Chapter 19 - an old flame…

Mariam and Amin stayed with us, and since Monday and Tuesday is a state public holidays mom propose to us that we should visit Long Pasia. Mariam and Amin ask mom whether needed anything to help and she explain to us.

“Well then, all you need is a notebook and a camera…”

“uh…okay….”

Mom pull out everything from Mariam and Amin’s baggage.

“Eh Aunt Mas is it okay for my musical instrument?”

“Ok…but all others is just excess…we are going back to basic plus the research centre had also enough necessity for all of it…”

“Looks like you just pretty damn simple eh…”

“uh…a toothbrush, toothpaste and that’s it…”

“More like your clothes?”

“The one that I would wear…pretty sure it is hot and humid…. Ain't that right mom?”

“Yeah… but don’t worry because we do prepare some spare clothes for us in the facility…”

I’m pretty sure Mariam and Amin thought this is a vacation trip. There goes the city dwellers. Mariam and Amin only take whatever necessary with mom’s guidance. hehehe😈 this time is my turn to pounce.

Me and Hana brought only a backpack with basic necessity while Sam is with a babies needs.

“We’ll wait for our transport….”

“Huh? Not your car mom?”

“This pick-up truck not a chance…”

Mom wore her hijab with an adventurer clothing. Like an Indiana jones style. Leather boots, brown color dress and sling bag with her side and a knife.

“Alex, did you brought your journal?”

“Yeah, along with a knife” I brought a small machete with a fire starter stick attach to the knife sheath.

“Why are you bringing that?”

“Its the jungle, we have to camp…”

“Huh?😮 - Mariam

“Uh…Alex?”

“Hehehehe…”

“That is not funny…”

“Its one night trip to the place, and 1 1/2 days in the research centre and a day trip back home.”

“So we will miss school for a few days!!!!”

“Don’t worry, Mr Rahman said its included in our curriculum…as a special class session…”

“Oh well, let it Micheal handle it…”

Mom said to me to wait for another person. I wonder who will that be. And to surprise me its Geoffrey’s dad sending Sylvia🤯

“Mom!!”

“She is interested to be in this special school program…”

“This is not even close to a school program!! You’re up to something right!?”

“Since when…I told you that we are going on a visit”

“With all of them!!”

Mariam and mom is up to something again, the look in their faces tell me something about this. This is not what I’m planning.

“Sylvia is our last member, and she will be part of the visiting student to the centre.”

“Hey I thought that you have choir session…”

“I have done it just now…after the session I left the church immediately, knowing that mother -in-law is calling me…”

“Uh hum…no one is calling mother-in-law yet…but I like you, quite straight forward…”

Eh? When did Sylvia talk to mom? This getting suspicious. Mariam is looking forward to this. Amin is also looking at me and stand next to me.

“Usually the girls that had a lot of offers but not you though….”

“Asshole…what are you talking about?”

“Honey, don’t ruin the fun…😏”

“Mar….”😠

“Ooo how scary you look….”

“Come on Mar….I begging you, I will not last long in this school you know!!”

She hold my shoulder and console

“Being a man is the path of of the unknown…that is what a man is all about” fuck you 🖕🏼 bitch you suppose to back me up not torture me like this!!! 😭

“Come on dude, at least we will have fun!!” Yeah sounds fun to you!!

“darling….”🥰 closing in to me.

Ugh…I’m dead. In an instant a strong flash which Hana give me a drop kick to the face. When I woke up. I’m in a van. Where all of them were chatting to each other. Me and Amin sit next together while Mariam is with Sylvia, Mom and Hana along with Sam is in front. But the driver is someone that looks familiar.

“Alex don’t you remember Uncle Jasney ?”

“yeah…but that was long time ago…”

“Do pekak Alex…” I remember a bit of Lun Bawang language that means good morning

“Do pekak… taman pinaken…” means good morning uncle.

“You still remember speaking Lun Bawang a bit eh, that is good because most of them only speak that language….anyone else could speak that language…?” - Uncle Jasney

I’m pretty sure Mariam could speak that language but no one answered. And mom replied

“Na teh, among na mula’ Lun Bawang”

“Do’…belajar keli’ Lun Bawang kereb mada amung” - Uncle Jasney

They chatting in a language that I was once familiar talking to it but it seems blurry now.

“Hey bro, this language seems out of this world eh?”

“Uh huh.. yeah…”

“You know how to speak like them right?”

“No…not for a while…I was only 5 at that time…but I could understand a bit what are they talking about…”

“Alex born in Long Pasia, he lived with there before he was 7. But seems like you forgotten the place eh…?”

“A bit…but I don’t remember much…how it looked like?”

“Then don’t forget to visit her…ok…?”

“Yeah…”

Mariam suddenly asked me

“Who is that lucky girl?”

“Someone that I knew long ago….”

I suddenly remember Frederica when I was little.

“Alex rimud!!!”

“Ro pekak!!!”

“ Iko rurum!!”

I suddenly remember what she said again

“Alex smile!!”

“Good morning!!”

“You are my friend right?”

“Alex…this is goodbye…”

I suddenly remember her passing from my hands. The village when I was young, playing with her. She is my childhood friend, and my first love. Frederica was a frail child, she was diagnose with a brain tumour since birth, she only lived for 6 years. She is the first girl that I fell in love before Natalie. Its the truth in my heart because I still remember her.

“Alex?” - Mariam

“Huh..?”

“Why are you crying…?” - Mariam

“uh…nothing…maybe some dust come to my eyes…”

“Big brother…”

“Soon…Alex don’t forget to visit her okay…” - Mariam

“Yeah….”

“You must be sad to visit again ya…” - Uncle Jasney (speaking in Lun Bawang)

“yeah…” - I replied in Lun Bawang

“Dude sometimes you are really sentimental about things ya…”

We drove for hours until reach at the end of a road where we have ride a boat. Mariam and Amin is excited, while Sylvia is holding me but me, just felt a nostalgic feeling just by riding a boat. I suddenly had an instant flashback, with me and Frederica swimming in the river with my cousin. Sylvia look at me and asked me

“Does she lived there..?”

“yeah…”

“Big brother…what is going on mom?”

“You’ll see soon why big brother is like that…”

Since the boat ride will take 2 hours to reach there where I was born. Mariam asked me

“What is going with you being sentimental all of a sudden…?”

“Huh..? Oh….here is the place where I learn to fell in love…”

“eh..?”

Sylvia suddenly wanted to listen to me

“Tell me more…”

“You could say, that she is my other light…my sunlight…”

Everyone suddenly turn serious and mom ended it

“Hey Alex don’t ruin it okay..we almost reach the village…”

It didn’t change, when we dock at a jetty, someone is waiting there and said to me

“That is your cousin, Clark…”

He is tall now, but a bit rough looking guy, and he is waving at us.

“Hoi!!!”

“How are you Aunt Mas!!?” (Translate from Malay)

“Yeah we are fine!! Where is everyone?”

“They are still in the paddy field, Miranda is busy with her marriage” (in malay)

“Wow, that is an interesting day…looks like we have a lot to do today…”

“Yeah everyone is busy with the wedding…”

“She is 20 right?”

“Yeah”

“Her future husband is a cousin of Frederica, Tomal his name he is an explorer for Borneo Foundation”

“Good…ok everyone the house is there just put your stuff there..”

We all head to the house and we setup the place, the bedding is basic and the others were a bit uncomfortable but they manage it. Mom called me

“Its time Alex…you should visit her…”

A sharp flashback to me, just trying to remember her. That strong feeling, that loving to her. I remember the pathway to her house.

“fine…I just not ready to see her yet…” my hand is trembling is this something suppressing my old feelings? Or just don’t want to accept it yet. Heh it was 10 years ago.

“Alex…go….it is time….”

“Aunt Mas….what is going on?” - Mariam

“Ever since that day Alex never did attend her…”

“Alex…what’s up?”

“……….” I could not yet visit her. I suddenly run away towards her home.

“Hey!!! Alex!!!”

“Big brother!!”

“Alex!!!” Everyone

“…….” I could not looked at them, I suddenly remember her, her face, her voice no!!! I don’t want to remember it!!!! I run towards the river where I met her for the first time. This is the time where I had fun chasing piglets and chickens and she is there wondering what am I doing. I look at the place where I met her is now empty place. Someone is calling me

“Hey Alex!!! Where are you running off to?”

“Hey dude you scaring me!!”

“Big brother!!”

“Alex…”

“This is where I played and this is where I met her…”

“……the girl right?”

“yeah….”

“You must be really young at that time….”

“Don’t remember much because mom is the one that remembers it all”

I walk towards the memory lane where all of my childhood where dad scolded me for chasing piglets. Mom is with us and she explain to me.

“You know you were chasing piglets at that time, and you tell me it is cute…even catching one, you are a feisty child at that time…”

“Must be really feisty…”

“yeah…even dad had to cleanse me with earth and water at that time..really funny even Frede..no…”

“You really suppressing it…ya…that is what I was really concern about…”

“no…I don’t know what I really trying to do here…”

“Just take it slow ok…”

“Yeah…”

“Aunt Mas what is going on here with Alex…?” - Mariam

“There is a reason I need you all to be here because if not, I could not control him…at least he got friends here..”

Someone is calling me

“HOI!!! ALEX IS THAT YOU!!!!?”

He suddenly hugged me and said to me

“Its been years!!! How are you doing!!!?”

He look familiar, Jerome because of his scar in the right eye brow where he tried to take down a mother pig by himself, me and Frederica laugh because of it.

“Alex….” - Sylvia

“Sorry guys, I’m not myself at the moment…”

“Mom you not telling me everything here…right?”

“Yeah…because you still do not accept it right?”

“Don’t know…”

“It was that bad that is the reason I left this village and let you back to KK”

“What really happen mom?”

“This village was once plague with an unknown diseases that is unexplainable but like the usual the superstition of this village believe it is a curse….”

“…….” - I could not said anything. I remember it well, the villagers arguing with each other, Frederica and me went to place where we could just be ourself during that chaotic moment. I walk to the place where me and Frederica stay together until the night. I walk slowly to the place, together with them. Like I always remember filled with bushes and we just walk straight to it. I entered the bush and they shouted

“Hey there is no road there!!!” Amin

“There is…”

I entered it with my machete I cut through the bushes and saw a pathway that we walk every time we want to meet. Until reach a pond where orchids blooms there. But during the night it was glittered with moonlight and the stars. I remember what she said to me

“My grandpa told me that the star represent our ancestor that have move on…if we died we will be at that star…”

I suddenly saw the young me and Frederica sitting there, I tried to throw rocks at the pond where there is fish there. Now is just a swampy remains. Its all dried up, the orchid that blooms there does not exist anymore. I look at a tree there is a writing that symbolise us. A symbol of a bird. Is still there, Mom and the others were surprised to see this.

“So this is where you both hide from us…dating in the middle of the night…”

“Ah..hahahaha….yeah…we played here often but it was beautiful before I did took a bath here. While she….never mind…”

“This is strange coming from Alex, suddenly turn sentimental….hello earth to Alex is that you” - Mariam waving at my face.

“yeah….is still me…”

“Mom…?”

“Yeah..?”

“The house is still there?”

“Yes…they waiting for you…”

We head to Frederica’s house where her parent is still there. Her mother hugged me

“Oh child, how much have you grown!!”

“Alex…wow you getting handsome since the last time we met…”

I look at the entrance, I still remember, that we still played here together with my cousin.

“This is place where Alex used to hang around…”

“bro…” - Amin

“Yeah…kids stuff…”

“Alex would you like to visit her room…”

I’m not ready to visit her room, and Sylvia push me

“Come on Alex, lets go together…”

“You should bro…”

“This is your childhood memories”

I was reluctant to visit but they push me inside

It was the same like before ten years ago. When me and Frederica playing, we listen to the old radio. And it's still there. But the one that makes me want to avoid is the family portrait. I remember Dad used to take picture of them in helping mom improving their lives. We used to lived in grandpa’s house but its left abandon, that house is next to this.

“Wow, is that Alex with that girl, they look cute together while holding hands…” - Mariam

“Let me see…aww Alex is really cute at that time….” - Sylvia

“Not as cute as me!!” Amin

“Yeah right, runny nose with that picture your dad showed me😛” - Mariam

“Hey!! Honey!! That is embarrassing!!”

“Alex?”

“……” I look into that picture I remember how it happen. We were playing tag with my cousins and she suddenly hold my hand.

“Gotcha!!”

“Hey that’s not fair, this is a game of tag not holding hands!!”

“Ok you two say cheese…”

“Cheese!!!”

That picture of her together with me. While playing, while they chatting with Frederica’s parent. I head up to her room, at the end of the hallway, I slowly open it. At that table, Frederica is writing on her journal, and she suddenly close the book. She is a smart girl, capable to write at such a young age, mom told me that she had an IQ like Albert Einstein.

“Hey!!! Get out from the room!!!”

She literary throw her comic book at my face. Her favourite comic book, Sailormoon. She always had pigtails and act like the main character Tsukino Usagi. I open her drawer and there it is, her journal. I open it, reading it. Is all about her story when she is in the hospital. Then the one of the journal had my name on it.

“5 July 1989 - a kid from this village, but never heard of him before did he lived here? When?”

Then is all about the time that I lived there. One part that I started to notice something. The last of her journal written

“10 Oct 1991 - its my birthday, Alex always tease me for being at home, started to pull me out of the house, he drag me to play with him. Little that he knows that I have always like him, he never shown any fear of anything, there is a time that he was chase by a rooster because he chase the chicks, he ran as fast as he could and kick the rooster to the head, that is funny because he is stupid but he is also the first kid that wanted to be my friend. But I loved him a lot, but... its not fair, I’m going to die soon. The doctor said to me, my brain will cease to function when I’m at the age of seven. But I’m not going to tell him that or he will be sad. But please brain, please let me enjoy the moment together with him. I’m not going to give up. Please god….please god….let me stay with him a bit longer or even forever with Alex….please….”

My eyes started to swell, and my heart weaken by what she said to herself. I sat at the table, and could not hold it, I started to cry.

“You stupid…why…..you…have….to…..”

“Alex…what happen?” - Mariam and Amin is there.

“Mar…” I hugged her and cried

“Alex, I heard from her parents that she died…trying to save you….”

“I don’t remember….it….I don’t know what had happen…aaaaa!!!😭

“Alex…we here you know we the three musketeer right Mar” - Amin

Amin and Mariam tried to comfort me.

“Alex….you have to accept it….”

My emotions exploded with tears, I could not hold it any longer. Mariam also shed her tears, and Amin tried to comfort me.

“Alex there is something you need to know…”

“……”

“Your mom told us during that time you were dying, because you had a terrible accident while saving her from a rampaging buffalo and hit you”

I remember it now. When it's her birthday, they wanted to make a buffalo curry for her birthday, but the bull run away. And it head towards her. I push her aside and that is all I remember.

“Alex, you almost died that time…and she…..” - Mariam

“Donate her organs and her blood to you…she is a donor…and its compatible” - Sylvia

“……no……it can’t…be…..” I started to cry again. Mariam hugged me like we are siblings.

“Alex….you have to accept it…she save you….” - Mariam

“She sacrifice herself to save you….” - Sylvia

Its like the same time when Natalie tried to stop me from killing myself again. I feel weak, my body could not move at all. Sylvia holding my arms while Mariam and Amin hold me. I really grateful to have friends like them. Mom look at me.

“Is good to have a friends that is there with you…”

Maybe this is the reason why mom always wanted to bring me here. But I’m the one that reluctant to visit.

“Mom, I’m ready to see her…”

“Good she is waiting…”

Mariam and Amin hold me while Sylvia trying to bring me to her, Hana also is there. We reach the cemetery because she is a christian faith. I saw my grandpa and grandma’s grave as well, until we reach her grave.

“Frederica Joanna Tagal 10 Oct 1985 - 10 oct 1991, a light that bring us joy. let the Almighty bring her back to eden…”

Amin and Mariam said to me

“We let you see her alone…we wait here”

“Thanks…”

I sat there close to her grave and confess

“hey…Frederica…I’m sorry that I could not went to your burial, when I woke up, I was looking for you and mom said that you no longer there. I could not accept it, I even said to everyone that they are lying to the point I started to beat your dad. I was angry that you were gone. I really let my tantrum to everyone. Frederica… you know what, I got to confess something that I really regret that I did not said to you….I love you Frederica, you were my first love…you never realise, but why I have always come to your home because I really like you, you always look outside the window.. like a cage bird that wanted to be free. I felt that I wanted to you to see the world outside that window. You know a lot more than me, but you wanted to see more as well. I’m sorry…that I could not save you but….in the end you save me. I never knew that you are close with me, seems that wish came true to be with me forever, you are a part of me Frederica. You must really jealous that I have someone that I have to protect as well, she is like you, act like you as if your spirit is with her. She is also smart like you…. And lastly Thank you…my first love…and farewell”

I started to cry and suddenly Frederica said to me

“You’re welcome, and thank you for loving me…” (translate to Lun Bawang)

A bird stand at the her grave and flies off towards the skies, I know that she is free. I turn back I was surprised that everyone is there. And her parents cried to see there.

“Thank you Alex…”

“I did not done anything she…”

“No Alex, she had a meaningful life before her passing…thank you….”

It was an emotional moment for everyone. Mariam and Amin hugged me.

“I felt really close and understand you more” - Mariam

“Dude…never knew you went through all this…” - Amin

“Alex…you’re not alone….got it” - Sylvia hugged me and kiss my forehead. I could not respond because of this heavy emotions that has been building inside me.

“Big brother….!!!” Hana hugged me

“Mom….”

“Yeah…”

“Thanks…” I smile at her

“You have finally release all that emotions…welcome back….”

All that memories that I remember her came back to me but not something that hurt me but to remember her always. Mariam and Amin tried to cheer me up by making stupid jokes.

“There all is done, now you owe me….”

“Huh?”

“Since she kiss you that is a declaration, kukuku😈”

“…..🖕🏼 fuck you!!”

“He is back!!!”

“You bastard!!” I tried to hold his head but he tried to hold me back

“Hey honey let’s throw him into the river to wash away all the demons that hold him!!”

“Got it!!!”

“Darling!!!” Sylvia hugged me tightly and Hana is furious and wanted to hit me

“Get away from big brother!! Bad girl!!!!!grr!!!!” She is kicking my back

“Ouch that hurts!!! Hey Hana cool it!!! Stay!!!!”

“Get away from big brother!!!”

There is the river and they wanted to throw me to the river

“Hey that is not funny hey!!!!! Mom aren’t you just going to watch this!!!”

“Maybe its a good idea that you cleanse yourself into that river!!!”

“Hey!!!”

“One, two, bye Alex!!!”

“Splash!!!!” I was thrown by them to the river and that is not funny!!!

“Hey!!!!” But what I saw from behind them, I saw Frederica was behind them and smile at me waving me farewell. I only smile, and said farewell in my heart to my old flame.

“Alex is has gone kokoo!! Looks like the cleansing is complete…”

I head out and drag Amin together to the river, and did a diving smash to the river along with him. I drag Mariam to the river

“Hey!!!!”

Us three swimming in the river while mom said to us

“There’s crocodile there!!”

“Oh shit!!!!😱” we swim for our lives and head to land. 

Everyone laugh. It really cheered me up after all that. Now we going to enjoy this place more.