35.i Like Scooping the Moon from the Water

~ Ham Song ~

This wasn’t over. Not by a long shot.

At least that’s what Ham Song wanted to believe. He stood there alone in the street, breathing rather heavily even though he had hardly exerted himself. I suppose yelling at Sun Ritsu moments ago had knocked the wind out of him.

It was as Ham Song had feared. He would have to call on them for help with this situation. Bodhi was the only spirit this side of the Heavenly River who could get that damn monkey to listen to reason.

As Ham Song trundled through the maze of back alleys, he couldn’t shake off the disbelief of what had recently transpired.

What was that just now?

Sun Ritsu, his benevolent monkey king, had left him behind.

This wasn’t odd behavior for the spideress and definitely not that wet excuse for a monk. But Ritsu wasn’t like normal spirits. He didn’t leave his friends behind.

Ham Song reprimanded himself for his actions. He had pushed the monkey king too far.

Or… had he really?

This wasn’t the first time that Ham Song had let his passion get the best of him. He was known to lose his composure in the midst of trying to sway Sun Ritsu’s heart. So why would his behavior come as a surprise to Ritsu now? Did something change?

Or could it have been something else entirely?

A sudden breeze whipped around the corner and kicked up the litter in the alley. Ham Song felt a gentle tug underfoot. He glanced down and with a curious snort, lifted his leg. That pesky tournament flyer was stuck to the underside of his hoof.

The Sevenfold Peach Championship.

What was it about this silly tourney that drove Sun Ritsu to behave so out of character?

“Woof.”

Ham Song looked up to see two dog spirits towering over him. They weren’t corgis. Their glamour was weak enough for him to notice that one had spots and the other couldn’t keep his tongue in his mouth.

“Huh, check out this pig. Must be nice to Lucky and fat.”

Ham Song shuffled to the side, pardoning himself.

But when he tried to step around the two mongrels, they simply got in his way again.

“Drop some more Luck and we’ll let you go,” the spotted one said.

Ham Song bristled. “I don’t know how to do that.” He could tell by the lightness in his shoulders that he had already shed some Luck just by standing in the shadow of the dog spirits. What more could they possibly want?

“Look here, porky pie,” the one with the lopsided tongue dropped to Ham Song’s level and deliberately leaned close enough to lick him if he wanted.

“If you don’t stop being so fucking stingy with the Luck, then we’ll just take you with us. It’s not cute to leave food lying about in the streets.”

The spotted one barked.

“Right. Not cute at all.”

By now, our dear old Ham Song had broken out in a sweat.

“Please. C-can you please.” He swallowed a hard lump in his throat. “Just let me leave. I’m not — heaven help me — just because I’m unglamoured doesn’t mean I’m food!”

The crouching dog flicked Ham Song’s squishy snout.

“Who are you raising your voice to?” He slowly rose to full height. “Huh? You porky little fuck?”

The spotted one barked again.

“Oh no! Excuse me. I didn’t mean—” Ham Song rapidly backed up, but he had nowhere to go.

“Nuh-uh!”

The dog spirits snatched Ham Song up by his back legs. Before he knew it, he was dangling over concrete.

“You’re not getting away. No, not by the hairs on your chinny-chin-chin. ”

Ham Song tried to scream for Sun Ritsu, but one of the dogs bit him.

The environment around Ham Song became distorted and off-kilter as the razored edge of absolute panic began to take over.

“Put the pig down.”

There was a burst of color. Gitter rained from above. One of the dogs sneezed on it.

For a moment, Ham Song’s senses realigned as he tried to process this interruption in what was very clearly about to be a kidnapping.

“Ahh, it’s that monkey thief idol! What the hell is she doing here?” Ham Song’s spotted captor growled.

The pig craned his neck and blinked to clear his sight among the glittery snowfall.

“Sailor Sun?”

There was a smooth chuckle and then, “In the flesh, dear old Ham Song. Need a hand?”

Before Ham Song could respond, his ears rang with the eruption of manic barking.

“Get lost, bitch!”

Ham Song’s dark beady eyes bulged as the dog spirits suddenly tightened their hold on him and jerked him back. Sun Surina twirled her shiny star-tipped scepter and pounced.

In the heat of the moment, something swelled up and hardened in Ham Song’s gut of guts – something that was both familiar and terrifying. Whatever was happening to him, the dogs must have sensed it as well because their voices grew uncertain.

“What’s the matter with the hog?”

“I don’t know, but he looks like he’s about to pop!”

Sun Surina dashed forward right at the same time Ham Song hacked up a missile of sweet immortal peaches. His sudden projectile vomit packed enough punch to fire himself and the two dogs backwards into the concrete building behind them.

Thankfully, the dogs served as reliable cushions for Ham Song, so he was able to tumble out of their clutches unharmed. The would-be captors groaned before going into cold unconsciousness.

“Stupid, crazy mongrels!” Ham Song grunted angrily right before a new wave of slimy peaches came up. Once again, he became a fountain of immortal riches until the spell of acid reflux passed.

“Wow. You are one Lucky pig. Looks like you didn’t need my help after all, huh?” Sailor Sun said as she whipped out a recycled trash bag and helped Ham Song gather all of the glowing peaches inside.

“If you had plans to go shopping, I deeply apologize,” Ham Song grunted as he used the tip of his snout to roll the last peach inside the plastic bag.

Suri’s starry earrings rattled as she gently shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. I always carry an extra grocery bag or two whenever I go out. What are you doing all the way in the slums on your own anyway?”

Ham Song licked his protruding tusk and narrowed his eyes. “What about you? Aren’t you supposed to be robbing somebody blind? There’s no tourists over this way.”

“See here, sweet pig, I had no intentions of descending from on high into this dampened alleyway. Absolutely none. I was just cloud-strolling when I heard you squealing for dear life.” Suri nudged Ham Song away from the dogs and back out onto the main street corridor. “So, to be fair, you owe me again. I’ll kindly take these peaches as payment.”

Suri briefly peeked inside the bag to count the number of peaches. “Oh, what do you know? You’ve tried to overpay me yet again. Would you like to cash in the rest and get a lift to wherever you were going?”

Ham Song then remembered his initial dilemma. “Could you take me to the local correctional facility? There’s someone there that I need to speak to.”

Surina arched a pink eyebrow. “Is a friend of yours behind bars?” She bent down to pick up the pig.

He grunted as he got comfortable in her arms. “Do you remember that incorrigible monk I traveled with?”

It’s funny, Dear Traveler, the things that Ham Song could never admit to himself, but had no problem voicing aloud to the likes of Sun Surina.

“As much as I hate to say it, that monk has a way with my dear benevolent monkey that I, at this present moment in time, do not possess.”

“Hold that thought, sweet pig. We’re about to take off.”