Chapter VII - Wherein is related Watanabe’s first conversation with a woman in another world.

Having had a good old time cracking open a mildly cold one with the boys, Watanabe returned to the captain’s tent as the sun retreated from the skies and the lord of the night, or lords as there were two moons for the author strived to seem original in their worldbuilding with such trifling details, returned to their throne in the night.

Watanabe would have normally preferred to greet the night while being as chemically inconvenienced as he could, but unfortunately the machinations of the unseen fiend Boris had let him only drink the little he got from the waterskin.

Yet, tonight, he was actually grateful that he was sober as a preacher. Things aren’t going as well as I thought. I need to come up with a plan to put me back on track, thought Watanabe as he entered the captain’s tent. There, he took a good look at the surroundings, finding a mess of various papers, a chair or two and a table. There was also a proper bed with a cloth mattress and a small mattress on the ground which was probably meant for Watanabe.

Well, bedding on the ground is basically like how I’d have slept at home, thought Watanabe who normally slept on the ground. His apartment room didn’t have enough space to house a bedroom, so he’d just use a futon on the ground to sleep. The handwoven linen of the mattress scratched and irritated Watanabe as he sat on it. Watanabe then assumed a proper pose for thinking, looking like a carbon copy of The Thinker.

Why is the plot not progressing, thought Watanabe and the author with great concern.

Yes, dear reader, I, the magnificent author, was thinking of why this plot had not been progressing. It is chapter 7, yet our hero has no grand goal to work towards. Our friend has been sticked many times, yet he has seen no carrot to run towards.

Similarly, you, the dear reader, have not been given an epic showdown to look forward to. While the author, to drag on this story and never finish it, would have never allowed Watanabe to face this great threat, the existence of a threat in itself is crucial to keep readers engaged.

Yet, however this isekai story is, it has come out as nothing but a farce. A comment that I received, “A funny light ripping into isekai and LitRPG genres.” is wrong in many dimensions, for nothing funny has happened yet in this lack-laughter story. For, you see dear reader and dear reviewer, comedy in literature shouldn’t and doesn’t derive from the deadpan. the absurd or the real. Comedy in literature should derive from the moments when the protagonist accidentally gropes someone, accidentally sees a disrobed woman or when the protagonist accidentally gets another harem member. Without a good sprinkling of the sensual a story becomes, as one fellow writer put it after reading my disappointing work, “The novel equivalent of farm animal slop.”

No, isekai and LitRPG are meant to be lacking in actual, proper comedy. An author is failing if they are making the reader genuinely laugh.

If you, the reader, are reading this story while having both of your hands free then I have failed on that front too. I have been writing this story the entire time with one hand free just in case our protagonist meets some women and has a lecherous incident. Believe me when say that I have been as disappointed as you are at Watanabe’s incompetence. Writing with one hand is hard when one of your hands is idle due to the lack of titillation in your story. I can only imagine the horrors of reading something without sensual content in it and I apologize, for I am the shameful author who has made you go through the torture of maidenlessness.

Yet, dear reader, hope has not abandoned us yet. All that is required for true, isekai-style comedy to take its rightful throne in this story is a female character. I have good news for you, as the author I can say this with certainty, this chapter shall contain at least one (1 [I {一}]) woman.

While the author was most sincerely and incessantly apologizing at their utter failure, Watanabe had come to a conclusion that’d help the plot hopefully get back on track. The first woman I speak to shall become the main female deuteragonist or, as it is known informally, the “main girl” of my story. Of course, I have committed a great error, and thought that the plot would progress without the main girl, thought Watanabe as he decided that he himself might need to cause an encounter to speed up progression.

Some of those who see themselves as being erudite might see our hero choosing to take action by himself as a hint of character progression. Some of you will say that character progression if good for a story. What those people forget is that they’re reading a power fantasy isekai LitRPG story and that character progression is again a failure on the part of the author, for character progression should only happen when a character levels up and gains a new skill. Also, if Watanabe stops being a loser on the inside, then he shall also stop being an audience self-insert.

A good protagonist is one who is all doom, gloom and edge no matter how good they’re having it in the world. A good protagonist should also reinforce the idea that being all doom and gloom is a healthy coping mechanism. A good protagonist should nail down the idea that empathy and compassion is for losers, for what we need more in this world are callous wretches.

The moment a protagonist loses these traits, is the moment that the protagonist stops being relatable and realistic in any way, shape or form.

As time was ticking while the author was oh-so kindly giving impromptu writing advice to the readers, Watanabe was slowly making his way into dreamland on the mattress. This would have given a way for the author to lead into a dream sequence or a flashback if Hans hadn’t suddenly stumbled in along with a woman helping him stand straight.

“Mihn Brasika!” exclaimed Hans in a language incomprehensible to Watanabe. “As meht deyz enschet miyet mihn zvielt?!” He quickly drew a sword from his scabbard and pointed it towards Watanabe while continuing to shout.

Watanabe noticed how Hans was stumbling and slurred in his speech, inferring that the man must be drunk. “Uhm… Nein? I am Watanabe, sir, not whatever it is that you are shouting about…” He stared at the women accompanying the captain, begging for them to help calm the man down.

“Wait, you are that Watanabe?” replied the woman. “Monsieur, the man isn’t an assassin.” she whispered, also repeating the message in the language that Hans had been shouting in.

Hans seemingly, if only slightly, sobered up after hearing that the man in front of him was his guest. “Watanabe, right… That man from Kneep-on or whatever…”

“That’s right, I am your honored Brassican guest from the far ea- far south!” replied Watanabe as he avoided death by Hans.

“Mmph… Sir Watanabe, you are quite alone for my honored guest, man…” added Hans as he turned to address the woman. “I’m a nice man, the nicest in Erzen and Pallenburg, and I won’t allow… I shouldn’t allow an honored guest to spend a night alone, right? You, entertain that fellow too, I’ll be paying for him…”

Watanabe wondered for a second what kind of entertainment he’d be getting, before receiving the answer…

Meanwhile, in some random office building in Japan:

“Hey, Tanaka, you heard about what happened to that guy next to you?” said Takahashi as he interrupted Tanaka during working hours.

“Aren’t you supposed to be fixing up that database right about now?” answered Tanaka.

“Yeah, I am.” replied Takahashi. “But I got a junior to do it for me, so I’m free right now.” said Takahashi. “Anyways, I heard some crazy rumors about that fellow.”

“I’d assume crazy rumors would follow after a guy disappears from work for two days. Anything you heard that’s out of the ordinary?” asked Tanaka.

“Oh, you’re not going to believe this.” began Takahashi. “But I got in touch with a friend from the police department yesterday, and he told me about how the missing person case was going.” Seeing he wasn’t interrupted by a snarky comment from Tanaka, Takahashi continued “Apparently, his landlord went to talk to him yesterday. That guy didn’t answer the door, so they got a locksmith to open the door. Guess what?”

“What?” answered Tanaka.

“The room was normal, except for the absence of that guy!” replied Takahashi.

“He’s missing, so him not being in his house would be normal.” pointed out Tanaka.

“Oh, be patient Tanaka. I’m only just getting to the good part.” continued Takahashi, “The landlord then called the police, who went to investigate camera footage from two days ago to find where he went. They found him going about his normal routine, until he disappeared from the footage!”

“Disappear? What does that mean?” asked a perturbed Tanaka.

“I said we’d be getting to the good part.” said Takahashi smugly. “I even got my good friend to send that part of the recording to me.” Takahashi took out his phone and opened a video, which he showed to Tanaka.

The video showed what happened in the first chapter of the story: Watanabe walked down the street, trying to answer his phone until he dodged a truck coming his way. Then, he kicked the bucket, fell head-first on to the pavement and suddenly disappeared.

“…Wait, no, that must be a glitch in the footage.” said an even more perturbed Tanaka as she saw a man suddenly disappear.

“Nope, they apparently examined such a possibility already. The footage is completely unedited and not glitched. They also got some eye witnesses who saw him fall and disappear.” replied Takahashi.

“No, this is completely absurd Takahashi, this must be some sort of joke!” said Tanaka in shock.

“I don’t think a joke like that could get the department in an uproar like my friend described it.” said Takahashi.

The cubicle went silent for a moment, before Tanaka broke the silence. “…You know what, I have work to do. Maybe you should go back to your job as well before someone notices.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Got better things to do other than worry about some guy in the office.” said Takahashi as he left Tanaka alone.

I still don’t remember his name, thought Tanaka as she gave up on thinking about Watanabe and instead focused on her work for the day.

Meanwhile, in some random tent not in Japan:

Watanabe and Hans were currently deep in the throes of passion.

“Lo and behold, the valorous knight-errant Lord Egilhard finally slaid the evil wizard with such ferocity never before seen on any continent. The skies lit up, and a beam of light shone upon his sword as he smote the fiend. With determination and dedication in his heart, dedication born from his heart to the fair lady Lucina of Trobyard, the evil wizard was instantly vanquished and the realm brought to ease.” concluded the woman as she ended reading from the book she had brought over.

This work has no warning for “sexual content” I wouldn’t and couldn’t just put in a scene where anyone is actually, ahem, engendering with any sort of passion. They were deep in the throes of passion for literature, and nothing else.

Did you actually expect Watanabe to lose his virginity in this chapter? Get your mind out of the gutter, for goodness’ sake. He’d stop being a self-insert if that really happened.

Anyways, getting back on track, Watanabe and Hans clapped as they heard the conclusion to the story. “Wonderful!” exclaimed Hans, “The saga of Egilhard is one which all good Brassicans should know!”

“I’d love to see that fight with the wizard adapted into animation!” added Watanabe.

“Adopted into animation, Sir Watanabe?” asked Hans and the woman.

“Um… That’s how they say ‘I hope to see this acted on theater’ in my country.” replied Watanabe.

“It’d be hard to find ways to convincingly get an actor to be a dragon.” replied the woman, “But I do plan on making a play out of it, if someone was to patronize it.”

“I’ll pay you one full cabbage, or more, if I can see a convincing dragon on the stage, Lady Rabanowicz.” answered Hans, who was sober and said this with a clear mind.

“I’ll just have to find someone dragon-like then.” replied Rabanowicz as she got up. “I’ll be off to earn my pay then, Sir Hans.”

Hans and Watanabe exchanged farewells with Rabanowicz who left the tent and disappeared off into the night.

“She may be a heathen like you once were Sir Watanabe, but I hope that you are not offended by me inviting her here.” said Hans as he watched Rabanowicz disappear. “That Rabanowicz is a lady whom writes the best of stories, and I couldn’t help but call her over tonight.”

“Oh, not at all, sir. You’ve really helped me tonight.” replied Watanabe.

Hans was confused at how he might have helped Watanabe but needing some urgent sleep, he chose not to question it and bid Watanabe a good night as he retreated to sleep.

Watanabe, while not showing it openly, was overjoyed. Finally, a named female character, and I didn’t even need wait for the next day to progress the plot by my own hands! The curse of maidenlessness has been finally broken! My harem is nigh, silently shouted Watanabe in his head. I might not have really seen how she looks due to the dark, but I’m sure she’s like, super-beautiful or something. Or as a Chinese author might describe it, she must be a jade beauty! Yes, a jade beauty, a main girl, a deuteragonist at last! Oh, what a blessed day it is, a blessed day in which the plot has progressed!

Watanabe jumped back under the mattress and soundly slept that night, dreaming of how his first harem member might be like.

By now, he had already given up on seeing that ghost lady from last night, and now had his sights set on someone who was comparatively much more corporeal.