Trains Are Cool

FFLLLLLLLRRRRRRRRRRRT!!!

That was the sound of a pterodactyl's mating call. Trust me, I'm a certified archaeologist.

A volcano erupted in the distance. Clouds of volcanic ash spelled out my name in the horizon.

K-a-t-a-k-i-r-a H-o-s-h-i-k-o.

You're probably confused right now. Don't worry, I am too.

Right now, I'm running from a tyrannosaurus rex all decked out with twin golden desert eagles and pimp-pink sunglasses.

"SIGN THESE INSURANCE PAPERS OR DIE."

Its voice was more warbly than my grandmother after puking out her dentures. Like, seriously. Who the hell even uses insurance in this day and age?

All this time, we've been taught that dinosaurs weren't capable of speech. That they were just mindless lizards with pea-sized brains.

Well, we were motherfuckin' right.

You wouldn't be an insurance agent if you had even a shred of intelligence, after all.

In 1972, the world's first insurance agency was established: Kjasdijitads's Insurance.

How did you pronounce that? I don't know. But anyway, that's not important. What is important is the fact that Kjasdijitads (the founder of Kjasdijitads's Insurance) created a precedent for the world.

Now, when you rammed your car into the tail-end of someone else's, you didn't have to pay anything. Instead, the insurance company would pay for you and the cost of your insurance would rise.

Now, why was this important?

It's simple. This asshole of a T-Rex insurance agent was driving a fucking convertible and nearly matching my pace at 69420 MPH. These legs move fast, bud.

But you know what's the worst part about all of this? All insurance companies are privately owned. And insurance is mandatory. I mean, who the hell was the one that allowed this shit?

Fuckin' hell, insurance companies are the sharks of the world. They're the true source of inflation.

Forget hell. The demons are already here on Earth, and they're livin' in the form of goddamn insurance agents.

I decided that I had enough. If this T-Rex really wanted me to buy his insurance bullshit, I was going to show him how delusional he was. The first step?

I was going to take away his ability to have sex.

Yeah, that's right. In the universe, there are several special abilities that are granted to individuals. These abilities are called "Rights" as they're pretty much that. Exclusive rights.

Mine was the ability to remove people's genitals at will. I was feared by all manner of creatures, from insects to mammals. Nothing could escape my wrath.

My hand grasps everything, reaches everything, crushes everything. It was the very epitome of CBT.

And I was going to leverage it right now on this goddamn insurance agent. There was just one problem: I didn't remember if Vtubers existed yet.

I mean, Vtubers were always something that existed. They began benign like most diseases, but soon mutated once they became far too saturated. Now, don't get me wrong. I love me a good Vtuber.

But sometimes, the market just gets so inundated that you don't even know what the fuck's going on anymore, right? It was the same with the streamer fad that happened in 2077. Way too many people trying to be streamers.

In short, it was cringe.

But now, the streamers are Vtubers. They're multiplyin', I tell ya.

Really, it was fine even if this dude hadn't watched a Vtuber yet. I mean, the year was 2002, one of the coolest times for all of humanity. They didn't even have smartphones yet or something.

I dunno.

Apparently, flying cars were supposed to exist in 2010, but that shit never happened. Catch me in 2427 and the best we've got are enormous spaceships. Still no flying cars.

Anyway, the dude was in a convertible sedan and it was grounded and definitely not flying, so I was sure I could take him even in a fistfight.

I quickly whirled around and shot a Moe Moe Kyun~! beam at him which caused him to swerve off course in an attempt to avoid it. Needless to say, it didn't work.

It was clear that you couldn't avoid a beam firing at the speed of light when you were moving at subliminal speeds. Someone didn't attend elementary school, and it sure as hell wasn't me.

Elementary was the only level of education that I attended, yo!

The car exploded and the T-Rex was swallowed into a gravitational anomaly, never to be seen again. Thus, this ended the Insurance Scam Era, commonly known as the Jurassic Park.

Huh. He did watch Vtubers after all. I guess.