Not About You

She stayed a step or two in front of me, to the point where I struggled to keep pace. Students in her path cleared out as she barreled down the hall, while I would then need to weave my way through them. We slowed down as the Teacher’s Room neared, then came to a stop at the door.

“I was just going to see Nakamura Sensei,” she said. “You don’t have to follow me.”

“…I thought we could walk home together.”

“I doubt we live in the same place.”

“I’d still like to walk with you… for a while, at least.”

Evi reached for the door.

“Y’know, when I asked if you could talk to her about being our club advisor I didn’t mean you had to do it right now,” I joked.

Her fingers rested on the handle.

“Since today was my first day, she wanted to have me check in after. To help me adjust, I think. No big deal.”

“I thought things were going okay.”

“Thanks.”

Her downcast expression held a certain… uncertainty… to it. The way her right hand tapped against her side didn’t seem calm either. To me, at least.

“A-are you feeling alright?”

“What?”

“Well, um, you seem a bit down, is all.”

“…Do I?”

“Um. Yeah.”

Evi’s hair fell over her eyes as her neck slumped forward. Her left horn nearly scraped the front of the door.

“…I’ll be out in a minute. Do you mind waiting?”

“That’s fine.”

“Cool.” Her eyes were still out of sight.

But the beginnings of a smile had crept onto her face.

“Thanks,” she said, before leaving the hallway to cross into a room full of harried teachers and loosely organized papers.

I stood with my back to the wall.

And waited.

I ‘ve never really liked standing out in the open. It wasn’t restlessness, so much as the desire to avoid notice. I suppose, not unlike a prey animal in the wild, I might have preferred some form of camouflage. Some might call that paranoia, but I’m not sure if it counts since I used to have good reason for it. And besides, it can still be helpful. I pretty much always know where the exits are.

Thankfully, it didn’t take too long for Evi to return. Right as the pressure of other people’s eyes (imagined or otherwise) began to feel a bit too strong, I heard the metallic click of the door reopening as she stepped out into the hall.

“Lead the way.” She waved a hand carelessly.

“O-okay.”

Her stride had relaxed, and I found myself able to walk more comfortably. Evi’s arms swung lightly with each step. She seemed in better spirits than before.

“So how’d it go? If you don’t mind me asking?”

“Good, I think.”

I didn’t want to ruin it.

“That’s good to hear.”

“Mhmm,” she hummed in agreement.

I didn’t want to push things.

“…So, you’re okay, right?”

“Yeah.”

But I did.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m sure.” Slight aggravation.

“It’s just that…”

“Just what?” More than slight aggravation.

“…I just want you to be okay.” I searched for the right thing to say. “I wanted to make sure I didn’t do anything to upset you.”

“Why would you think that?” Her words escaped in one large breath. “You didn’t do anything. This, right now, is the most upsetting thing you’ve done. And even then, this is basically nothing.” She was trying to keep her tone light.

I pressed on.

“Earlier. When we met Kusumoto-san.” I stopped walking. “You grabbed my arm. And I flinched.”

She stopped.

“A-and since then, you’ve seemed a little tense. So, um… I’m sorry.”

“You’re really overthinking this.” She lolled her head to the side.

I wilted.

“Y-yeah... Yeah that makes sense. I guess.”

We started walking again. In silence now. Eventually we retrieved our shoes and parted through the main doors. Heading straight down the path passing clusters of other students, we reached a crossroads.

“I-I’m heading that way.” I pointed to the right.

“Oh. Well. See you tomorrow then.”

“…Yeah.” I lingered for a moment. Staring at my feet. Then began to walk away. Hoping desperately that things might be better tomorrow.

“Wait,” she called out. Not a yell. Not a shout. Not a whisper.

I turned around.

“…It’s not about you.” She was looking at the grass beside us, running her right hand over her left arm as it clutched at her bag.

“I’m sorry?” I asked.

“Back then. When you pulled away from me. It just reminded me of some stuff.”

“N-no, no, it’s my fault. I didn’t react like that because of you either. Not specifically, I mean. I would have flinched if anyone touched me.” I tried to lighten the mood. “Honestly, at any given moment I’m basically three insults away from bursting into tears. I’m a mess, really.”

Evi smiled sadly. Her voice was measured.

“Still. I shouldn’t have grabbed you. I need to be careful about certain things. Sometimes I forget. That’s all.”

She turned to leave. Before I could process what she meant, I interrupted myself, instead racking my brain to try and come up with something to make her stay. To prolong our talk even a little bit more.

“So did you ask Sensei about the club?” I cringed as soon as I said it. She clearly felt bad. I needed to help. Why would I make this so transactional?

“Hah. Uh, no,” she scoffed. Evi turned back. “Aren’t there any other clubs you’re interested in? Tea ceremony, maybe?”

Oh. Okay. She seemed to respond well enough.

I doubled down.

“Do I seem like the kind of person who gets a lot of offers?”

“Shouldn’t you be choosing a club based on what you’re interested in?” she shot back.

“I’m interested,” I answered firmly. “And, I mean… it would be nice to have more friends,” I continued not so firmly, “…I’m not really used to having friends, but I think I like the idea.”

"..."

"..."

Evi looked up at the sky.

“Hey, Rin?”

“Yeah?”

“Last night you asked me if I liked you… Right?”

“Yeah.” I blushed.

She brought her head down to meet mine.

“Rin. Do you actually like me? Or are you just scared of being alone?

For a moment, the air caught in my throat.

My brain raced to think of the right thing to say.

Honesty. Honesty. Honestly? Honesty.

What do I honestly think?

How do I honestly feel?

Real. Genuine. True.

Though it was only an instant, I could see sadness in those beautiful red eyes.

I wondered if it was always there.

I hoped it wasn't.

I met her gaze head on.

“…Both. I’m scared of being alone and I really, really like you.”