Re:Graduate

“THREE!”

My hands steadied in anticipation.

“TWO!”

I inhaled.

“ONE!”

Graduation caps flew in the air and the crowd cheered before me. I stood still, flexed into position with a phone in each hand — recording a video on one, snapping pictures on the other.

Flying hats casted shadows over sun-warmed pines. Students shared glowing laughter in their matching gowns, sashes, eyebags. Seeing happiness in all these familiar faces even lifted my spirits. However, the melancholy returned as my attention was drawn to the huge white banner draped behind them:

Nursing Class of 2023.

I exhaled, and the graduates dispersed. One of the girls in a gown and cap walked towards me.

“How’d they turn out?”

“Great!” I replied, “I love the sash.”

“Thanks! I see it matches your dress shirt,” she beamed with the golden sash in her hands. Then her smile slightly faded as she glanced away. “I’m sorry you couldn’t graduate with us.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry you have to be a bedside nurse.”

“Pfft. I hate you.”

“GUYS!” someone yelled. “PICTURE WITH SMOKEY!!!”

I turned to see nursing graduates swarm a poor man in a bear costume. I bet it would’ve looked like hell through a heat-tracing camera.

“Come join the mascot photo!” my friend urged.

“You guys take one first.”

She opened her mouth as if to say something, but stared at me pityingly instead.

“It’s fine,” I insisted, “I’ll join later.”

“Alright.”

Despite her departure, the warmth of her sympathy remained. I watched in amusement as she elbowed her way through nursing grads while others waited their turn on the sidelines.

Suddenly, familiar voices began talking behind me. They were my other friends.

“When’s our next monthly hangout?”

“We should do it before Michelle and Ashley move back to Europe.”

“Monday then?”

“I’ll post it in the group chat.”

Ouch. A hangout I wasn’t invited to, and a group chat I wasn’t in. My default expression was locked into a smile for the joyous event, even though the FOMO made my innards grimace.

Did they even notice I was there? We just took pictures together. Maybe they thought I was invited already. Or maybe it’s an open invite.

I guess I’ll say something.

Before I made the one-eighty, a girl caught my eye. Amongst the plethora of proud parents was a familiar face. She stood still, flexed into position with a phone in each hand — recording a video on one, snapping pictures on the other. When the families began to scatter, I walked past my friends and called out her name.

“...Seri?”

“Huh?”

The girl whipped her head around until our eyes met. She had black hair and dark brown irises that blended in with everyone else’s, but her light floral sundress shone like a beacon in the sea of dark grad wear.

“Ah! Uh, you’re…” she squinted at me.

“Sunny,” I replied.

“…who?”

“…I think we were in the same nursing class.”

“Ah, I recognise your face. No one calls me Seri anymore.”

“Seri’s not your real name?”

Seri clicked her tongue in response. “No, she’s the main character from a TV drama. We were in the same class, and you don’t know my name?”

“We were in a class of three hundred students… hey, you didn’t know mine either!”

“Where’s your gown?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“No, but seriously. Where’s your gown? You’re not graduating?”

I shook my head. “No. I guess you’re not either?”

Seri’s smile cooled a couple degrees, and her eyes drifted away. “I took a year off. I’m guessing you did too?”

“Yeah.”

I followed her bittersweet gaze around the venue. People we used to study and share our daily lives with wore matching gowns without us. Their eyes twinkled with laughter that came from the gut. By contrast, Seri’s eyes weren’t smiling like her mouth was. Did I look like that too?

“We’re living in a different world…” Seri muttered.

For some reason, that statement didn’t sound so sad. It took a moment before I realised why.

We. That’s what she had said. Right now, there was someone else who felt the same way I did. It just occurred to me that I’d been missing that feeling for a long time.

“Hey Seri?”

“Yeah?”
“What’s your plan then? With life and stuff.”

“I’m transferring to the biology program.”

“…Ohh.”

“Yeah, and I’m hoping to get into pharmacy after two years.”

“Ohhhhhh!”

I’m sure some heads turned in the venue. I wasn’t used to controlling my volume since I rarely raised it.

“Are you okay? Is this a stroke?”

“That’s the same thing I’m doing!” I exclaimed.

Her eyebrows slowly shifted from scrunched in concern to widened in surprise.

“Pharmacy?”

“Yeah! And I’m taking English and Math this summer.”

Seri gaped at me. “No. Way.”

“What?”

“I need the same courses,” she said softly. “Wait, are you serious?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Seri!”

A guy in a grad gown interrupted us. I didn’t know his name, but he seemed familiar. He reached a hand towards Seri.

“How did the pic-”

“Here,” Seri shoved the phone into his palm. “I took a million, you pick.”

“O-okay. I was gonna ask if-”

“Later,” she replied without breaking eye contact with me. “Sunny, come with me.”

Seri grabbed my wrist with her newly freed hand and pulled me towards a thinner portion of the crowd. Then she turned to face me like a whole new person, pumping her arms as she spoke.

“Let’s register for courses together!”

My earlier excitement was dwarfed by her gleaming grin. She was a lighthouse.

“S-sure…” I agreed.

“Wait a sec.” She quickly scrolled through her phone and pulled up a list. “Here, read this.”

“What’s this?”

“Read it!!”

“O-okay.”

It was a list titled “To-Do.”

1: Apply for biology. 2: Register for courses. 3: Buy textbooks.

Pretty standard. These were things we both needed for school.

4: Find the optimal study location. 5: Wake up at six every morning. 6: Study an hour before and after each class.

The items began to resemble a New Year’s resolution list. I looked at her, and she looked back expectantly.

“Did…you want to check this list off together?” I guessed.

“We can totally do it!”

“This seems a little much for me…”

“It’s totally do-able!”

“But really? Six in the morning?”

“Pleaaase!!” she begged. “I’ve tried so incredibly hard to get my life back together… but none of my friends want to do it with me! They just play games together until two in the morning. It’s way too lonely changing my life all by myself.”

“Uh…”

“It’ll be fun! I promise!”

I quickly skimmed through the rest of the list. There were a variety of items that covered all aspects of life. Health goals like drinking water and working out. Academic goals like flashcards and study schedules. There were also a multitude of personal goals like running marathons, planting trees, and travelling to Europe. It was the bucket list.

97: Three servings of fruit per week. 98: At least an A-minus in every course. 99: Get accepted into the pharmacy program…

The final item on the list caught me by surprise.

100: Get married and start a family.

“Ah,” Seri said. “Ignore that last one.”

“That’s a huge jump from getting into pharmacy.”

“Well, I figured getting into pharmacy will be the hardest part. Everything afterwards is pass-fail, so it should be easy.”

“That’s a bold take. What about things like finding a boyfriend, and moving out?”

“The list was getting kind of long, and those things led to marriage and kids anyways…”

“You’re not wrong, but…”

“But?” She bit her lip.

I sighed and slowly scrolled back up the list. They were Seri’s hopes and dreams… I haven’t had any since I dropped out of nursing.

“That’s not it!” Seri grabbed my hands with such an intensity that I dropped her phone.

Whoops, I said that out loud.

“I’m asking you to share mine!” she declared. Her palms were soft, but her grip was as firm as her voice. “We can share those dreams! Our goals are pretty much the same anyways, aren’t they? It’ll be fun!”

“I’m not so sure about everything… but at least I’d like to study together.”

“Well at least think about it?”

“I will.”

A smile lit up from the corners of her lips to the sun reflected in her glistening eyes.

In the venue packed to the brim with graduating nurses, the two of us were enveloped by discussions of licensing exams and job line-ups. Everyone was being congratulated on their successes and planning monthly get-togethers. Normally, this kind of setting makes my stomach churn… but today, for the first time, my failures weren’t on my mind.

I was occupied by the shining brown irises and flushed face in front of me; the girl who seemed to share in my catharsis. At that moment, we were probably thinking the same thing.

We won’t have to re-do university alone.