072 – Memories of the Lost (2)

I ran away.

How have I become such a coward? I can't even look my sister in her eyes after all those years that I haven't seen her. It was supposed to be the reunion that I was looking for; I should be really happy… but why was I so afraid?

I know to myself that I have so many things that I wanted to say to her. I want to cry; I want to embrace her. Even I want to go back to my family now. But it is not that I don't know why I was so afraid. In contrast, I knew so well why. I have become some kind of a monster of my own self. These two years, I merely just started to change from the brutal and violent "Seijirou" that I became. Because of that, my will still wavered, and my mind was set that I can never face my family anymore after what has happened to me. I was still clouded with fear after everything.

I ran away, and ran even farther.

▪ ▪ ▪

"Mrs. Clara. I have a lot of work to do with my colleagues so I may not be around most of the time. I might not use my room by then."

That was just an excuse for me to run.

Immediately after Amano visited with Senna to help out in the orphanage, I planned to keep myself away from there even if not every single time. Whenever they will visit, I will just pretend to abruptly greet them and step out. But all I was doing was going down to the underground base and reflect over it. But even if I have regretted time and time again, it was difficult for me to swallow a hard pill and become his brother again.

"I see you're here again and you look exhausted as usual, Seijirou. Want some hot choco?"

"I'll just go with tea… I need to relax from the tension…"

Every time I run to the base, I will almost immediately land down to the couches and sit hopelessly alone. There is no denying that the other Exiles are very supportive without knowing my circumstances as they try to cheer me up whenever I go down with a forlorn face. It just so happened that Rion Arisugawa spotted me while she stood, watching, with a cup of hot dark chocolate on her hand, which is her relish.

"How's life in here, Rion?"

"It's as you always expect. Things here are lively in its own way. You're really visiting a lot these days, but you just don't seem very cheerful when I see you."

"Hahh… I really hate myself for not being able to face my family…"

"Family…? Do you mean your blood-tied family?"

"Yes…"

"Isn't that good, then? If you're separated with them, then you can be reunited!"

"It's not as easy when I became someone who almost killed someone… What I did was weighing down on me, and my younger sister coming to the orphanage isn't helping. Even I get scared when seeing her."

"You're really such a crybaby, Seijirou."

"Now you're nagging…?"

"You should cherish your family even if they are or not entirely related to you by blood! You want to see your family again, and yet you're here running away as if you're getting separated from them again!

Come on, straighten up that spine of yours if you actually have one!"

"Alright, alright… I get that you're simply calling me a coward without even hesitating, but I don't really understand a lot of the things you're telling me."

"…"

She closely stared with wide eyes and slightly frowning eyebrows.

"W-What… Did I say something stupid?"

"Hey… You really don't understand…?"

"Well, I did, but not everything."

"…!"

With an expression of incredible disappointment, she landed the palm of her left hand to my back with so much force that it reverberated loudly prior to my desperate coughs and heaving.

"What was that about…?!"

"Well, I guess us Exiles really have a little problem with our lack of knowledge. But I was expecting that you would at least know, Seijirou.

Also, do you even know that I have a brother?"

"E-Eh…? You have?"

"You should have known him already! He's Taketo."

"Oh, Taketo, huh… I heard that he was a victim of the Medical Children program? Man, must be nice that you have someone in this base that you have blood relation."

*whack*

"Again…! Why?!"

"You really are an idiot! Stupid…!" she childishly exclaimed. "Do you even realize that we're actually not related by blood? Seijirou, are you seriously hung up on the thought that a family is only bound by blood ties? Don't you even realize for yourself that those people in the orphanage are family to you?

You really are an idiot for taking a family as a shallow thing!"

I became honest to myself, as I was a little struck. Instead of bringing up another argument, I sat still and just kept my mouth shut.

"Taketo and I are alike. We are children who doesn't even know the face of our parents, or even know if we have siblings. I grew up as a pickpocket who only lives by the money I steal; and then Taketo's life nearly ended when he turned six years old.

We both came to this base at an early age and spent our whole life growing here. With all those years, I came to love him as a younger brother—as a family. Our age is six years apart, and he even said to me that I was like a sister to him. That made me realize that everyone in this base is family to me; and I just didn't feel it immediately. You know that many here are seeking for belongingness since we are thrown away like trash by the world, and that is why having everyone satisfying each other's loneliness is a very nice thing. I came to love everyone here and myself because I know that we are people who share the same sentiments—perhaps having a common denominator as Exiles.

That, Seijirou, is what a family means to me."

She then, surprisingly, nudged my head towards hers as she also tilts hers to mine, coming closer to one another. I felt a very gentle warmth that I am absolutely sure that I remember.

I slowly stood up having such a pleasant sensation, and placed my hand on Rion's head. I knew that I was still wearing a forlorn face, but I faced back to her nonetheless and weakly uttered a few words.

"I'll see you soon."

From that moment, I began trying to stop running away.

▪ ▪ ▪

However many times I have resolved myself to face Senna head on, it was still incredibly difficult. But after Rion somewhat scolded me, I came to the base less and less because the reason I came there was just because to escape my own asphyxiation.

I however managed to become close to her with the help of Amano's indirect mediation. I was finally able to close the distance we had, and somehow, I felt like I was a brother again.

A few months have passed and I have seen that Amano and Senna are always coming to visit the orphanage together. Because of that, I developed a small habit of teasing the two of them with my incessant yammering. I was at that point when I was starting to realize that there is really something going on between them even if they haven't realized it yet.

At one time, Senna came to the orphanage by herself.

"Senna, good afternoon. You're not with Amano today?"

"He's still in campus. I went ahead, but he may not make it for today, though."

"I see. So college really is busy, huh."

"Yes… I'm a little stressed out."

"Seeing the children is your stress reliever, right?"

"Yep…!"

It was still more than an hour before sundown, and so we watched the other children play along with Mrs. Clara's daughter, who in that time is growing fast.

"…

Feels like a family, don't you think?" I asked, as we are sitting on the porch in front of the yard.

"Hmm…"

"I mean the orphanage and the children. Don't you think that this place is housing a big family of dozens?"

"Y-Yes… Seeing how happy they are, it really appears like it.

…

You see, Yuka Seijirou, I am actually feeling a little empty when I hear that."

"W-Why…?"

"Because it feels like… No. It is because my family is incomplete."

"…

If it's okay… can I ask what happened?"

I am a liar.

"It happened when I was still a child. Maybe… eight or nine years ago. Our family was driving to the mountains of Cotona for a vacation trip, but a downpour suddenly came. We were hit by a truck, apparently intentionally, and of all the people… it was my brother that flew out of the car and fell down the mountain cliff."

"Don't tell me… did your brother…"

(!)

"NO!!! Don't say any more… He is alive… I know it… He was never found from where he could have fallen on. I will not believe that he died at that time. Even if my parents have already given up on looking for him after all those hopeless years… I will not. I admired him for the courage he gave me… that's why I am using the courage that he gave me to do what I wish—and search for him."

"…

I know that you will find him at some point in time," I abruptly added. "I was also someone who lost my family before I became a teenager. Losing my family felt like losing everything for me. Our biggest difference however is that I didn't even try to search for them when I am already capable of doing it. I was scared, in the end.

What you're doing is really amazing and admirable, Senna. That courage that you have… I hope that it will lead to something good."

"I really hope…

Thank you, Yuka Seijirou."

"…? For what?"

"For being like a brother to me…"

Something in me that it was time to finally tell her the truth. It was as though there was a voice encouraging me and cheering me on to finally confess everything.

I was so close to telling her, and embracing her… But it was not that easy to let myself be happy and let go of the fear I had of myself, therefore I stopped.

I felt the hard throb in my heart extremely apparently. My breathing became shallow while I failed to greatly refuse to let out my tears.

"Are you crying…?"

"…Hahaha. Yeah, I really am.

Hahh… for being a sister to me, is it weird to tell you that I love you and Amano?"

"…!

No, not at all. I'm also glad to have a wonderful brother like you."

"Ahahaha. We're really embarrassing ourselves, are we?"

"Pfft… really."

…

"Now that it's out of the way…

Senna, you're actually in love with Amano, aren't you?"

"…! I thought we're already through with this…!" Senna childishly complained. "Why're you asking again when I've already told you that we're just friends…?!"

"Even if it's actually the case, are you or are you not? I'm not the most observant person in the world, but your closeness shows something even if it doesn't have intimacy. You know, Amano is a really good guy, Senna."

"I already know that…" she uttered so weakly that I nearly did not hear it.

"I love Amano… but I'm scared of what will happen if I admit it. Even if our feelings are mutual which is unlikely, I don't think our parents will allow us immediately. I'm also scared that something might change between us…"

"Of course there will be unavoidable changes to you two if that happens…"

"Which is…?"

"…Your relationship status, that is."

"Waaahhhhh…! I'm being serious here, you dummy!"

"Maybe your surname will also change eventually?"

"You're not even listening…!"

"Ahahahaha…! No, really. I think you two will just be fine. Amano has a big heart and a sense of responsibility. His character is really admirable compared to the things I have done when I was in your age. He's an enemy of delinquents."

"You were a delinquent…?"

"Something like that. I used to get into street fights because I wasn't really a good orphan."

"You reeeaaally don't look like one…" she unconvincingly stared.

"Anyone can be given an opportunity to change, you know?

Well, anyway! Are you going to tell him your feelings?"

"You make it sound so easy…!" Senna, in annoyance, hit my shoulder. "You speak as if you've already did that!"

"…"

I facepalmed and said, "That's stupid of me…"

I was hit on the head with full force.

▪ ▪ ▪

Hilarious.

I really found it hilarious that my stupid chaffing on my sister and Amano paid me back quicker than I expected. Later after that serious to goofy conversation I had with her, I realized my own feelings, and for Rion, that is.

It was amazing how she, as someone who had nothing other than to steal when she was a child is now using her past straightforward and rather wild character as a motivation to the other Exiles and especially to me. I was honestly a little discouraged in the orphanage because the ambiance is rather solemn every time, and it was a nice change of pace to have Rion, as lively as she is near me. My word, it is sounding like I am becoming a shadow for her while she is my sun at this point.

Nonetheless, I directly told my love for her.

I think I have never been so happy in my life when she uttered her reciprocation to my feelings. It took me by a big surprise that she didn't wear her usually cheeky expressions, as instead she let out an uncharacteristically gentle smile. I was not expecting it in the slightest, but I thought that it really suited her well, and that she should smile like that more often.

I genuinely thought that I was back to being a human before I was a monster. Rion requested to step out of the base after the many years of not seeing her loathed outside world. She was indeed scared at first, but I finally figured out her reasons for coming out. Rion wanted a new view of the world—not as the one that brought her pain, but a world where she can be granted happiness. Even I was able to take a big step forward and introduced myself once again to the base with my real name.

…

I think I have never been so happy in my life when she said "yes" after offering a ring to her. Eventually and gladly, we married and lived a life in the base.

But of course, it was not easy to tell even my own sister, who at that point is already dating Amano, that I already have a wife. Or rather, I have failed to tell her for the whole of my life. Mrs. Clara's intuition however did not fail to see through my marriage. In the end, Senna never had an idea about it, and those who knew were only Mrs. Clara and Amano, as I eventually told him my identity.

Speaking of that, I truly regretted that I didn't get to attend my sister's marriage. I was supposed to be the best man of the groom and I even had an expert craftsman in the base to carve out five brooches made from pure silver for me to use. I was not able to give him one of the brooches as a gift to him. Of all the times, I fell ill and had to stay on the orphanage. But still, my will was so weak that it took me some time to congratulate them.

~ ~ ~

Come the last year of the century, and my daughter was born. We were needless to say over the moon with having a child…

But the world really is not as kind as we think it is. I didn't know that Yukihime will be my only child, and that I had to be away from my family most of the time as I was diagnosed with colon cancer in April of 2001. And apparently, I only have a few months of my life.

I hated myself and regretted that my daughter will grow without a father with her. It was so saddening that I only have a limited time with my family, and I don't even know how I will seize my final days with them. But thankfully, the thought of being rained down with the rare disease never got on my mind. I didn't think that I was disgraced for having such an illness and dying without choice.

But most likely… I may have given in to despair.

▪ ▪ ▪

"Eijiro… It's been a while…"

"Don't look so glum, Take. You're the Exiles' head now so you really have to support everyone in the base."

It has been so long since I last met and talked with Taketo, who is now the leader of the base. Even I didn't actually like that we had to meet again while I am on a hospital bed.

"…

Anyway, I heard that you're going to have a child. A girl, or a boy?"

"It's just been a month when we discovered, you know."

"I see. Well, it's nice for you to have a wife from the outside. I'm not questioning your decisions, but I just think that it's a little early for you to become a parent. Talk about marrying and having a child at the age of 22. I had mine when I was 26, you know.

Oh, right. Have you seen Yukihime already?"

"A few times. She really got a lot of Ane Rion's characteristics."

"And now that I think about it… my sister is also having her second child. Maybe her and your child can get along in the future being the same age and all."

"I wonder about that."

"Man… I really wish that I will still have my eyes open when Senna's child is born."

"Are you really… dying, Eijiro…?"

"I already know that I will never get to see the next year, but I really hope that even for a moment, I want to see the child."

"You're really going to give up just like that…?"

"You know, Take. I didn't hate this disease, nor did I like it, obviously. Perhaps I have already given up my life, but I never believed that this illness was brought by fate or that I was destined to die like this. I think it just so happened that I got this disease and nothing more to that.

But I've been thankful for this life, although short. I was able to correct my grave mistakes and lived how I wish to be."

"There's no way that you have no regrets…"

"I am already regretting so much. But I'll make sure that I will not pile up any more of them. At some point, I will have to tell my sister, but I really can't imagine how much she will be hurt. My brother-in-law kept a promise that the truth shall only come from me.

Take, there's no way that I can check all of my boxes anymore."

▪ ▪ ▪

In between the duration of six months, my body had gotten significantly weaker, but it did not stop me from telling Senna the whole truth, and that Seijirou is actually Eijiro Kurogane, her blood brother. I was extremely afraid that telling her the truth will affect her pregnancy as her emotions were stirred up. But thankfully, October safely came, at least for her.

I found out that their child is going to be my second nephew, a boy, as I really had to inquire Amano about it. I can't bear not to know as my life had gotten incredibly shorter. He visits more often than when I call for him to the point that it was almost annoying me. It will be very embarrassing if Amano got to see what I was doing in my last days. Thank goodness that the nurse was quick to hiding my canvas and letters.

But then again, I wondered if Senna actually agreed to name him "Gin".

~ ~ ~

"So that was what you're going to do with the papers you asked me for, Mr. Kurogane. Please have some rest as you just finished your painting…"

"No, no. My nephew is going to be born in a few days, so I figured that I should give letters to all of my family… and even for Gin."

"You are such an enthusiastic person, Mr. Kurogane. You've been the greatest patient I have tended to."

"Ahahahaha. I'm quite flattered to hear that. But thank you, really. I might have bitten the dust earlier if you're not here."

"I should be the one who's flattered…!"

~ ~ ~

"'I hope you're doing great right now. There will be times where pain is only there and it feels like there is no happiness. There may be despair surrounding you every time, but I know that you will overcome those obstacles…

With whatever experience that you will gain, especially if it is painful, please don't think of it as something that bound you to some kind of fate. You are the only one that can make your own life…'

…

I'll scrap this…"

All of the letters that I have written for everyone—the orphanage, my family and even to my parents were sent to them except for the one that I wrote for Gin. For the last time, I called out to Amano to my room.

"Here's one last letter that I will give you, Amano."

"You've already given me a letter…"

"It's for Gin."

"…!"

"Please do me a favor and give that to him once he's already aware of what the world truly is… or just hand that out if you think of a time that will suit this best. In any case, I have said all the things I want to say. At the very least, I am entrusting my sister to you."

"Is it really going to come this soon…?"

"For me, it's not 'soon'. Amano, this time that I have had is more than enough for me to die with happiness even in the face of regrets.

You see, my will is not really that strong to fight this battle, so I hope that Gin will grow with a strong heart. Sadly, Amano… I don't think he will grow like me since I don't want him to be weak like I am."

"I promise, brother… I will raise him and Kei to be someone that is strong… even if it is going to take me years."

"Hahaha, don't say that. I know that you're capable enough as a father."

▪ ▪ ▪

October 27, 2001.

I witnessed the birth of Gin through a glass that bounded me from even letting a small touch. But I was not regretting, as I am confident that my canvas will be found someday. With just that, I am already content.

What a coincidence, I thought. I, for one, inspired to name him Gin, and he was born with silver hair for reasons that may never be explained. Having that hair however doesn't make him special, at least to my eyes. But I guess that that "nonsensical" hair is something that will make him Gin.

I came back to my room and nodded with a big smile to the nurse, who replied similarly. Though, I was really surprised to see him cry when I lied down on the bed.

My wishes have been fulfilled even if I still have many regrets. I was incredibly thankful that I was able to see Gin on his first cry. I guess that I was also some kind of nonsense, as my gut feeling tells me that I made some kind of a connection, and that I am so fond of him even if I only saw him for just one time.

…

Perhaps… the nurse cried in the room while he deafeningly listened to the continuous beeping on the monitor.

And so… it all ends.

.

.

.

Ahh… I still… want to be with them more…

▪ ▪ ▪

"HAGH…!

…

Hah… Haa… Hahh…"

I woke up with tears that were extremely comparable to that of a waterfall as I apparently cried so much in my sleep. I was for some reason lacking the sense of time, and I was extremely confused.

Immediately, I gazed upon my phone and looked at the current date and time. I was surprised to see that it was the 19th of October and not the 27th… not in 2001 either. Even I asked myself why that is. And…

"Why… Why do I have these memories…?"

My name… is Gin Sakato.

Chapter Message:

It's still Friday somewhere in the world, right? Right…?

3 hours of sleep can throw some hands.

Thank you for reading!

Next

073: Even in death, your will lives on.