No Get-Away Ride for the Mail-Order Bride!

I have a certain knack for interviews and that’s putting it modestly. I have brought tears to millions and made the most revered comedians reach for their inhalers due to my superior sense of humour. This, however, was no normal interview. I was wedged between my potential bride whose name I now knew as Lucy and the woman that Hitchcock forgot, her mother, Mrs Manair. Mummy dearest. Sat opposite us was my kidnapper, Missy Lovett, who talked so casually about the whole situation you would think she had just taken me on a day trip and not into another universe.

From what I could gather, as part of some out of the box scheme to combat the declining birth-rate she ditched the dating pool and headed straight into another ocean…on another planet. She matched all her clients with the perfect candi-date. This was done by extensive observation and a test to see if the individual would perform an act of kindness (thank you Mr Si). Apparently, this act of kindness created a contract of engagement (but not marriage thank God) and supposedly, it was impossible to get out of. I’ll give Missy Lovett one thing she has excellent taste.

It hasn’t quite sunk in that I turned into a mail order bride. I am sure my world is in a frenzy. Candlelight visuals, a national day, no a year of mourning. They would scour the earth to find me. I sighed. But they would not find me.

“Did you hear what I said Miri?” Missy Lovett patted my knee with her love red talons.

I didn’t even shake my head in response. Why should I cooperate?

“I said you and Lucy will be wed in six weeks time.”

That caught my attention.

“You are delusional if you think you can keep me here for another minute let alone six weeks”, I said standing up. I had regained my strength and apparently my senses.

“You have no other choice; you must honour the six-week period” Missy Lovett said softly.

Shaking my head seeping as much acid into my voice as possible “The only honour I’m interested in, is the judge that sentences you to prison.”

It was Mrs Manair’s turn to stand, and she did so violently her voice only managing to come out in a hiss “You egotistical imp! You are extremely lucky. We are one of the most influential families in Archipelago. People would kill for this opportunity.”

I scoffed hard “I have over 8million followers across social media. Plus, I have literally made it on several top influential artists lists countless of times. You can shove your opportunity!”

She was trying to impress me but all it did was bore me. So, they had political power? Presidents had me on speed dial.

“Missy this boy is giving me a headache. I suggest we retire. I think he needs the night to realise his position.”

They made to leave.

Anger filled me. How dare she ignore me?”

“Listen lady, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to stay put. You need to send me home now. You will be punished. I hope you like jewellery because you and your entire pack of rats are going to be getting some shiny new bracelets accompanied with chains and steel bars.

She started laughing this infuriated me more.

“You stole one of the most influential people of all time. My fans worship me. There will be hell to pay. Send me back now.”

She and Missy Lovett stopped outside the doorway she flicked her wrist and bars descended. Bright pink beams weaving in and out of each other sealing me inside the apartment.

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I was concentrating so hard on potential escape plans I only remembered someone else was in the room by the sound of shuffling. Lucy was trying to recede further and further into the couch. But I understood. I was sure that Lucy was intimidated. Which is understandable as prettier girls had fainted at a further distance.

It was hard to approach someone so frighteningly perfect. That’s why I had the humble persona I used for fans who found themselves in these situations. It was time to utilize it. I needed an ally here.

I relaxed my muscles and unclenched my jaw. I grinned lopsidedly (the girls went crazy for that) I placed my hand softly on hers. She looked up at me in awe…

Thwack! My hand was slapped off. Maybe it was a mistake…that has never happened before.

“Don’t even think about coming any closer otherwise Ill knock you right back into your world you creep”, she bared her teeth, which I noticed had a slight point on the canines.

I could feel my eyes widen painfully wide from the shock. I fought to regain control of my expressions. Surely, she was playing hard to get…

I started nonchalantly, “Please do. I want to go home. No offence, but you’re not exactly my type. Plus, I’m more of a casual dater.”

Her eyes narrowed to a slit. Perfect. So, begins her desperately trying to get my approval.

The water hit my face hard bruising my delicate skin. Lucy put the glass calmly back on the table like she didn’t just commit blasphemy.

She looked me directly in the eyes, “I don’t care who you were in your last world. Here you are nothing. You’re just a pretty face. You would do well to remember that.”

With that she stood up and left.

Boy was she delusional.

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I was shown to my room which was just off the living room we were in. It wasn’t exactly up to my standards. In fact, it was a bit gaudy. The colours clashed horrifically; oranges, reds and blues were just thrown haphazardly around the place. Gold seemed to underline all the ugly details and screamed desperation.

Placed on the bed was something so bright it reflected the dark wooden bedframe.

I held up the fashion monstrosity that were my pyjamas; holding them out in front of me to get a better look.

The fashion here was a bit strange something you’d see at an experimental theatre attempting to contemporise Shakespeare.

The set was made from an electric blue silk. The shirt was lacking an essential…. buttons. But one thing it was not lacking, was ruffles. I stared into a mirror and an overstuffed fancy box of tissues stared back.

I made my way into bed hoping this fever dream would end.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

When I awoke, I was not thrown by the fact it was my first morning in another world rather, I was more startled that there was no sunlight. There were multiple windows in the room, each with their curtains thrown wide open by the maid. But only thing that trickled in was a synthetic orange haze.

I padded my way to the window entranced by this discovery. I was right, of course, there was no sun in the sky, there was no moon either. (I guess I was the only star here) Large orbs were suspended in the air each emitting vast amounts of light.

A similar motif was continued in the flora. The trees and grass all had a plastic sheen to them. It would have been a beautiful garden if all the roses hadn’t been spray painted on.

Backing away from the window I resolved myself to leaving by any means possible.

A suit of red silk and enough frills to even test my looks, was laid out for me.

I put it on hastily. Only checking in the mirror briefly before starting on my escape.

The bars were no longer there to my pleasant surprise. I burst out the door and skidded onto the hallway. I thundered down the stairs the echoes of my footsteps were thrashed viciously along the walls. I didn’t care if they heard me…the front doors were in sight.

Leaping down the last few steps I reached out my hands to grasp my salvation and throw it open.

But all I let in was darkness.

My stomach sunk. What I was staring at was impossible. But it was true there was nothing. I staggard backwards. This was the front door…I saw the outside from the window…how could there be nothing.

The doors slammed shut the banging sound rivalling the roaring in my head. I looked up to see the apparition of Mrs Manair.

“How foolish can one person be?” she tutted.

I couldn’t find any words. I have never been lost for words.

“Never touch this door again.”

“Where…where is it? The outside…where is it?”

“It’s gone.”

She took a step closer.

“The mists have decided, the stars have gone out. Thus, the gateway is closed.”