Chapter Twenty-One - Wrong

My panties, the last line of defense, slipped over my hips, rolling up slightly against my butt before pulling free and exposing me fully to Aria’s gaze. I felt a growing unease begin to take hold in my belly. This was wholly unlike the devil Brazilian. Aria was mere centimeters from me with the intention of doing…things…to me, not to rip my pubic hair out by the roots with torture wax. A flood of horrors flashed through my mind all at once.

I was wet, I could feel it on my thighs and trickling down between my butt cheeks to puddle on Emi’s poor, expensive futon. Was I too wet? Not wet enough? Was it too lewd? Not lewd enough? How would I explain to Emi why I needed to wash her futon in the morning? Did my vagina look weird? Did I even call it a vagina? What was the proper thing to call it?

I’d looked up sexier things, but they all seemed too vulgar, too childish, or too outlandish to be effectively descriptive while sexy at the same time. Somehow asking your girlfriend to touch your “no no spot” seemed rather too childish. By the same token I also didn’t want to get all technical and begin referring to it as my labia majora, minora and all the other terms because that would feel like I was trying to conduct a biology class.

Then I had all the manga tropes flash through my mind at once. I didn’t want to scream “Kyaaa! Don’t look! That place is dirty!” Because it certainly wasn’t. I had washed myself thoroughly in the bath. But what if it smelled? I read that each woman had a different, distinct odor and the thought terrified me. What if my scent was particularly odious? What if she was repulsed? The fears kept coming rapid-fire and with each new fear my confidence shrank exponentially.

“Your pussy is so gorgeous, K-chan,” Aria murmured, staring at me hungrily. Well, I guess that solved one dilemma, I thought with a certain detachment. “And I love your clit.” She brushed her finger over me, and my body jumped of its own volition in response. Once more I forced back a call to “don’t look!” and merely threw my arm over my eyes, squeezing them shut tightly while trying to keep my voice quiet.

To say I was embarrassed would be a gross understatement. I didn’t expect a baseball play by play of my body parts and her continued close examination of said body parts. I gasped and jumped once again as her fingertip brushed against my swollen lips.

“I love your little slit,” Aria murmured, as if staring at a particularly interesting piece of art. Her finger slipped between my lips and brushed against the inner folds, and I jumped again. A sudden fear reared to life in my head and my eyes snapped open.

There were a lot of questions I still had. She’d told me on the phone in Hiroshima her cousin answered against her wishes, but I met her cousin and, while rather hostile (and rightfully so to my mind), she was certainly no man. Who the hell answered the phone, then? Another cousin? Someone else?

Also, according to said cousin, Aria spent most of her time out of the house and somehow, I doubted her aunt was with her since I’d think the cousin would have mentioned that little tidbit of information. So who was she spending her nights with if not either of them? These and others were questions I had no answer to. The fear in my head spread quickly, like a river overflowing its banks, and coursed through my body unchecked.

I wanted this, I truly did. But I wanted it to mean something. To be something. I did think sex was a bit too soon, but that wasn’t why the fear had taken hold. What if, by giving Aria this, the only thing I had that was truly mine, she lost interest? Would she still make the effort after we had sex? Would she even bother with me afterward or would I suddenly be the butt of private jokes about how quickly and easily I spread my legs?

Not to mention did this even count as sex? As far as the majority of the world was concerned this was either an unforgivable abomination or harmless experimentation. How could this mean so much to me and so tragically little to most other people? Did this mean the same to Aria or was I simply a warm body on a cold night, gender be damned? Did I even have a right to wonder what any of “us” meant to her?

Suddenly guilt rose like a flood to join the fear in a tidal wave of suffocating emotions. What kind of girlfriend was I to think things like that about her? What right did I have to act like some kind of inquisitor sitting in judgement of what she said and what she did? What did being a girlfriend even mean? What had a moment earlier been exciting, and thrilling, and breath-taking became claustrophobically, horribly messed up in an instant.

I moved my arm slightly. The house was quiet and still, and the scent of polished wood and expensive incense hung tantalizingly in the air warmed and circulated by the heating vent in the center of the room. The night was mostly cloudless for a change and the silver light of the waxing moon played on our skin. The night was romantic and perfect. Everything I always imagined my first time would be. Yet the whole situation was all so wrong. Or more accurately, I was all wrong.

The tsunami of emotions overwhelmed me and ground me up beneath them and my gasps of desire became sobs of fear and self-doubt. I covered my face tighter with my arm and lay nude, legs spread lewdly and sobbed. I no longer felt Aria’s fingers on my body, as if my physical form had suddenly ceased to exist. I only knew doubt and fear and self-revulsion.

“K-chan?” Aria whispered, touching my shoulder gently. “What’s wrong?” I wanted to wave the question away, brush it off as if it was nothing more than a speck of dust in my eye or a twinge in my back, but it was too much for me to bear, and I sobbed harder still.

“I’m wrong!” I wept. “Everything about me is wrong. I should be happy and excited but instead I’m miserable and useless and scared.” I pushed my arms tighter against my eyes as if I could force the tears away through sheer strength alone, but the cast made the motions awkward, and my emotions simply refused to be pushed down and buried.

“Come here, Kasumi,” Aria whispered, laying down beside me. She wrapped her warm arms around me and pulled me closer, her breasts against me feeling like an indictment of all my petty stupidity. “It’s ok. Shhh.” She lay her head against mine, her hands insistently pulling my body until I rolled over to face her reluctantly.

“It’s not ok! I’m not ok! I’m broken, don’t you see?” I protested, arms still covering my eyes; wanting to lash out at myself and the world itself but lacking the strength to do either. “I’m naked with my girlfriend and I’m crying like a useless idiot. It’s fine to hate me. I hate me, too. Why should you be any different?”

“I could never hate you, K-chan,” Aria whispered, wrapping her arms tighter around me. “I know this is a lot and I kind of pushed you into it. I’m sorry.” I shook my head vehemently, why should she apologize for my own fears and stupid phobias.

The truth is I did want to have sex with her. I wanted to give her the only thing I knew no one else could. But I was also terrified of it. Afraid of the implications, afraid of the repercussions and, mostly, afraid of being afraid.

I didn’t even know if I could give her my virginity, the thought occurred to me out of the blue. How would it even work? Wasn’t there some sort of penetration that had to happen? I’d thought about giving it, of course, but I’d never thought of the specifics until she had her fingers on my vagina. How would I give her my virginity?

Would we need toys? If we used fingers, hadn’t I already lost my virginity, then? God knows I’d masturbated enough, and even put a finger inside myself from time to time. Did that mean I wasn’t a virgin anymore? Had I inadvertently taken my own virginity? I’d never thought about it before, but the notion seemed plausible. All of which served to make me even more miserable, resulting in me crying even harder.

“It’s ok!” Aria patted my shoulder tenderly as my sobs grew louder and more pronounced.

“It’s not ok!” I gasped between tears. “I took my own virginity!”

“What?” Aria seemed confused.

“I put my finger inside myself before and now I’m not a virgin!” I wailed, trying, and failing to keep my voice down. Aria giggled and pulled my head into her ample bosom, running her fingers through my hair and patting my back reassuringly.

“You’re getting way too worked up about this, K-chan,” she soothed. “I’ve never seen you like this before. You’re very cute.”

“I’m not cute,” I protested, sniffling. “I’m stupid and a terrible girlfriend.” Aria reached under my chin and gently lifted my head.

“Look at me, Kasumi,” Aria prodded gently. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes to find her smiling at me. “You did nothing wrong. And you are not a terrible girlfriend. If anyone’s been terrible, it’s been me. This has been hard on you, and God knows I haven’t made anything any easier. I promise I will try to be better. You deserve better.” I shook my now aching head.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered, not caring how weak I most assuredly looked.

“Don’t apologize!” Aria pleaded, holding me with her eyes. “I’ll try to get along with Saki, and I’ll try hard to be a better girlfriend for you. If and when you’re ready, we can try again. I never should have pushed you like this, K-chan. It was all my fault. Forgive me?”

“Only if you forgive me.”

“Shhh,” Aria shook her head again and put her finger on my lips. “Just don’t be so stubborn and let me have this one, Kasumi. Please?” I eyed her suspiciously for a moment before nodding once in silent agreement. “Thank you. Do you want a tissue?”

“Yes, please,” I muttered. Aria fished about in her purse for a moment and my eyes traveled guiltily to her exposed butt. I was such a complete fool, I chastised myself. Here I am crying like a three-year-old who lost their favorite bunny while Aria’s nudity was warm and inviting next to me.

“Are you looking at my butt, K-chan?” Aria giggled.

“How’d you know?” I asked, wiping the tears from my eyes and cheeks.

“Because I’d do the same if our positions are reversed,” Aria turned back around and handed me a small packet of tissues. “I won these in a lottery at the market.”

“Oh,” I mumbled, pulling a tissue out from the packet, and blowing my nose as daintily as possible. “The ones they give out are pretty high-quality.”

“Yes, they are,” Aria chuckled, leaning forward, and kissing me gently on the lips. “Why don’t you lay with me while we sleep? It’s almost as good as sex anyway, you know.”

“Is it?” I sniffled. Aria nodded and patted the futon next to her. I lay down slowly and Aria instantly folded me in her arms, cuddling close behind me. Her breasts pressed against my back, warm and soft and her thigh slipped over mine, capturing my leg protectively.

“You really do have an amazing body, K-chan,” Aria whispered in my ear, brushing my hair with her fingers tenderly.

“So do you,” I mumbled, sleep suddenly weighing heavily on me. “I made a mess of Emi’s futon.”

“Well, that’s not a bad thing,” Aria chuckled. “I’ll help you clean it tomorrow.”

“I can do it,” I whispered. I blinked once too long and too slowly, and was asleep.