A Troubled Soul

On the way to Minetaka-sensei, I bumped into my favourite senpai in the world. Satou Kazumi. She was a model. In fact, I don’t know why our school had so many good-looking women around? The density must be insane. Perhaps the highest in the nation? Or at least Aichi Prefecture. Kazumi was not a dimwit either. She was also the current president of the student council with a modelling job. A real Mary Sue. Her position was safe in the next elections.

I could say what she looked like and describe it to you - but I’m going to let you imagine.

Also, my next-door neighbour. We’ve seen each other at our worst. Yet… we don’t speak in school often. I mustered up any confidence to talk to her. She did it for me.

“Fukaze-kun. Don’t you have to talk with Minetaka?”

“How’d you know?”

“Word gets around.” She said smugly whilst looking at her phone.

“Yeah… guess I’ll see you later slurping noodles whilst watching some K-Drama.”

“Whatever.” She said dismissively.

“Great then, I guess?”

This is just an example of our typical interaction in school. Yeah… my favourite senpai for a reason. I think you would be surprised at what happens at home. She screams playing Valorant from, always, 18:00 to 22:00 PM. Personally? She needs someone to support her slump and sleep lifestyle, outside of school and work.

I briskly entered the castle that was Wing B of Block A. Strange name. I do think the naming logic works. The nomenclature was consistent or whatever it’s called. Anyways. I entered the imposing fortress. Dead set on the route to the prison and to the thick of it. Science Staffroom #2. Yeah, we had a big school. The thin walls of the classroom barely masking the laughter of the students who hadn’t left for home yet or go to their clubrooms. As for me? I just wanted to get this meeting over and done with.

When you’re close to your destination - does time slow down for you as well? It definitely did for me here. Everything was like a frame a second. As I entered the corridor, just towards the isolated door to the staffroom, I was in for a quaint surprise. The Minetaur walked out. He spotted me from the corner of his eyes.

“Ahh… Fukaze-kun.”

Well shit then. So, it begins.

“Yes Sensei? You wanted to meet?”

“Grab a seat in the homeroom.”

Shit.

“Alright then.” I despondently said.

The motivation posters dotted around the corridors took on a new role as a mocking audience. Anything is possible? Yeah, the Minetaur could strike me down in class! Probably not. If I could guess - it was probably to do with something with my mental health. The homeroom door opened. Luckily, there was no one for Minetaka-sensei to shoo off.

“Sit anywhere.”

“Sure then, Sensei.”

The interview began.

“Can you gander as to why I’ve brought you here?”

“No. Not really.”

“Your parents say you suffer from a dissociative disorder. I think it was specifically called Depersonalisation-derealisation disorder?”

That’s correct.

“Uhh… yes sir.”

I continued to explain.

“It makes it feel like I’m spectating myself - like my actions aren’t my own. I’m floating.”

Sensei nodded.

“I see.”

I could feel that he didn’t understand. Or at least that was my feeling.

“But you know, Sensei? I can function well at school. I don’t struggle academically, I have a somewhat close group of friends, and I’m still trying to do my best so why did you stop me from being class rep?”

Yeah. Why did he do that? There was no need to out me. He’s literally only 10 years and a bit older than me so surely, he should be empathetic to my situation if my own parents told him - or at least the school?

Minetaka-sensei gave out a sigh.

“Sorry Fukaze-kun. Before school started, the higher up teachers told me to keep an eye out on you. They think you’re a threat or something. I don’t know. I felt like I would get chastised by my seniors if I let you be class rep.”

There it is. The Japanese hierarchy and bureaucracy in action.

He added more.

“But could you describe this… disorder? I’m not sure I quite get it. I mean I’ve heard of numerous disorders but disassociating?”

“It’s really not hard to get. You feel like you’re not a part of reality. Like you are floating. Above your head. At least that’s my experience.”

Frustratingly, I had to add extra.

“Like the person down below is not doing the actions you want to do. But that person is you, yourself.”

Finally, I ended my words:

“You just want to disappear.”

I think he got it.

“Ahh… okay.”

Minetaka-sensei gave me eye contact. I tried to dodge in time. I didn’t. It looked as if I had wavered.

“Look. The school wants me to essentially overwatch you on many things. I won’t try to be overbearing. Please understand.”

“Alright sensei. Is that all?”

He looked above the ceiling. Perhaps he was trying to think of any more things to say so he could hold my time hostage. As if I'm in a robbery. It’s already getting late - 3:30 PM.

“Well, Honzo. I’ve got a proposition. How about every Friday you report to me with another ‘troubled soul’ as the school admins like to say.”

Wait hold on. The school thinks I’m a troubled soul? What about me has inspired the school to be so concerned? All I ever did was be quiet, hide in the back, make awkward jokes like any other… well frankly average student does. Is it my stature? Is it because I’m 180cm? I said I have no sense of self sometimes but damn I’m hurt! The price to pay to go to a well-respected school. Aisaihashi. Utterly ridiculous.

“Who would that be?” I muttered.

Minetaka, clutching his chin, stated the words I wouldn’t forget.

“You’d be surprised, Fukaze-kun. It’s Kikuchi Minoru.”

Kikuchi Minoru. He was easily the most popular person in our class, nay, maybe our whole school. Well beloved. Pouring with confidence. He was half-Cambodian and half-Japanese with an American citizenship. His accent and background was the least interesting thing about him. The closest thing our school had to a breakout star. He’s the captain of our football team and is likely going to make it big in some European country. Regrettably, I’ve never even attempted to talk to him. Wow. Really? He suffers from a similar disorder? Damn, I’m wondering what he could have? What masking techniques could I learn from him?

Shocked, I quite literally scratched my head and did every stereotypical body language action when you’re confused. I barely even enunciated the words:

“You’re lying right? There’s no way.”

Quick to rebuke, Minetaka-sensei answered.

“Yeah. The school thinks he has an issue. He actually doesn’t. They’re probably just… culturally insensitive.”

Probably? This is the same school which banned speaking in different languages. Whatever. It’d be nice to actually speak to him every Friday.

“I guess I’ll try and see it out for myself, sensei. Have a good afternoon then.”

“Likewise, for you Honzo-kun. Please look after yourself. I genuinely wish you well.”

Genuinely? Fair enough.

He pointed to the door with an open hand. An invitation to freedom. That was it… for now. It’s a Monday, so I assume I’ll have to attend later this week? Anyhow, I grabbed my bag and wore it swiftly. One quick nod and off I went into the crowded corridors.

These corridors were godawful like the layout of the building. They were wide enough for two students only. Sadly, there’s been a few near crushes here. As such, they let students leave out in waves to prevent overfilling. This part has to be widened so the school decided they’ll knock the building and finish the new one by the beginning of next year. Fast tracked. I think the local administration forced their hands. Plus, Aisaihashi were well monied to begin with.

But Kikuchi Minoru. Wow. I’m going to talk to the star of our school regularly? He’s a bit of a… bad boy. Or so I’ve heard. A few rumours say that he sells shady substances on the weekend as he’s in a single parent household. Personally - I don’t think that’s true. His father is in his life, just in a different part of a city. At least that’s what Kenji says. Kenji is also a part of the football team too. Athletic and a degenerate. He’s the same person who said that you could never get tired of watching JAVs. Kenji claims to have a five-hour session just watching one film. He needs help. Or at least just hire someone once he’s past 18.

Not saying I condone sex work.

But I digress, what’s worse is that school doesn’t like Kikuchi-san? It seems that Minetaka-sensei has his work cut out. You know what, I do feel bad for him. Even though he’s a prick to me from time to time.

Well. That was it. What a day. PE was cut short too - not like I would have cared. I didn’t bring my full kit. It was a day full of small bombshells that ultimately meant nothing. You know what, in the long term it doesn’t really mean anything, no? Sorry to be a bit nihilist but… you know? Everyone says to not do short-term thinking but past a long-term everything you know will be gone. There has to be some sort of middle ground - sadly I can’t find it.

And with that thought gone, I entered the final corner towards the exit of the building. I walked past all the lockers. Their grey dull design was more reminiscent of a prison than a school. Well… that’s why they’re going to demolish this building soon. Towards my left I see an elegant black-haired lady. Her style was more elite than who she was - a third year student.

“Kazumi-senpai, were you waiting for me the whole time?”

Kazumi responded, “Not really.”

I gave out a long sigh. Hastily, I replied, “How about we walk together, home?”

Wow. My charisma is on point. I think they call this rizz nowadays. Rizzing up the ladies… yeah, I’m an old man in a 16-year-old.

She looked at me. Dead in the eyes. It wasn’t awkward but it certainly wasn’t comfortable either. Kazumi twisted similar to a ballerina. The smooth flow of her torso moving reminded me of a stream. Ahh… she’s too beautiful.

But also, a bum. She keeps up appearances like this for a reason. The dichotomy is the reason why she’s my favourite senpai. Even if she isn’t authentic or true to herself. But then again - see the pages before this: there is no self. By the way, I keep referring to my past thoughts as ‘pages’ like it’s a narrative. It isn’t. I have a habit of doing that. It’s not all dissimilar to when you pretend, you’re being watched by a live audience. As a kid I used to pretend looking at random objects thinking they were a camera. Then, I would do a funny dance to entertain the made-up audience. There’s a term for that… the Truman Show syndrome? I guess that’s it.

Anyways, it’s hard to believe a literal model is in front of me. She hasn’t even answe-

“Duh. Want to play a game when we go home bozo?”

Great. She’s going to say want to play Valorant.

Firmly, I rejected her.

“Yeah… sure, I guess? Not for long though.”

Firmly, I did not reject her. Yeah. I think I need to be more confident in myself. Under any circumstances, I do NOT want to get flamed by her. Plus, it’s going to be a long walk. So much for a diligent student council president. Instead of studying, she plays Valorant and verbally abuses those who have less kills than her. Ridiculous. I don’t even like playing that game. I’d rather play on my switch, but well, who am I to judge people’s tastes in video games.

“Let’s get out of diamond!” Kazumi said.

More like you get out of diamond. I don’t even have a rank.

“Well, you’re certainly more preppy now.”

I pointed out to the, now talkative, senpai that this is not how she usually is in school. We haven’t even left the building yet. People are still here.

“You know I do all that sternness in front of the teachers right?” Kazumi explained.

Further on, she added:

“Also, everyone in 2nd year and above knows this is who I am.”

Well… she’s not wrong, I just want the dichotomy back! Where is my proper senpai? The refined lady? Hello? I gave out a mental sigh. I know I’m ridiculous. I don’t know why I treat people like characters. Maybe it’s a part of my disassociating? Or maybe I’m just a prick.

Probably both.

Either way I don’t really want to play unless-

“You know Fukaze-kun, I could invite Nishi-chan to play with us too. I think it’s pretty apparent to anyone who knows you that you have a crush on her. Or at least some crazy affection that makes you like… I don’t know, stupid?”

Ouch. That hurts. Even if it’s not even said coherently. What also hurts is that she finished my thought before I even said it mentally.

Speaking of the devil, Nishi-chan came in. Suddenly, she jumped towards my side. The cute angel and the stern lady to my left and right. My next door neighbours. Except that ‘stern lady’ is more like a chatty patty who loves flaming in games and that ‘cute angel’ is really another slob. I wonder why Japan’s economy is getting less productive?

“Hiya Honzoooooo!”

Yeah. That’s Nishi-chan. Embarrassing. I gave a look around and it seems that the few remaining people in this block are trying to dodge us.

“Hey Nishi-chan.”

Hmm, I guess you could say this really is like a romance comedy. The setup is there. The walk home. Everything. It’s like… so stereotypical that since this is real life - nothing will happen at all. Yep. Such is being a second year in high school. Purgatory. Middle place. Not new anymore and not near the end. Liminal. Transitory. I forgot some synonyms.

Nishi-chan responded angrily, “Call me by my first name! E-ri-na!”

After a slight pause, she gave me direct eye contact to my soul.

“If you’re going to call me Nishi-chan. Cool but, please add the suffix to my first name.”

I had to defend myself:

“It’s literally just a name… why you pressed about it? Sorry then… Nishi-chan.”

She playfully slapped my back. It did hurt since I’m a bit weak and frail.

“Honzo-kun… how come you call me by my family name, but I still call you Honzo! Would you rather be Fukaze-san?”

I had to reply. “Well, that’s a bit cold Nishi-chan.”

The ever so responsible Kazumi-senpai clapped her hands. It was strikingly loud. I suspect even she was startled by the perfect connection.

“Look, you two, it’s nice to flirt in front of someone with a non-existent love life, but can we walk home?”

Welp. She had a 1000-yard stare. She looked frighteningly mad.

“Oh yeah! Nishi-chan - wanna play Valorant, with us two, when we get home?”

“Sure thing! But call me Erina! You should know this by now Kazumi-chan!”

Giving a cute laugh, Kazumi stated “Sorry Erina! It’s a habit from hanging around this bozo!”

Bozo again? Damn.

Trying to end the conversation inside and bring it outside towards our homes I concluded:

“Let’s go home.”

I hope I looked cool saying that! Really! And onwards we go!

“Wait, sorry Nishi and Fukaze-kun, I need to get my bags from the locker!”

She must have waited for me the entire time without getting her stuff.