Chapter XXV – Where the identity of a certain mysterious figure is revealed for all to see.

Rabanowicz beat Watanabe to the punch (though Watanabe had beaten her before in eating the punch) by asking the first question to this oh-so mysterious ghost-woman:

“Yes, first question: Why do you have this fashionable duck with you?”

…I would have and do have many other questions to ask. But sure, let’s go with the damned duck, complained Watanabe ever so silently.

The ghost-woman gave the duck a gentle stroke while she watched it eat away at the stolen cracker. “I found this tiny fellow wandering yonder in the fields.”

I think I can read that name tag now after last night’s practice. Be-t-si… Wait, that was the name of… Uhm… Teddy’s lost wife, right?

“Ah! The macher’s lost wi- duck!” exclaimed Rabanowicz, jolting up in shock “The duck… Looks too ordinary to be the duck of some high royal. I expected something dignified like a swan, not something that’s plainly a duck.” She had ended her jolt with a liberal pinch of ‘being underwhelmed’.

Right, and that duck’s probably not the wife of the head cabbage honcho. At least, I hope not. I don’t even know with this setting anymore; I won’t be surprised if I next learn that the supposed dragon in this cave was just a giant fire-breathing duck all along.

Heck, I’ll even bet 1000-yen that it’s just a giant fire-breathing duck. That’s the sort of thing the malevolent author would find funny, thought Watanabe in his futile attempts at genre-savviness.

“Alright, it’s my turn for me to ask a question,” said Watanabe. He had raised one of his hands if he was in a classroom “who are you?!”

“Now, now.” admonished Rabanowicz “No need to shout at a lady of the forest. Plus, I've already established her identity, didn’t you hear my thesis back at camp?”

“Y-yeah… Totally heard it.” That was a needlessly long monologue the likes of which I’ve only seen before uttered by my former boss. I don’t remember anything honestly.

“Tsk! I think thou art quite wrong lady of bespectaclement!” replied the ghost-woman. She stood up, and extended her arms outwards at an attempt to make herself grander and menacing. This only ended up making her a bit ridiculous. “I am Vasily, still damning this world! I have come here to enact my revenge on the Brassicans!” She then added a comical cackle that was supposed to sound evil.

“…I diagnose her with delirium.” replied Rabanowicz with a heavier hint of being underwhelmed in her voice “You should be careful with the mushrooms of the forest, madame. They can make even the sanest of men go mad.”

Watanabe had a completely different idea. Wait… Vasily… Ain’t that supposed to be the big bad evil demon king guy from some hundred years ago? Well, it is common for big bad evil guys to not be fully defeated and come back at some point. I can already see the title of this story!

“That Time I Was Summoned to Another World That I Thought Was Systemless but It Turns Around I Have Been Summoned to Become the Demon Queen’s Bride or Groom or Whatever in Another World Granting Me Great Power and Riches Beyond Compare”

…or something to that effect.

If that is true, which it should be, why would the author include her in this story and foreshadow her so extensively if such a thing was not to be true, then finally something fantasy-like is happening! I hate it when the author is tardy in revealing the shtick of their story, but I guess I can be merciful and forgive the author if they provide an engaging story from now on.

“Y-yes my queen! What are your orders?” shouted Watanabe. He stood up and did a crude military salute that’d get him discharged in any military.

Rabanowicz looked at Watanabe as if he was mad. Vasily (?) responded with an explosive laugh that rang throughout the forest.

“Pfft- Alright, I’ve had enough with the big fancy ‘thou’ and whatnot. I’ve either had people do not believe me or run away in fear the moment they heard that name, this, this is the first time I see someone try to join me! Ahaha!”

The ghost-woman was greatly amused. Our hero, less so.

The ghost-woman stopped laughing when she finally ran out of breath. She slowly regained her composure; Watanabe got ready to see what disappointing outcome the author had in store for him.

Yeah, just crush my dreams won’t you. I get it, I get it, you’re trying to write comedy or something. Well, I don’t find it funny! Watanabe lamented while waiting for her laugh to wind down, not realizing he was the one at fault for not being protagonistly enough. Are you not entertained?!

This narrator is not entertained, dear Watanabe. I’m still waiting for the part where we finally begin the power fantasy harem part of your story.

“Anyways, enough is enough. I was just joking, I’m not Vasily.” replied the ghost-woman. “But my name is Vasilia, that’s what I call myself anyways, and what Ms. Spectacles guessed back there was true. Exiled from the village, those cabbage-worshippers hate me and whatnot.”

“Right, there’s logically no way for someone to be over six-hundred years old. Right, monsieur?”

“Yeah. I was just joking too. Ha-haha! I- I got you, right?” Watanabe used his special skill, [Fake Laughter] that he had used to great effect while in company outings to smoothly avoid looking like the idiot he was.

There was suddenly an awkward silence as everything was resolved. The ghost-woman’s identity was revealed, Theodore’s pet duck had been found and there was most likely no dragon in the cave that they needed to fight…

…

…This is such a lame conclusion to this arc.

Maybe I should just make Watanabe have another case of sudden cardiac death so that we can have more of what the readers want.

I confess, it was I who killed off Watanabe a couple chapters ago! It was for the sake of reader retention, the holiest thing an author can strive for, so I’m sure you, the reader, can understand me.

Yet that bloody idiot just threw away the opportunity to build a splendiferous harem by coming back here to Lahanezy, just so that he could be with Rabanowicz again.

You know what, I should be calm. Yes, calm. Let the story follow, eventually, the harem will come. Yes. Starting with this new Vasilia fellow. She’ll surely fall in love with our hero soon. That’s how things are supposed to work in literature.

Just think of the reader retention this new character will bring. Think of all that cash rolling in from satisfied readers. I’m fine, I’m one with the green… Breathe in, breathe out.

While the poor author was busy doing breathing exercises to ease their rising blood pressure, Vasilia suddenly pointed at a faraway place. “What is that?!”

Rabanowicz and Watanabe turned their heads to look at the general direction Vasilia pointed at. Finding nothing of interest among the bushes and trees they turned back to find that she had disappeared, leaving Betsy behind.

“Sir Watanabe, Lady Rabanowicz, are you fine? Did that servant of Vasily attack you too?!” shouted Svyatoslav rising up from the spot he had been lying unconscious all this time. “And… What is Betsy doing here?”

Watanabe quickly cooked up a fresh serving of BS, made specially for Svyatoslav. “We routed her and saved Betsy from the clutches of that beast!”

Svyatoslav seemed afraid upon hearing this. “The commander is going to kill me if he finds out that I failed to do my job and put my guests in mortal danger…”

Watanabe approached him and gave Svyatoslav an assuring pat on the back that had a hint of genuine empathy for a fellow worker. “Don’t worry, Brassicus Prima commands us to be benevolent. We’ll keep quiet about your little gaffe back there, okay? The commander won’t know anything.”

“T-Thank you sir! Ye’ve just saved my entire family, I’ll be eternally indebted to you!” replied Svyatoslav who now felt at ease.

“Yeah, no problem, no problem.” Watanabe pointed at Betsy, who was currently aimlessly wandering around like a duck usually does. “Could you do us one small favor escort her back to the palace? We’ll take over investigating this cave and saving the princess.”

“Sir, yes sir!” Svyatoslav picked up Betsy with great care, as if she was a holy artifact left over from Holy Theodore Himself, and left the scene.

Woohoo.

Suddenly a voice rang from the heavens. “So, you’re going to enter the cave and save a princess? Sounds cool, can I join in the action?” The voice that came from the heavens turned out just to be Vasilia standing on the branches of a nearby tree.

“Who the- Huh, that’s where she disappeared to. Why not, madame.” replied Rabanowicz upon realizing that the Divine was not suddenly communicating with her from the heavens. “It’s not like we have a lack of space.”

Right, let us present a bigger feast for the dragon that is not inside there, silently added Watanabe. Entering an enigmatic cave, what could go wrong?

Many things. Many things could go wrong. Why do I do this to myself? You’ve already slain enough dragons back in whateveritwascalledicantrememberitwastoogenerictoevenhaveanameithink-land, you don’t need to venture forth to add another one!

Yet, it was a tad bit too late for our hero to back down now. He was a kappa-hero, or whatever letter of the Greek alphabet sounded manly enough; he would never back down from a challenge!

Vasilia fell from the heavens, as in jumped from the branches of the tree and on to the ground. “You two lead the way.” She readied her unholy goedendag and warhammer combination that was her weapon of choice, if such an act of profanity upon weaponkind ever deserved to be called a weapon.

The newly formed trio made their way in front of the cave. Nothing, other than walls of rock and more rock, could be seen from the entrance.

“Fewelkakteh!” shouted Rabanowicz into the abyss. The abyss responded with a “Fewelkakteh!” in kind.

“What rude kinder, didn’t your mother teach you any manners?” shouted Rabanowicz back into the abyss. This immature bout between Rabanowicz and her echo continued for a few minutes until she was content in her amusement.

At least she seems to be in decent spirits, thought Watanabe while he observed the shouting match.

“Alright, I don’t think any dragons are in here.” concluded Rabanowicz after rigorous research. “If there were any then I’d have drawn them out by now.”

“Right. Thanks for, uh, reassuring us that giant lizards do not exist.” replied Watanabe. “I think the princess would’ve come out as well, so we don't need to need to explore the cave.”

“What? There must be something behind the dragon rumors, monsieur. Doesn’t it just fuel your curiosity, don’t you want to know what lies in this cave?”

“It’d be super cool to see a dragon, wouldn’t it?” said Vasilia. She pointed the goedendag part of her pick-goedendag toward the abyss. “If it isn’t attacked us yet maybe it’s a really friendly dragon? Maybe it’d like to share its hoard with us?”

Rabanowicz sighed. “That’d completely defeat the purpose of dragons as a literary device that represents evil and vice. It’d break the moral of many stories if dragons were not to be all evil.”

“I don’t really read as many books as Ms. Spectacles over here. Excuse my ignorance.” replied Vasilia who was now slightly more enlightened. “But if there are no dragons – who are definitely all evil no questions asked – it should be safe to venture in here.” She took a few steps forward into the dark abyss that was the cave.

“Let us proceed, monsieur.” Rabanowicz too calmly took steps into the cave. “Monsieur, do you intend to wait for us outside?”

“N-No! I’m coming, I’m coming!” replied Watanabe as he took some reluctant steps into the all-consuming darkness. This… There is nothing here. Though it’s not like I could see it if there was anything.

The trio marched into the cave, our hero heroically lagging behind in fear.