Sunday, 4/21/2216

 “S-shouldn’t it be brown?” I asked.

“If it’s shit.” K replied.

I had spent the weekend dead, rousing myself only when Seitaro checked in on me. He brought me food and drinks and would talk to me about this and that before heading out. It was excruciating.

When he finally left me alone, I would collapse in my bed and do nothing. Ami tried her best for which… you know what? God bless her. The Non-Disclosure Program prevented me from telling her what happened, but she knew something was wrong and did her absolute best to cheer me up. It wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. I just wanted to load shock and forget about it all, but Seitaro had hired me as a government employee and told me over and over that shock would lead to a permanent suspension. Even so, I wanted it. I wanted it so bad I could hardly think about Ontivia and ChingWei. When I did think about them, my brain only tried to leverage that sadness to convince me to load up.

“T-they were all using m-me Ami.”

“I know honey, I know.” She said sweetly.

I love Ami. Still, she wouldn’t be enough to get me through this. She reminded me to call my mom, but I couldn’t be bothered. She reminded me to eat but I couldn’t be bothered for that either.

There was, however, an idea that had been gaining traction inside of me. It started as a memory of shock as I was fiending and slowly snowballed until it matched my desire for shock. I gave in. I couldn’t help it. I beeped Blaze.

“Hey Kriss, 20 gigs?” she asked when she showed up, pulling a fresh drive out of her shoulder bag.

“Uhhh, n-no. I mean, yeah, I already p-paid for it, I’ll take it but…” I laughed nervously. She didn’t join in.

“So… what’s good?” she asked, raising her eyebrow again.

“I uh, actually, can I try some of what you have?”

She slowly lowered that terrifying eyebrow.

“Smack?”

I pulled up an ancient list of slang for physical drugs to confirm.

“H-heroin. Yes.” I responded, hoping to sound confident. She half smiled.

“You’re fucking weird,” she says dismissively, “do you have physical credits?”

“Yeah, hold up, how much?”

“Throw me 80.”

I picked up the little plastic card off the desk and pressed my finger into it. A pop up screen appears and I entered $$80. Transfer successful. I handed it to her. She shrugged and threw it into her shoulder bag.

She pulls out a small blue capsule and a syringe. That’s not how it was in the old movies.

“What’s t-that for?”

She smiled and licked her teeth.

“You’re the oldest guy I’ve seen want to try this.”

“I’m n-not that old.” I lied.

“It cooks the dope, infuses water, citric acid. Keeps it clean.” She pulled a black loop of chord out of her bag. “You’ll want to sit down.”

I sat in my work chair. She slid the loop around my left arm until it was about halfway between my shoulder and elbow. She let go and it immediately tightened, cutting off circulation. She pushed the needle of the syringe into a point in the capsule, she pulled back and clear fluid came out. I asked my stupid question.

“S-shouldn’t it be brown?”

“If it’s shit.” She replied

I took a deep breath and exhaled. She crouched beside me, pressing fingers into my skin to find a solid vein. I took another deep breath, taking as long as I needed to get the most oxygen possible. She noticed and laughed. I tried to ignore her and keep breathing. Suddenly she had her hand on my bicep, sliding the needle into the biggest vein in the crook of my arm. She pulled the plunger back a bit and I saw my blood mix with the liquid inside. She pushed down with her thumb and I felt it slide into the vein, still hot, uncomfortable, but not unpleasant. She grabbed the loop, which immediately released my arm.

“See if you’re still human enough for this,” she said.

Then, bliss.

I leaned back in my chair. Waves of intense euphoria began racking my body. I closed my eyes and opened them again. My workroom felt a little brighter. I felt safe. I felt warm. I felt content for the first time in so long, but it was more than that. It was the deepest most intense contentment I’ve ever felt. I felt protected, not invincible, just safe and relaxed. I was surprisingly satisfied and maybe even… happy. I needed to thank her.

“I’mmm…” I began but couldn’t get it out. She smiled, she knew the deal. I smiled back. A big, dumb happy smile. She leaned in until she was inches away from my left ear.

“You’re free.” She whispered. Then she got up, slung her bag over her shoulder and walked out, leaving the blue capsule on my table. I stayed smiling. Just sitting in my chair, rocking side to side, smiling.

. . .

I woke up smiling. Back in my bed, somehow. I sat up. A message popped up in my vision.

EarthGov: Narcotics detected in your system. Would you like to seek treatment?

Select no.

Thank you for your time.

Ha! They really didn’t care. That’s good. 200 years ago that could’ve ruined my life. Then another message popped up.

EarthGov: Thank you for your testimony. We value your assistance.

“Ami!” I yelled, “Hey Ami!”

“What!?” She yelled back.

“Do we have any more of those coffee cookies?” I asked.

She smiled “Yep, I’ll make some coffee to go with them!”

“Thanks, and turn the cat ears back on!” I yelled after her as she floated to the kitchen.