Haven't Learned; Lookin' Forward

Swani showed me an image of a classroom. Four kids, two girls to my left and two boys to my right, were sitting around desks pushed together; all working on something.

*This was the moment,* he said. The moment you introduced yourself to them, because you were all working on a project. You weren't supposed to get close with them.*

I blinked. He showed me another image that was a few months later from the first. The five of us were happily giggling at the karaoke place. The two boys were singing a duet, and I was sitting on the couch, alongside the two girls.

*This was the moment. The moment they asked you to be their friend and hang out with them; you accepted. 'What could go wrong?' you thought. Let me show you.*

"No..." I uttered.

The beginning of my third-year of middle school, before summer break. I could barely see their faces in front of me because my vision was blurry, as if I was underwater. I knew why.

I was crying.

*This was the moment you broke up the group. The four childhood friends you mindlessly joined argued and argued because of you. Tears down your face and uniform all wet, this was when the burdens fell onto us.*

The dam was breaking again.

*You fell from the boat at this moment. You created me to remind you of this moment. You made me so that you would never make the same mistake again. I've been there to help you carry the burdens that are too heavy for us to float to the top. Don't make it all for nothing.*

I blinked rapidly for a couple seconds to wipe away the images from my mind. Brought back to the bathroom of my apartment, I was staring at my own reflection. A tear had glided down my face, sliding past a bruised left cheek that my hand gently caressed.

I remembered what I was doing. I undid the remaining buttons of my school's dress shirt and took it off to expose my bare upper body. I laid the shirt next to my school's blazer – decorated with crimson red from my nose.

That day was the Monday of midterm practice week.

"Swani," I called out, "why did you show me those images...again?"

*Because you haven't learned from your mistakes.*

"How? I denied Ro–– the girl's request to join the club, didn't I?"

*BUT you hesitated to say no! There was a small part of you that wanted to accept her suggestion. I felt it, so I had to show you those images from the past to get you to say no to her.*

Yes, I had denied joining the Environmental club with the girl on the other side of the hedge. The club was responsible for taking care of the school's plant-life. To prevent plants from dying, the club didn't suspend their activities of watering them. The girl told me that the club could stay after school for an extra hour to take care of scheduling and the plants whilst everyone else went home.

Apparently there were two student members in the club. I could confirm one of them, since I sometimes saw a mysterious girl watering the plants at the garden; it wasn't the class representative. The mysterious girl always left after watering, and no one would join me later.

Joining the club meant the girl and I would spend both hours studying at the garden, talking on our own. She would've made an excuse not to join her friends in the library. If I had to give a rational reason for why I denied her, I'd say it would be because she could spend more time with her friends rather than me – a stranger she didn't know. Perhaps she could cozy up to them more and tell them her secret.

Since I denied the suggestion to join the club, we agreed to not meet at the garden so we could focus on our studies. There were exceptions, like the upcoming Friday, and three days of next week; midterms were on Thursday and Friday. I felt uneasy about it, but Swani reassured me that it was okay.

"Buh," I grunted.
I laid on my futon, face up. I held an ice pack to the bridge of my nose.

"Of course the first time I leave school directly after the dismissal bell, I run into those two at the shoe lockers. No teasin' or messin' around, they went straight to the point. Those punches came in without warnin'."
There was no one around the shoe lockers to save me, but this was better. I shouldn't rely on someone else to help me...again.

My knuckles ached again. I left my door ajar, and looked out to the dark, empty apartment. Like the sound of a star dying, it was silent.

"Oh yeah," I said aloud. "I'll be alone all day today. Mom's workin' another double tonight, and Muku's goin' with friends to the Aoi Festival in upper Kyoto. I forgot today was the day they held it."
I stood up.

I took off a poster from my gray wall to reveal a dry red stained section underneath. I didn't always play air-piano when my knuckles hurt, sometimes, when I was alone, I conceded to a less prideful solution. I was hesitant to take off my fingerless glove on my right hand.

*You never used to shilly-shally, don't start now. Just let your rage take over and go for it!*

I took off my glove and followed my own instructions. The anger I felt from today welled up inside me, starting from the heart. My knuckles cracked as I formed a fist, and reeled my arm back to thrust it forward to the wall. This solution wasn't to fix my knuckle's pain... It was to elongate it. I was ashamed.

➼ ➼ ➼

The Tuesday after was practically the same, minus the bullying at the shoe lockers, since I was quicker to leave this time. Dashing out of the school meant I didn't hear a farewell from my classmate with the heterochromatic hair – I didn't really care. My sister was also at the apartment this time, but that didn't change much for me besides playing the air-piano.

➼ ➼ ➼

Wednesday was the same, again. Except as I was leaving the school, I decided to take a different route that went through the library. I caught myself flickering my eyes up at students who walked past me. I was probably hoping for something, but I wasn't sure what it was.

Somethin's wrong, I thought.

I felt something deteriorating inside me. Like a flower slowly withering away due to a lack of water, but I had no clue what the water was.
Why a flower?
Why water?

Flowers needed water everyday, and the water I was searching for had happened only three times, so why was I feeling like I needed it?

*Kiyoshi... don't make me show you again,* Swani...threatened. *You're still not learning.*

I left the library and walked my way to my bike at the front gate. I thought about the images I would be shown.
Fine Swani, show them to me if you want. Once you're done, I can think of another image.

I looked at the stone columns' flowerbeds. The image I'd show myself was far greener and more natural than whatever Swani would show me. That was enough to satisfy me.

For the rest of the day, I didn't talk to Swani.

➼ ➼ ➼

I hadn't spoken to anyone the entire week. No greetings in the mornings or farewells in the afternoons. I shut myself away from everyone as I always did. I ate at the food truck with Muku like I always did. Thursday had passed without incident, when later that night I realized something.

I was looking forward to Friday. Nothing had stopped me from looking forward to Friday. I stared at the clock on my flip-phone until Friday came, and I thought of the hedge.

➼ ➼ ➼

On Friday, when I arrived to homeroom, unusual events began again. It must've been because something was going to change.