Let's Make a Promise...

“I think we should lay down some ground rules for our marriage, don’t you? Since it’s not your usual union after all.”

Cam’s eyes went wide as I sat down on the couch cushion closest to the armchair he was sitting in. The wedding was due to happen in two days. The last three days had been a whirlwind – between getting used to my new living arrangements, ghosting my previous life, opening a joint bank account, buying our wedding bands, and getting the marriage license, I hadn’t had one true moment to breathe. Despite the whirlwind, the reality of my new reality began to sink in.

Ours would be a marriage of convenience. There was no other way to look at it. I agreed to marry him to escape from my circumstances. He was marrying me to help with that. Our marriage might not be the usual one motivated by love, but it would still be a marriage. And we needed to figure out what we needed to do to make that work. At least, that’s what was my thought process.

“Hearing you say that we need rules for our marriage was not on my bingo card for this evening.” Cam stretched out his arms, arching his back in his chair. “What brought this on?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days…” My voice trailed. That familiar feeling of terror and apprehension made its way up my spine. Over and over, I reminded myself that this was Cam, not my mother. He wouldn’t attack me for having an opinion, much less voicing it. I didn’t need to worry. And yet, I still worried. “Marriage is a really big step for anybody and it shouldn’t be taken lightly.”

“I agree. But I get the feeling that there’s a lot that still worries you.”

Sir, this is ME we’re talking about here. I am a walking, talking ball of anxiety with curly 3C hair. “I guess I’m wondering how this is going to work. You and me – married, doing married people stuff. Well, not all married people stuff.”

Cam scoffed, probably annoyed that I took away an opportunity for him to get a dig in. “Sounds about right. Including the part where we don’t do all the things married people do. Unfortunately.”

I should have never underestimated him. “Unfortunately.”

“Are you having doubts about us getting married?” There was no hint of hurt or anger when he asked me that. But that didn’t stop me from fearing that I’d offended him. “I know we’re doing this at breakneck speed. It’s like I’m robbing you of the opportunity to have second thoughts.”

“I don’t mind that we’re getting married so fast.” I was telling the truth. I was coming to terms with the marriage. It was what came after that puzzled me. “But to be honest, I don’t know much about marriage, let alone the formula for a happy one.”

Cam scoffed. "And I do?"

“You know what I mean. My mom was married to my father but that was a shotgun wedding and they divorced months after I was born. Since then, it's been a revolving door of "stepdads" coming and going, one after another. My mother is a serial dater who has no desire to settle down. And my dad…well, I don’t know what he’s doing. All I know is that he paid child support, but I didn’t see much of that money.”

Cam shook his head. “You know, the more I hear about your mother, the more I feel like some people shouldn’t be parents.”

“Yep.” I wouldn’t be on this planet without her, but I also didn’t ask to be here. It was the duality of being the daughter of a crappy parent.

“What about your grandparents? Your aunts and uncles? Their marriages.”

“I wouldn’t know really. My mother sheltered me from the rest of my family growing up. Like, we’d visit for holidays or whatever, but she spent that time complaining about raising me. All I know is that one of my aunts is married to a man she hates, another aunt married for money, and my grandparents have been married for fifty years when it should have ended forty-nine-and-a-half years back."

“Yikes.” Cam sighed, stretching out his legs as he threaded his fingers together, putting them on the back of his head. “Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m don’t know much about marriage either.”

“What?” I sat straight up, stunned. I wasn’t not expecting to hear that. “Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“But I thought…” I paused. “Wait...you’ve never really talked about your family with me, have you?.”

“I...don’t really know how to describe my family,” he replied with a nervous laugh. “My parents were married, they had my older brother, and then they had me. But dad died when I was three. He got into a car accident on a business trip. Dead on arrival.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. It happened so long ago. I don’t have a lot of memories of him, unlike my brother. But my mom always told me that they had a good marriage. A great one if you ask her. She doesn’t like to talk about it, but I know his death hurt her. But she had to stay strong for us. We were all she had. She didn’t want us to be without her.”

My hand hovered over my chest. My heart tight with sorrow. It must be nice, having a mom who actually cares about your well-being.

“My mom used to tell me stories about my dad all the time. They were really in love and fought to be together because my grandfather didn’t approve of her. She wasn’t from a ‘proper’ family, blah blah blah. But my dad didn’t care about that stuff. He just wanted to be with someone he loved and he loved her. Granddad didn’t like that, but he got over it. They were happy and in love and that was all that mattered to them. But I never got to see it for myself. All I have are pictures and my mother’s loving memories.”

Cam let out a nervous chuckle, scratching the back of his head. “We’re…not all that close. I mean, the only person I’m close to is my mom, but she moved to Washington last year to take care of her ailing sister. My brother has his own family, and he works for the family business. My grandfather checks on me from time to time, but that’s all. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re both going in blind here.”

“Well, that’s reassuring.” I didn’t even try to hide my sarcasm. No wonder he didn’t like talking abou this family. The clear love he had for his mother made his situation marginally better than mine. “A marriage of convenience where both parties are conveniently clueless to the inner workers of a good marriage. We’re doomed.”

“No, we’re not,” Cam replied, waving off my gloom and doom. “We’re sitting here, talking about it. That counts for something, right?”

“I don’t know, maybe? That’s why I think we need rules or guidelines or something.”

“You sound very academic,” Cam commented with a chuckle. “You were the same way back in our French class in college. You’d ask the prof to break down all the lessons and assignments so you wouldn’t misunderstand anything. No wonder you aced that class.”

“There’s nothing wrong with getting clarification. But I don’t think an A+ in French is going to guarantee me a successful partnership.”

“Are you sure? If you speak random phrases in French, it wouldn’t hurt.” Cam rose from the armchair, making his way around the coffee table. As he moved to sit beside me, I drew in a slow, quiet exhale. If I closed my eyes and shut out all the other sounds, I would hear my blood rushing to the rhythm of my furious heartbeat. If Cam focused, he might be able to hear as well. I willed myself to stay calm, reminded myself that this was my reality, and that Cam would be doing this more often. But it did nothing to ease my anxiety. Did he have to sit so close to me? “If it’s any consolation, I don’t think you have to worry. I’m sure our marriage will be just fine.”

I swallowed down the anxiousness before speaking. “How do you figure?”

“Because we’re good friends and we do what good friends do. We communicate, we support each other when we really need it, and we’re honest with one another. Our friendship is genuine, Nonon. If we can continue to go on as we’ve gone on while married, we shouldn’t be fine. And isn’t that what everyone wants in a marriage? Trust, communication, and honesty?"

“Yeah, I guess that tracks.”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

I wasn’t, but I didn’t need to say that out loud. “I guess I’m just worried that I’m going fail you somehow.”

“You don’t have to worry about that either because I know you won’t.”

“You say that now, Cam, but what about down the line?" I stopped to take a deep breath and get my head together. The words I wanted to say didn’t seem to want to come out. If I was somehow going to say the right combination, I needed to stay calm. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know there might come a day when we decide that this marriage no longer works for us. But until then, I want to do my best to make this marriage – or whatever it is that we have – work for the two of us.”

“That’s what I want as well.” Cam reached over and took my hand into his. The warm smoothness of his palm and the sweetness of his eyes felt comforting to me, something I needed during this tense conversation. “I’m serious about looking after you and making sure you have a good life.”

“See, when you say that, you make me feel like I’ll be more of a pet than a partner.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. But I do give warm head pats on request.”

“Good to know.” Not going to lie, as weird as that sounded, I wouldn’t mind having one of those. For curiosity’s sake, of course. “Cam, I want to be your partner, your friend. I want to help you as much as you have helped me. I want to be someone you can count on, someone you know wants nothing but the best for you. Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. The best for you.”

Cam looked down, bashful at my words. “You’re so sweet, Nicola.”

“I can’t help it. You’re an amazing man, and an amazing friend. I still can’t believe that you’re willing to do all of this just for me. I don’t know how if I am going to do right by you, but please know that I will try.”

“Nonon, this entire conversation just proves why I am happy to marry you,” Cam replied with a smile, squeezing my hand. “I get that you’re nervous about everything and yet you still want to make this work.”

“Of course, I want to make this work. You mean a lot to me, Cam. You’ve done so much for me and I know I haven’t done enough to return the favor. I just don’t want you to think that I’m selfish or ungrateful.”

“It’s you, Nonon. There is no way you could ever be any of those things. If you did, you’d be a spectacular failure.” Cam squeezed my hand gently and I couldn’t help but smile a little. It comforted me to know that we were both clueless about lasting relationships and that we were on the same page about this marriage. I no longer felt isolated in my worry. “I get what you’re trying to say though. We’re not the usual lovey-dovey couple heading to the altar, nor have I knocked you up and now, we’re getting a shotgun wedding. You’re my friend, Nicola – my person. You are kind, you’re understanding, and you’re genuine. And genuine people are hard to find in this world. If I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone, I’d rather it be with someone that I know will always have my best interests at heart.”

Cam embraced me, the warmth of his body pouring into mine as I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder as I eased into the hug. Contentment…in the past, it never came easy. Only through my visits to the Peacetree Motel and spending time with Cam the few times that we could meet did I feel it. But now, things were different. There was still so much I was uncertain about. Would this marriage last? What would happen if one of us fell in love with another person? What if we grew to hate each other? There were so many questions swirling in my head.

Could we be happy together? Really happy?

Was I making a mistake, jumping into this marriage?

Was I jumping from one fire into another?

I didn’t know, but one thing was for certain. I’d never wanted so much to try my best at anything in my life. In two days, Cam would be my husband and I would be his wife. That was a big deal to me. I wanted to do right by him by being a supportive and honest partner he could count on. The partner he deserved. I figured that if I could do then everything else would fall into place somehow.

Only time would tell.