Episode Eight

My head pounded as I grabbed it and tried to make sense of it. I’m not a man! I’m not a woman!! I probably was born as either or but that didn’t matter!! Chloe was one of the very few who understood that - something that even citizens of my own country couldn’t do without delving into my mind - so why would this demon try to make assumptions about me? I’m neither… I don’t want to identify myself as either… so why now? Why this demon?

I didn’t voice anything to Chloe but even as these thoughts ran through my mind millions of kilometers an hour, she cut through the silence.

“Why would this demon even come to you?”

All this rush of thinking made me tired so I just gave her a small nod. She had the wherewithal to not question what I am - non-binary. It means I don’t consider either masculine or feminine - it’s like… I don’t even consider that. I exist as I am. People confuse me for either male or female but I’m neither. At least for me, I see myself as someone who exists on their own without conforming to anything. And at least for me, I do get annoyed when people insist on a gender for me but generally, I’m happy with what I am. However, while I know I don’t have a gender to conform to, I don’t know where I belong in this world outside of that. That’s where my troubles start and end - where do I belong in this vast world? What contribution could I even make?

Chloe made a face - not at me, I imagine, but the situation I’m in. And that is the question - why did this demon even come to me? Someone must’ve sent it to me as a massive prank but how would someone even summon a succubus? I shook my head - I didn’t even want to know. The only person I knew offline was Chloe. The other people I knew where people I considered at some point were just online friends or people to talk to.

“I don’t know.”

That was the only phrase to escape my lips. Tired, afraid, and just a mixture of other emotions, I didn’t know what else to say. I slumped in my seat while Chloe continued to search Google through her phone. I looked back up at the night sky and I could feel myself crying.

I resolved this on my own years ago. Why did a succubus have to come to me?

“Hm, Google says nothing about a succubus hiding as a body pillow… but they are shapeshifters so it’s possible that’s what’s going on.”

I brought my knees to my face. If this is a succubus sent by someone or something, then how embarrassing it is to have a demon actually shapeshift into a body pillow in order to seduce me.

I stood up and groaned. Chloe looked at me with worry and immediately put the phone down. “What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?” I put my hands through my hair and moved all over the place. I closed my eyes as I reimagined everything that transpired. Did that succubus really mean to come and seduce me and take my life force? Or whatever it is that succubus do to men?

God, the word ‘men’ sickened me - not because I disliked men but there’s an entity who thinks I, in particular, am a man. I’m not a man. I’m not a woman. I don’t want to remember what I was born as - that’s not who I was back then!! I’m not a man! I’m not a woman!! I’m neither!!

I grew frustrated, I didn’t realize when Chloe grabbed my arms and tried to calm me down. Her bright brown eyes and her sweet voice, saying something I couldn’t understand - or wouldn’t understand. But I found myself out of breath, heated, angry, emotional, but mostly frustrated.

“It’s okay,” I could finally understand her a little bit. “Demons aren’t known to be kind or gentle or understanding about this sort of thing. Just...just calm down…”

Her voice was incredibly calming… No, this feeling I have for Chloe isn’t love. It couldn’t be love. If it was love, then that succubus would’ve taken her form but it took the form of a body pillow. Seeing Chloe in this way made me wonder if the feelings I have towards her was a deep friendship. Was it friendship? Did I deserve friendship with her after all this time? Even after all the times I hid from her… my art, this demon… my feelings...

She repeated herself over and over until I finally calmed down.

“I’m sorry.” I finally said. “I’m sorry I’m dragging you into my problems… That’s all I’m good for - dragging others in my problems.” I moved my arms out of her grasp and got up. I started walking home.

She didn’t say anything to me as I left.

I always had to depend on someone to get me out of trouble, didn’t I? I have to depend on my parents for rent, bills, and allowance. Chloe says she wants me to depend on her for food and cooking and other expenses - but that’s still depending on someone. The only thing I’m good for is to stay in my room and do house chores. Chloe did say that’s the deal we came up with but I still have to depend on her. That money in my account isn’t my own. I haven’t properly drawn in months, maybe longer. My talent dried up, it feels like.

And then, I have nothing to offer except to a stupid succubus who thinks I’m a man. And that’s the most insulting part to me - and I feel guilty about that. That’s the thing that makes me want to change? Not the overdependence on others but because a stupid demon wanted my life force.

How low was I actually on the totem pole? Didn’t demons have better things to do than to attack someone like me? I’m already on the lowest of the low - depending on others… but that may have been why they targeted me. Maybe it’s because they knew I’m like this… that’s why they targeted me. Maybe an incubus isn’t as strong as a succubus and to them, it didn’t matter how - they just wanted my life force.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to draw again. It gives me a headache about how my anxiety and depression looped my hope and despair together. I always thought about the two at the same time… and it’s probably feeding into that stupid demon!! It makes me so angry that to think I could depend on others for this!!

This is my problem!!

I would’ve curled my hands into a fist when I realized I stopped walking… and when I felt someone hold my hand.

It shocked me so much that I turned around and saw Chloe, still smiling. Still bright.

“You’re not dragging your problems to me. That demon came to our apartment, right? It’s our problem. I’m glad you told me. Now I know what’s going on with you. I’m glad we could talk and bond a little. I never thought I would be Chloe, the demon hunter! But that’s life for you - always taking you places when you least expect it with close friends.”

“How can you be so cheerful? The demon attacked me. It’s trying to take my life force! It can hurt you! This isn’t a game!!!”

She squeezed my hand tighter and even more so when I tried to get out of her grasp.

“I’m scared. I’m terrified. A demon is hurting my friend, my roommate!” I nearly gasped when she called me her friend. “I don’t want this demon to hurt them anymore!! I care about you a lot… You’re my precious friend on this huge island and probably my closest. The people I hang out with are all from work and their friends. I’m not that close to them at all!!

“Look, I know we can get rid of this demon. We will get rid of this demon. We have to. It’s hurting my precious friend and I won’t stand for it even though I’m terrified!! So, if you feel guilty of depending on me so much, please don’t! I’m very happy you are! Back at home, I always had to depend on others too - coming to Japan was a big step for me and my career. I’m glad I made that choice and I’m glad I met you.

“Let’s stop being sad and let’s go defeat a demon!!”

.x.

For the rest of the way home, we devised a plan - since it was luckily a Sunday the next day, Chloe had the day off. We decided to visit a local shrine to maybe find some tricks to an exorcism at home. That’s the best we could come up with for now…

Instead of sleeping in my room that night, I opted to sleep outside in the living area. She let me borrow a pillow and a blanket - which is not surprising that she had extremely feminine designs on them - and while it was uncomfortable, it was a lot better than how I slept before - even after two days.

I couldn’t go to my room. My phone was stuck in there, an innocent piece of plastic, so I couldn’t even browse my phone. Although Chloe did offer me her tablet, I declined. I didn’t want to take anything else but that talk earlier made me think and my feelings still lingered but I also felt a weird sense of inspiration to do better. Could I do better? Is it too late for me to do better?

And then I think about my art.

Is it too late to pick it up again?

I always see messages of ‘it’s never too late!’ but sometimes it is too late. I’ve been depressed and anxious about my abilities for a long time. Would anyone look at it? Would anyone bother with it? Am I skilled enough for others to notice? If the famous image of two cakes were true - a beautiful cake and another person bringing in another one, but smaller looks disappointed as they see the beautiful cake… and then someone comes in and sees two cakes and is extra happy… is that how others see my art?

I can’t get passed it. How could Chloe?

However, my brain was exhausted from everything. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore… I thought about turning on the TV and keeping it at a low volume but… Ah, I’m just so tired…

I just want to create my own art.

To Be Continued…