What are we?

Friends?

I never had such a thing.

All the people my age I have ever known are just brats. They don’t see the bigger picture, I’m the only one who sees ahead. However… She’s not like that, or at least, she doesn’t seem like it.

The reason why I loved libraries is because the people there never try to befriend you, they are always just minding their business. There is nothing that I ever looked forward to about going to the library other than just being alone and in peace.

But things are different now.

I do look forward to going to the library the entire day just to hear her greet me as she always does. And after I say goodbye to her at the end of the day I always look forward to the day’s end so the next day I can greet her again. On weekends I try to do as many things as possible so time goes faster and we can greet each other again.

But that is just me.

I don’t know how she feels, I don’t know if those greetings meet as much to her as they do to me.

So, maybe I do want to be her friend, but I don’t know if she wants to be my friend.

Her homeroom teacher noticed that I wasn’t answering at all, so she gave me a little push to help me resolve my doubts and snap out of it.

“Here are the prints, please deliver them to her. Do you know where she lives? If not I’ll give you her address, I’m sure she will be glad that you do this for her.”

“Eh? Ah, yeah. T-thank you very much.” I timidly answered.

After I finished with my activities at the library I looked up for the address the teacher gave me on my phone, only to realize that it was on the same route as my house, just a few blocks away. But that made me wonder why I had never encountered her on the train. After all, even if it’s still closer to school than my house, reality is that it is still far enough. At least three stations.

I decided that those questions didn’t need to be answered, so I just buried them in the back of my mind and then I went on my way to her house. As I was getting closer I started to panic because I knew I had to give some explanations to whoever was looking over her. Like how I got their address, how did I know that she was in a bad condition if I’m in a different class to hers, or even worse, a question that I didn’t have an answer for: what was my relationship with Tanaka-san.

Those thoughts were consuming me on my way there, even after I got out of the train I still wasn’t ready to answer those questions. I got to the address the teacher gave me, in their mailbox it was indeed confirmed that it was the Tanaka’s family residence, and the house didn’t cause any major impressions on me despite the fact that it was a nice and big property.

I showed myself doubting to ring the bell, after all I was still wondering what explanations I was going to give to the person who were to receive me. I stood in front of it for a considerably long period preparing the answers I was going to give. But life strikes you fast, and even faster when you are trying to get ready.

“Oh, that uniform. Are you here to see my daughter?” Asked a voice coming from the opposite direction from which I arrived to the house.

I looked towards the direction it was coming and found that the one who spoke to me was a woman around the age of 30. She was carrying a bag of groceries and due to their resemblance it was clear that she was Tanaka-san’s mother, or at least a close relative.

“Ah- Y-yes. I-i’m sorry for the disturbance, I-i just came here to deliver some printouts for t-today’s class notes.” I say bowing my head and handing her the package her teacher gave me.

She remained silent by a few seconds, then she spoke with a jolly voice:

“Oh my, thank you very much for your help young man. Please allow me to repay you by offering you a cup of tea. It’s getting cold after all.”

“Ah- t-there is no need-” I tried to reply but she pushed me towards their property with little to no strength, just to indicate to me that she wasn’t going to accept my negation so easily.

“Please, I insist.”

I came inside their house and followed her to the kitchen. In my mind I was still trying to get my thoughts together.

"Ayaka was really tired and she just concealed some sleep right now." Said her mother, breaking my bubble once more. "I'm sorry she can't come see you, I'm sure it would make her so happy that you are here." She continued and then put a cup of tea in front of me.

"Thank you." I simply answered. I was still not ready for a conversation with anyone.

"I'm sorry if I'm bothering you too much, or if I'm taking too much of your time but…" She said, and then her tone got a little sad, as if something was worrying her. "We usually don't get visits from Ayaka's friends. So…"

Without even finishing what she wanted to say I knew what it was about. My parents have also asked me on several occasions about my 'friends', which are nothing more than people I've done school assignments with. But that's how parents are, it's their nature to worry about you and your relationships outside the family. So I knew what she was talking about. She wasn't convinced that her daughter and I were friends, it rather was something she was hoping for.

"I'm sorry that I haven't visited when the circumstances are different." I replied, with more confidence now, since I had the feeling that my relationship with my parents was similar to hers.

"Ah, don't worry about it." Said her mother. She recovered her jolly mood after I didn't deny being Tanaka's friend. Even if I didn't admit that I was, it was enough for her that I didn't correct her assumption. "They say that good friends are with you in tough moments, so it really means a lot to me that you came out of your way to bring her those printouts. Thank you very much… oh, that's right. What is your name?"

"Ah, yeah, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Masuda Masato. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Masuda…?" She repeated, it seemed as if my name was ringing a bell. "Masuda-kun from the library?"

"Eh? Ah, yeah. I am also a library assistant, like your daughter."

The smile that was drawn in her face was simply marvelous, it contained all the satisfaction feelings that only parents can feel.

"Thank you very much for treating my daughter so well." She said as she held my hands tightly.

I was surprised at this development, in all the scenarios I played on my head this was not even close to any of them.

“Ayaka has told me a lot about you.” She continued. “She was feeling down because she couldn't be a library assistant just by herself, but I told her that if she gave it a little time she would have seen that working with someone else could be even better than doing all the work alone. However I was also worried that the person working with her would be mean to her. But as the time passed she came home happier than she ever was, and one day she told me that I was right, that the person she was working with was a great one.” She lifted her hands towards her eyes, weeping a tear that came out of them. “I’m so happy that she has found out that there are things in life that you can enjoy more if you have people around you. So thank you, I am truly grateful to you Masuda-kun. Thank you for breaking into my daughter’s fortress and show her the joys of a life shared with friends.”

Her words pierced me like sharp knives, because she was thinking that I was the nice guy in all of this. That I was the one who offered the helping hand. But that was completely wrong, if her daughter never spoke to me the truth is that I would have never spoken to her. It hurted me to realize how awful I truly am, and I wanted, even if it was almost impossible, to actually be at least a fraction of a good person, to do a good deed for her or her daughter.

Caught on those thoughts as I was, I didn't noticed that Tanaka-san was entering the kitchen.

“Oh? Are you feeling better Ayaka?” Asked her mother.

“Y-yes.” She quietly replied.

“Masuda-kun is here to deliver some printouts to you.”

“We s-shouldn’t waste much more of his time, mother. I’m sure he has other things to do.”

“Yeah, you are right.”

“I’ll see him off mother, don’t worry.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I will do it.”

“Well… then, Masuda-kun, it was a pleasure to meet you, please come back anytime you’d like!” Told me her mother with a great smile.

But I couldn’t smile at all, I just stood off my chair and bowed my head to thank her for her hospitality. Then I made my way towards their door to leave their house. Tanaka-san was following me all the way to the exit, and when I opened the door she told me:

“I’m sorry that my mother got the wrong idea. I never told her that we were friends.” She said to me.

Those were the last words that I wanted to hear. However, the tone she had when she said them was completely different to the one I thought it would be. She didn’t sound angry, or disgusted by her mother’s assumption, she sounded as if she was scared that her mother revealed that information, and she said it just as a way to save face or try to not make me mad about it.

“Then I am sorry I had the same wrong idea. I also thought we were friends.” I told her. I didn’t know why I said that but it was all I could say, it was the only thing in my mind.

For my surprise, I couldn’t give even one step outside the door because her hand stopped me, I could feel her shivering, but I couldn’t be sure if it was because of her illness or because of my answer. Then she asked me:

“Really?”

I couldn’t answer even when I knew exactly what she was asking for.

“Do you really think of me… as a friend?” She asked again.

“Yes.” I answered. “I’m not entirely sure that we are friends right now. But I surely want to be your friend.”

She let go of me, then she started sobbing. I got worried about it so I turned to face her and she was indeed about to cry.

“I… I…” She said, in tears. “I also want to… be friends with you. But… but… I have… I have been so rude to you all this time.” She finally gave up, her tears wouldn’t allow her to speak anymore.

“I have also been rude to you, but even then you ignored that and were so kind as to greet me out of nowhere one day. I… I’m sorry for all I’ve done, but… the truth is that I don't think I have the right to ask you to be my friend.”

“Then, isn’t this the perfect time to start again?” Asked her mother, coming to the door to help us. “It might be true that you too have been rude to each other at some point, but is that how things are right now?”

Then I remembered that feeling of wanting to go to the library just so I could greet her there and say goodbye after we finish our day.

“I don’t think things are as they used to be.” Continued her mother. “And there is no point in going too far back to think that you have no right to be each other's friends. Just think about how things are right now, and ask yourselves what is what you really want. Because when it comes to wanting to spend time with the people you like, it is okay to be greedy.”

We looked into each other’s eyes. For the first time in all my life I felt that I was feeling the exact same thing as someone else, we were trying to put the past, and those times trying to do all the work by ourselves in favor of the most recent ones in which we divide it between the two of us.

“My name is Masuda Masato, I will be counting on you from now on.” I finally said when I felt ready to put all of those bad memories behind.

“My name is Tanaka Ayaka. I hope we get along in the future.” She replied.

And just like that, a new chapter in our lives opened up. We were beyond that time in which we saw each other as competition for a position. Now we were both do our best work at it as partners.

No. As friends.