Chapter Twenty Three - Done

“Is that a confession?” Aria’s look was a combination of bewilderment, hope, and confusion. “Or is it, like, a literal ‘don’t throw rocks when it’s dark because you can hurt someone’ kind of thing?”

“What do you think?” I sighed.

“I don’t know!” She scowled. “Pretend I’m a moron and explain using little words.” I glanced about surreptitiously before replying.

“Yes, I love you, ok?” I sighed.

“Yay!” She exclaimed far too loudly for my tastes. “Now it’s lovey dovey time!”

“Wait!” I scolded her, grabbing her arm to keep her from bouncing around me excitedly. “It’s not that simple. Shit, you of all people should know that after what happened in California.”

“Oh…oh, yeah. Huh, I guess you’re right,” Aria scowled as if the reality had just occurred to her.

“You kind of told me the gist of your situation but let me enlighten you on mine,” I sighed. “My mom is about as conservative as you can get and my dad’s a total tool and will do whatever she says. She would never accept me being gay. And when I say never, I mean she’d rather kill me herself than deal with that. I don’t know how much of an exaggeration that is, but I imagine it’s pretty close to what would happen.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose as I talked, the stress of the whole situation was giving me a headache.

“Not to mention Japan in general and Tottori in particular are not hotbeds of acceptance for homosexuals,” I turned to look at her and could tell she wasn’t paying nearly as close attention as she should be. I finally grabbed her by the arms and made her look at me, her blue eyes sparkled in the late afternoon light. “This isn’t something simple is what I’m getting at, Aria.”

“I know! But we’re dating now, right?” Aria moved on with a speed I found disconcerting.

“No,” I sighed. “Shit, don’t you listen to me? I want to be with you. I really do. But I also think you have some issues you have to deal with in your ex and whatever the hell you’ve got going on here.”

“My ex? This isn’t some manga where she’s going to pop up saying ‘fufufu’ from a bus stop. She’s half a world away. And what do you mean about what I’ve got going on here?” Aria asked with a scowl. “What are you trying to say?”

I’d apparently backed myself into a corner and chewed my lower lip fitfully. How could I say “I don’t trust you, yet.” Without actually saying it. I felt I was stepping on thin ice. Still, I didn’t trust her. Not completely. I sighed and shrugged. I suppose honesty was the best policy. Even if it ended up ruining our relationship before it truly began and caused her feelings to be hurt and made me into the bad guy. The phone call, despite her protestations to the contrary, was still suspicious as was whatever the hell was going on with Daishi, not to mention the weird feeling I sometimes got, all combined into a maelstrom of emotions that tore at me bit by bit. Was love supposed to be like this? Was love actually simply death by a thousand cuts, each leaving scars time and communication could never really heal?

“You don’t trust me,” Aria’s voice was cold. “Right?”

“I didn’t say that,” I pointed out, though that basically summed things up.

“You didn’t have to,” Aria sighed, her full lips set into a tight line of anger. She was insulted. Of course, she was. Anyone would be, I guess. “You’re not making this easy, K-chan. Like, seriously not making this easy at all. “I know I’ve screwed up on some stuff and I’m sorry for it. I just want to be with you. It shouldn’t be this hard. Maybe all the things I’ve supposedly got going on is really just you being insecure and scared. Ever think of that?”

“Yes,” I snapped back. “Of course I think of that. Every time I get jealous or suspicious or whatever it is that’s the first thing, I think. You always have an explanation and it’s always a good one, but it still confuses and hurts me.”

“What about you, then?” Aria sniffed.

“What about me?” I demanded.

“You’ve got that little underclassman puppy sniffing around you all the time,” Aria’s eyes narrowed. “You’re making me work stupid hard just to get a smile from you and you keep waffling and say ‘Oh! I’m scared! Your ex blah blah Daishi blah blah phone call blah blah!” How’s that supposed to make me feel? Relationships are a two-way street, and it would be nice to be chased a little, too. Especially if, as you say, you love me, too. Throw me a bone, here. I won’t shoulder the blame for your weird homosexual self-guilt trip.” My eyes narrowed dangerously.

“It must be nice to be so fucking self-assured,” I growled. “It must be amazing to have everything so goddamn perfect you don’t have to be afraid of the fallout if people find out you’re gay. You must really not give a shit about anyone but yourself, Miss Perfection.” Ugh, I thought, shaking with anger and fear. What am I saying? How did things turn this way? Stop! I screamed at myself internally. Just don’t say anything else!

“What’s that supposed to mean. Kasumi?” Aria snarled. Don’t’ say anything else, Kasumi, I told myself. Just don’t speak and it’ll be fine. This can be papered over without too much permanent damage if you don’t apologize and don’t go any further.

“You’ve already been kicked out of an entire fucking country,” I ignored my own advice immediately, of course. “Less than a month ago, in fact. Shit, just in the amount of time you’ve been here you’ve nearly been beaten up for going to a coffee shop with someone else’s boyfriend and you still just saunter on like it’s expected I’ll risk fucking exile just to be with you without giving a single thought about the consequences. Well, here’s a little clue, princess, you might not give a fuck about anyone or anything else, but I actually don’t want to risk everything in my life over this without thinking things through.”

“Again, with the coffee shop mistake?” Aria threw her hands up in frustration. “It was a mistake! Jesus! Let it go! No one cares about that shit! It’s ancient history!”

“Didn’t Daishi basically drag you out of class today over that ancient history?” I scowled.

“What?” Aria seemed confused for a second before recovering. “Oh, the lunch thing. Yeah…well, I guess. Is everything I ever do going to be held against me? What about that puppy of yours?”

“Don’t bring Saki into this,” I warned her. “She’s got nothing to do with us.”

“Neither does Daishi and you keep throwing him or Sierra into every conversation,” she shot back.

“Who the fuck is Sierra?” I searched my memories trying to recall anything about someone named Sierra.

“My ex,” Aria shrugged. “I never told you her name, I guess, because she’s not important enough to worry about.”

“Huh,” I chuckled mirthlessly. “She’s important enough to get kicked out of a country for, but not important enough to worry about? It amazes me you can just relegate things to ancient history that easily. How soon will I be thrown onto that prehistoric trash pile, I wonder?”

“You know what?” Aria snarled, her pretty face contorted in frustration and anger. “How about now? How’s that? Would you like that? I mean, after all, you don’t seem to give a fuck about me. You’re so concerned about keeping your status quo and staying in your lane it’s disgusting! I’m the princess? Take a look at yourself, Kasumi. Seriously, take a good long hard look at yourself in the mirror before you say shit about anyone else. You say you love me but all I hear is a scared little girl who doesn’t have the guts to give us a chance so why don’t we just forget this whole fucking thing?” I lowered my head, closing my eyes tightly, fists clenched at my side. Don’t say anything, I warned myself, fear looming like a chasm in front of me. Just apologize. She’s not wrong! Just say ‘I’m sorry’ and put this behind you!

“Fine,” I whispered. The chasm loomed around me as I threw myself over the edge and was swallowed whole. Aria blinked, her face a mask of horror, anger, and fear.

“What?” She breathed.

“I’m a scared little girl like you said and I’m done.”

“Done? What?” The anger on Aria’s face drained away in a flood of horror.

“I refuse your confession and can’t return your feelings,” I mumbled. I picked my backpack up, turned on my heel, and walked away, tears streaming down my face, my fists clenched so tightly my fingernails carved grooves in the palm of my hand.

“Please don’t do this, K-chan!” Aria grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving. I shrugged out of her grasp and continued on toward home.

“Leave me alone from now on,” I couldn’t keep my voice from shaking as I left her standing alone on the stone bridge in the waning afternoon sun.