep out of kicking distance from me at the tables we’d moved together looked around nervously. Only Saki, poor, sweet, innocent, pure Saki appeared to not sense the incoming Emi-ness.

“What’s that, Emi-senpai?” Saki asked curiously.

“No one ever poops,” Emi replied sagely. Saki’s face drew taut in a mask of horror and humiliation while the three of us dropped our heads onto our chests. Of course it was something like that. It had to be.

“Oh, yeah, huh?” Yuto said in wonder. God, he was an idiot. I scowled at him.

“Shut up, meatball,” I snarled hoarsely. “You’ll only encourage her.”

“I mean, they eat and drink, but they never poop,” Emi continued on, undeterred by our reaction. “Are they all constipated? How can they do heroic things when they’re constipated? My grandma gets like that and is all bloated and stuff and can’t do anything, let alone something heroic. I mean if my grandma normally did heroic things she couldn’t when she’s all plugged up. It’s weird, right?”

“See?” I glared at Yuto meaningfully and was content when he lowered his head in shame. “Now you think about what you’ve done, you bastard.”

“You must not be watching the right hentai if you’ve never seen it, then,” Aria gasped, nearly choking on her own laughter.

“They don’t poop because no one wants to read about or see that sort of thing,” Mizuki scowled at Aria and Emi in turn. It had only been two days since Aria and I had our talk but it, honestly, felt like nothing much had changed. I had gone back to school the day after, my voice still mostly gone, but we had effortlessly slipped into the normal routine of our lives. Honestly, the whole situation felt surreal yet comforting.

“Look! I’m not talking about scat play or something!” Emi protested to Aria.

“Scat play?” I cocked my head to the side. “What the hell is that?”

“Don’t ask!” Aria put her fingers to my lips hurriedly, no longer trying to hold in her laughter. “Don’t ever ask! And you. Emi. You don’t tell! I’ll not have K-chan perverted by your weird fetishes.”

“I don’t have a fetish or anything! Seriously! All I’m saying is just throw it in there sometimes. Like ‘After defeating the demon lord and attending the Feast of Victory at the king’s palace, Kenji made his way home in the dark and perched upon the hero’s throne. Then, looking back over the events of the day, he had a satisfying poop.’ Something like that,” Mizuki started to giggle nervously. Saki’s look of horror was etched on her pretty face, her mouth open in an O of shock as her head shook, nearly imperceptibly, from side to side in a “no” motion.

“It’s not very heroic to describe the hero’s bowel movements,” Aria finally broke down in giggles as well as she replied to Emi.

“I’m not talking about describing the poop itself,” Emi protested. “That’s sick and gross. I’m saying acknowledge the hero does it. That would be enough, I think.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I shook my head, holding up my hand to make her stop, trying desperately to hold my own giggle in. “We get it. There’s something wrong with you, Emi.”

“Oh! That reminds me! We need to have ideas in for the school festival by the end of the week. What should we do?” Emi had switched gears as effortlessly as a well-tuned Ferrari. “I think we should do a maid café!”

“We’re not in the same class, Emi,” Mizuki pointed out. Emi looked shaken.

“She’s not even in the same grade!” Aria gestured to Saki.

“But my class sucks!!! They want to do an art…display…thing,” Emi pouted. “I can’t draw things. I can’t think about drawing things without getting a headache. Why can’t we do a maid café?”

“I don’t think that’s how things work,” I ventured. Suddenly a shadow crawled across the table and I glanced up to find Daishi standing over us, arms crossed over his chest as he glowered down.

“I need to talk to Aria,” he growled, his glare moving to fall squarely on me.

“What about?” Aria’s eyes narrowed perceptively. “I’m busy right now.”

“I need to talk to you,” he repeated. Aria sighed and put her chopsticks down on the table in front of her.

“Fine,” Aria snapped, following after Daishi.

“Uh,” Mizuki looked at me. I shrugged and looked at Saki who shook her head and looked at Emi who sucked her juice through a straw, pinky extended delicately and stared off into the distance.

“Does Daishi have a vocabulary?” Emi finally asked, cocking an eyebrow quizzically. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him use any word bigger than two syllables.”

“He used a few three syllable words when he was threatening me that day, didn’t he, Mizuki?” I replied.

“Oh, yeah, he did. I’m not sure that counts as a vocabulary, though,” Mizuki scratched her head.

“H-He threatened you, senpai?” Saki asked, her eyes wide, a hint of anger in her large brown globes.

“Not to worry, Saki-chan,” Mizuki waved her hand dismissively. “Our K-chan has abs of steel and fists of iron.”

“He’s an asshole,” I smiled brightly at Saki who returned my smile but still seemed somewhat perturbed. What, actually, was going on? The two had disappeared around the corner in a most suspicious kind of way. Was it suspicious? Maybe they were talking about what had gone on before at the coffee shop. I hated this. I hated being suspicious and…jealous? Was I jealous? Of Daishi? Of everyone? God, I was so pathetic. I lowered my head while Emi hung on Saki’s shoulder as if she could talk the school into changing it’s policy by appealing to her somehow and picked at the rice in my bento.

The way Daishi told her they needed to talk and her reaction…peculiar. Very peculiar. No. More than that. Yes, I finally decided, it was suspicious. I didn’t care for it. But what could I do about it? I was at a loss. Why? Why was I hesitant to say anything? I shouldn’t be. Aria had confessed to me. I had a right to say something, didn’t I? Of course, we weren’t actually dating so I’m not sure where the limits of what I could and couldn’t say were. I hated this.

Why can’t I go through one day? One fucking day without my head spinning because of the damn American. Honestly, I just wanted to go back to the way I was before she walked into school. Drifting through life at my own pace calmly hating my brother and merely existing rather than swimming in the maelstrom left in the American’s wake.

Now? Here I was caught in an endless loop, jealous, suspicious, and just so completely not myself I could barely remember who I was anymore. I took another bite of rice and sighed. This whole thing sucked ass. And not lovely, petite, perfect idol ass, either. This sucked nasty, gross, sweaty, hairy fisherman ass. I shuddered at my own analogy.

“Are you ok, senpai?” Saki asked, concerned. I glanced up and smiled as broadly as I could muster.

“Right as rain, Saki! Thank you!” My voice was still nowhere near recovered but it was coming back, at least. I glanced vaguely toward the door and scowled before dragging my attention back to the conversation going on around me.

“How about we talk to the principal?” Emi asked. “If we’re nice maybe he’ll let us do group things instead of class things. Last year sucked anyway. What kind of school doesn’t have a maid café for a school festival? Honestly.”

“It’s a little late to be trying to change things,” Mizuki shook her head disapprovingly. “Why not try to convince your class to do a maid café instead of changing the way the festival works?”

“Because my class is stupid and has stupid ideas,” Emi replied bluntly with an exasperated sigh. “Besides, I already tried. How about we have Saki show her boobs to him? I bet that’d change the principal’s mind!”

“No!” I snapped, a little more strongly than I’d intended to react. Emi grinned at me and winked.

“W-What?” Saki was horrified, crossing her arms self-consciously over her chest.

“Well, you’ve got the biggest boobs of all of us except Aria and probably Yuto, but I was kidding!” Emi grinned. I nearly gagged at the thought of Yuto without a shirt. Mizuki truly was taking one for every girl in Japan by dating him. “Only kidding! We’ll have Mizuki do it.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Mizuki sniffed. “I am spoken for; I’ll have you know. Besides, that’s gross.”

“I doubt meatball’d even notice,” Emi gestured with her chin at Yuto who was giggling obliviously at whatever he was watching on his phone.

“My honor was impugned, Yuto!” Mizuki snarled. “Aren’t you going to defend it?” Yuto glanced up and blinked stupidly like a lizard in the sun.

“Huh?” He drawled.

“Don’t worry, Mizuki,” I soothed her with a grin. “I’ll defend your honor.” I shook my head at Emi. “Don’t involve others in your weird plots, Emi. It disturbs them.”

“Well, I can’t do it. I mean, I look like a 10-year-old boy,” Emi glanced down regretfully at her chest. “Why won’t they grow already?”

“Well, he might like 10-year-old boys,” I grinned.

“Those poor boys,” Emi shook her head. “No, the plan’s too gross, even for me. But we have to do something! I don’t want to be stuck with humiliating stick figure drawings as my contribution to the festival. At least at a maid café I can contribute my mind-numbingly awesome vivaciousness and bubbly charm!”

“Don’t forget your stunning modesty!” I supplied with a grin.

“I am the most modest! I mean, I’m so humble it is probably a crime,” Emi smiled back. “We need to think of something!” Everyone turned to look at me expectantly.

“What?” I asked uncomfortably.

“The principal likes you! He’s friends with your dad!” Emi grinned. “Talk to him! Convince him to take advantage of my gloriousness!”

“I don’t want to,” I scowled.

“You’re going to let my charm go to waste?” Emi pleaded, pretending to sob. Saki patted her head sympathetically and looked at me hopefully.

“I wish I could help you feel better, Emi-senpai!” Saki cooed. “I hate to see you so upset!”

“Et tu, Saki?” I scowled. Saki smiled sheepishly.

“It’d be so much fun! We could work on things together! We could make it the best time in the history of ever!” Emi was bouncing up and down with excitement. “We could serve tea and cakes to the masses with a dose of elegance and charm! Come on! It’ll be amazing! Pleeeease!?” Saki, Emi, and Mizuki all stared at me with wide, hopeful eyes and I finally sighed and lowered my head.

“Shit.” I muttered. “Fine. I’ll talk to him after school.”

“Yatta!” Emi exclaimed, throwing her arms skyward in victory. “This is going to be amazing!”

“You know it’s probably not going to work, right? The school’s been doing it this way for, like, a million years. They’re not going to change it just because I asked them to. Don’t get your hopes up.” I lectured, pointing my chopsticks at Emi for emphasis.

“This is going to be so incredibly amazingly awesome!” Emi hugged Saki and then Mizuki in excitement. “I need to buy stuff to make maid outfits! Oh! And cakes! So much to do! We’re going shopping after school!” Of course, she ignores me, I sighed. Why wouldn’t she?