Funeral

Mom cried so much that her eyes were swollen red.

I wouldn't know for sure though, because I was also sobbing my eyes out. The oldest daughter in the family had passed away in a road accident. It wasn't big enough to be shown on the news and wasn't even investigated much by the police. Saeko was about to cross the road and the driver didn't notice the red light. He wasn't even drunk.

The only one in our family who remained somewhat calm was Dad. I remembered a strange thing he used to say.

"The head of the family is a pillar. He cannot fall apart." Everyone else could break down and would always have time to rest and heal, but not Father. He has to take care of the expenses, and paperwork and also stop Mom from crying herself to sickness. Our Father is a strong man; his eyes looked empty and soulless, but he did not let any tears fall out.

Eventually, though, people started to leave. First, Saeko's classmates left, then the colleagues and the neighbours. One by one, some out of politeness, to let the family mourn properly and some, in a hurry to reach their next event for the day.

"Don't let it affect you too much, Souma." One of Dad's colleagues spoke to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Saeko was a good daughter to your family. She wouldn't want her little brother to keep mourning forever."

That's right. Slowly, but surely, everyone had to move on. Had to forget.

Now that the hall was starting to get empty, I finally noticed him. One guy around my age stood in a corner, sadly staring at the picture. He didn't come with anyone else. He didn't even talk to us and just stood there. It was sort of annoying because I couldn't make out what business he had here and yet he looked as if it was his sister.

We made eye contact for a second and he immediately looked away. Who is he? I thought but didn't pay it much mind. At least he wasn't showing any fake pity like everyone else. At least he actually looked sad over Saeko's passing.

I was distracted enough by the realization that my sister would never return home. By the time his presence could start to bother me, he was already gone. It wasn't important anyways.

The rest of the day passed unbearably slow.

I turned fifteen in June and Saeko would remain twenty since this September; forever. Truth be told, we weren't close at all. When she was busy with college exams, I didn't bother her and when I got busy with tests, she didn't bother me. We had this simple understanding, that Mom and Dad would always interfere with our lives. "Where are you going at this hour?" or "Have you eaten?" and "Don't mix up with suspicious people." At least we siblings shouldn't bother.

My classmates often complained about their older sisters bullying them, or younger brothers fighting and pulling pranks. But me and Saeko never had those disagreements.

I liked fried chicken, crackers and soda. I'd never seen her eat any of those from my share. What did she even like? I don't know, because just like many people called her, Saeko was a good girl. She wouldn't complain about vegetables, didn't pick out bell peppers or peas. I remember because Mom would tell me to learn from her.

She also never fussed about money or caused any trouble at school. She never wanted anything expensive and didn't have many personal things in her room. Saeko never did anything that stood out.

Maybe, blending in so smoothly was the special thing about her. But I really don't know.

Today, I can't go back and ask her. What did she eat for lunch? Does she really like bell peppers or swallowed them somehow? What is her favourite colour? Did she have good friends or did she have a crush on anyone? I want to know it all and it is impossible now.

We returned home by taxi.

We were silent throughout the ride. Maybe the driver noticed our grief but turned off the radio when we got inside the car. I couldn't really see Dad's face because he was in the front seat, but Mom stared out of the window occasionally avoiding my eyes.

We quietly entered our home.

I stared at the walls in her room. A picture of the four of us, a souvenir from her school trip to Kyoto and a keychain I won at the summer festival. There were no manga on her shelves. I lifted the mattress to look under it and checked under the bed, and behind her desk. I checked all the places where maybe she was hiding something embarrassing. There was nothing hidden in those corners either.

I frantically looked through her books, her bag, her computer... Nothing.

I don't know anything. I don't know anything at all! Anything would be fine... I collapse and fall back on her bed, staring at the ceiling. I didn't feel like crying anymore, instead, my head was full of frustration. How can a person leave behind nothing?

But Saeko was never like anyone else I had met.

The rest of the world was illogical and annoying many times. But Saeko only ever interfered when I actually wanted her to. How did she read my mind like that?

Deciding any more of this would be pointless, I slowly got up. Giving one final glance to her room, it looked lifeless just like it's owner. The last time I saw her, she was smiling sitting on her desk. "What does my dear little brother want?" I didn't really want anything, so I said nothing and left. I should've said something.

I walked out of the room and closed the door. I breathed out loudly and felt a soreness in my throat. I really cried too much, huh? My eyes and head all hurt. I paced down the stairs to see my parents lurking around the dining table. They didn't notice my presence even when I walked inside the room.

Mom started to move towards the fridge. "I don't feel like eating. Please." I said and stopped her.

"Souma-" Mom began but hesitated. She didn't know what to say because she hadn't made any food, so she couldn't really ask me to eat. It was silly of her to think we'd expect her to cook in such circumstances. Dad picked it up from there. "Souma, you should go to school tomorrow."

I didn't reply and he sighed. "This is hard for all of us, Souma. This was just so sudden... But try going to school, okay? If you don't feel well then come back. I'll stay with Mom, so try and cheer up, alright?" He tried to smile but gave up. What would even be the point of smiling?

"Do you want me to forget her?"

They didn't respond to that but it's obvious. They didn't want me crying around in the house. I knew it, they thought I was moping around but that was not true. I just... didn't know where to go on. I needed some kind of direction, some kind of purpose. I am lost.

"What was my dream, before all this happened?" I asked in a quiet voice. "What did I want to be?" Mom immediately breathed in harshly and covered her face with her hands. Did I make her cry again? But she stopped crying just a while ago. "Mom, Dad, did I have any goals? Something I wanted to do?"

Either I was just aimless from the start, or maybe I never told them. That's why they didn't have an answer. Right now, I want to distract myself, and I'm sure Mom and Dad want me to do the same. But what can I distract myself with?

I can't even ask her anymore. How would Saeko respond? Maybe something like, 'Come on, figure it out yourself. You can do it!' But Sister, I'm lost. Mom and Dad are sad and I can't make them smile without you. There's no food on our table without you. I don't know what to do with myself. Why did you have to leave?

"I'm sorry," I abruptly said and ran back to my room. I breathed in and out a couple of times to calm my nerves. That was bad, I shouldn't have just run like that. I sighed again. Why did you have to leave like this, Saeko?