Chapter 34:

The Night / 夜

Transgression

It was dark outside. An unusually wintry, grim, dark blue night. From afar, I could get a glimpse of the Moon's full splendor, sketching a pale smile to any who wandered the metropolis at this time.

The wind shook the air with its freezing yet gentle touch. I directed some of my own hot breath towards my cold bare hands.

As I slowly walked down the seemingly empty streets of Fukuoka, I remembered my parents' words from a week ago, “We'll always support you, no matter what, if that's what makes you happy”. Happy? I've given up on that a long time ago. I stopped living in blissful ignorance a long time ago. My world turned grey a long time ago. Discovering yourself is a journey, and just like everything else in life, it comes with its own set of consequences. I couldn't remain ignorant forever, so what happened years ago was merely a matter of time. They all went through it too—Natsuko, Naoto, Kimura, Yokoyama. They all overcame it. But, I didn't.

I envy their colorful lives. I really, really, really do. I always did. I simply pretended that didn't bother me, as their colorful lives gave some variation to my otherwise grey life. Being near them was enough, being close to her was enough. But, what do you do when your grey turns black? When all the vivid colors fail to phase through your pitch dark existence? When the tunnel's exit starts fading away?

Well… it's not like these past months were fully devoid of happiness. It'd be quite the hypocritical thing to say. I made new friends and strengthened the bonds I already had. I fell in love and confessed. More than anything, I had fun.

“So, why… did things have to end up like this?”, I wondered, shedding a couple of tears.

What do you do when someone sets a countdown on your life? You live it to the fullest, you pay no attention to money and consequences, for what comes after the initial bang is the little hysteria outbreak that consumes you—travelling the world, meeting your idols, skipping work or school. All to get the most out of it. It’s only then, after doing all that, that you finally realize—those things you always took for granted are now eluding your grasp. What mattered most was always next to you. Inside yourself.

I've only got one year left to live. One day left to make a decision. The choice of a lifetime. Live a year of a grey, almost black life or a month of a colorful one. Well, to be fair, it wouldn't really be a year or a month, as I'd be eventually hospitalized and live my last days there. Nevertheless, they’d still be there. Surrounding me until the staff forced them to leave, until they weren’t allowed to anymore. That’s right… I am lucky. In spite of everything, I consider myself lucky. For having the parents some never had. For having the friends some never had. For having the lover some never had. To live by their side. To have them by my side. Forever. Until the day it all ends.

At first, I thought it was okay to reduce my already feeble life expectancy to mere weeks, to disregard the opinions of those close to me, not realizing how selfish that was. Knowing someone so dear to you, someone you love so much has a year, or even worse, a month left to live is shocking. It catches you off-guard and reminds you how cruel and unforgiving life can be. You’ll want them to live for as long as physically possible. And I can’t blame any of you for it. Without our disagreements, I never could have achieved peace with my decision. Seeing your faces, I couldn’t move forward. But you were never trying to stop me, to force your opinions on me. No. You wanted me to be able to look you in the eyes and tell you this was what I desired. You wanted me to make a choice I wouldn’t regret.

I get it all now.

Puberty may have passed, but this won’t. And I’m glad it won’t. I don’t want it to.

I love who I am.

I refuse to yield.

Cancer? Depression? Death?

I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. I will live the way I want. With no regrets.

To all of you, Thank You.

I… can finally say it.

I faced the skies and breathed in.

“I…! I CHOOSE TO LIVE A COLORFUL LIFE!”, I shouted my heart out. I shouted as loud as I could. Huffing and puffing, I looked around. Some people nearby gave me awkward stares, but I didn’t mind it.

“What am I even doing?”, I acknowledged, laughing at the ridiculousness of what I had just done. I wasn’t even minimally embarrassed. Because it felt great.

I recalled why I left the comfort of home in the first place.

“Well, I should get going. I still have to buy groceries, they won’t appear out of thin air.”

Within a minute of walking, I sighted a storefront, standing out among the rest of the street, with its lights on, indicating it was open. I entered the convenience store and began looking for apples, following my mother’s shopping list to the letter, later heading to the checkout line. To my surprise, I spotted a familiar face at the counter. She waved at me.

When my turn came, she greeted me, still as outspoken and extroverted as ever, “Oh, Ishida, didn’t expect to see you!”

“Likewise.”

“What brings you here?”, she asked, continuing to check the products with a barcode reader.

“The usual. I was tasked with buying groceries.”

“I see. We can talk more outside, I’m about to finish my shift.”

She changed into a more formal attitude, “Anyway, is that all?”

“Yes.”

“That’ll be 1730 yen.”

Sometime later, when she had changed back to her normal outside wear, we carried on with our conversation in the street. She decided to accompany me home.

“I didn’t know you still worked here at this time of day. Didn’t your shift end at 8 PM on Saturdays?”

“Ah, sorry, we didn’t tell you.”

“We?”

“Yes. Yoko-chan and I are trying to get into Kyoto University. We’ve both been doing extra hours lately so we can get enough money to rent a place for us there.”

“Ohhh, that’s amazing.”

“Right? We promised to go to the same university.”

“That’s nice. Naoto’s aiming for that one as well.”

“I’m sure that’ll be a piece of cake for him,” she giggled.

“Right?”, I laughed along.

“What about Natsuko?”

“She hasn’t decided yet.”

“Ah, okay.”

Everything’s moving so fast. Soon, they’ll all no longer be high schoolers. And all I can do is watch. But, it’s fine. I’ve made peace with my fate.

“Good luck, Kimura.”

“Thanks. By the way, do you want me to relay any more ‘good luck’ to any of your friends?”

“No, I can do that myself.”

“Alright.”

Following a brief pause, she switched topics to something more serious.

“Ishida?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you… moving forward with it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Can you please let the others know?"

“Sure, consider it done!”

I had known her for too long now to realize that cheery attitude of hers was hiding something else beneath.

“Kimura.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“Are you truly okay with it?”

“Of course not, idiot. Who in their right mind would be fine with seeing their friend in a situation like this? You asked me to be honest. Well, here’s your answer,” she rose her voice, “I'm unimaginably furious. I'm sad. But I'm also glad you chose to live your life to the fullest, refusing to yield to reality. And I absolutely cannot wait to see you. The real you,” she smiled.

“Something tells me the Ishida I knew a year ago would've never had the courage to do it. And that annoys me to no end. However, you changed. For the better. Still, I just can't get this thought out of my head… what if you turn out cuter than any of us? Aaahhhh, the possibilities!”

I don't even want to attempt piecing together what was going through her mind right now. It's better if I don't.

“I always wanted to have someone I could use to try all sorts of clothing on! But Yoko-chan always runs away and big sis is never available… can I, can I?”

“Yes, I promise.”

Oh god, what have I gotten myself into.

“Really?”, she stopped walking and got closer to me.

“Y-E-S.”

We resumed our walk.

“Yaayyy!!! I already have a few places in mind, but I should consult Yoko-chan first. Not to mention your girlfriend… I wouldn’t want to imagine what she’d do to me if I went too far.”

“Just what image do you have of her in that thick head of yours?”

“Overprotective?”

“Is your brain on autopilot whenever you’re with her?”

“Depends on how you define autopilot.”

I sighed.

“You know, the quietest ones are usually the most dangerous ones.”

“She’s not quiet at all! Did your mind get frozen in place?”

“Am I mistaken?”

“Thoroughly mistaken.”

“Ah, sorry. I was confusing her with one of your science club members, the red-haired one.”

“Nishimura?”

“Exactly!”

“You’re forgiven.”

Can’t say the same about Natsuko though.

“Anyway, going back to what I was saying… Ah! I’m going to ask for their advice! Hairdresser, clothing stores, there’s so much to do… we could even take you to a wedding dress store and tell them you're getting married!”

“Indeed. I'll let you fantasize to your heart's content.”

A dozen steps later, by my signal, our little night walk came to a stop.

“This is it.”

“Oh, so this is your house.”

“Did you have a different idea of it in your head?"

“Ah, no. It's just very similar to mine.”

“Yeah. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have someplace to be.”

“Hehe… is that what I think it is?”, she turned to me sporting a smirk I had seen too many times already.

“I was referring to my bed.”

“Lame.”

“Where the heck did you think I was heading to?”

“Never mind!”