Fear of Confession

Kritvik Bhatt

I was walking in the middle of the narrow street, filled with irregularly shaped houses on both the sides—some big, some small, some wide, some narrow, some apartments, and some bungalows with lawns. I wore a black pair of pants and a red t-shirt as I walked. Fixed in front of my eyes was a house painted faint yellow. It had a few scratches, and the paint too was not even from all the sides, for some reason. No doubt, it didn’t seem like a well-built house.

“Just some months back, I used to live in Faridabad. And that… was one such fine day.”

It was evening time, and there was no hot sunlight—just cool vibes everywhere, obviously. The sky was filled with clouds floating slowly in the air. For some reason, the street was empty.

I stopped in front of the house, turned to it, walked some steps back to stand with my back on the wall of the house parallel to that one, and then, with my right hand around my lips, I shouted, “JIYA! JIYAAA!” I then moved the hand down inside the pocket of my sweatpants.

I kept glaring at the balcony of the house above a story. A couple of seconds passed as such without any movements as I continued to glare at the balcony, waiting for Jiya to come out. Suddenly, the wooden door opened and she walked out, turning her head down at me and smiling. “Kriti!”

“Jiya! Come down!” My lips widened in a smile as I said.

“Yeah, bro, just give me a minute. Call others in the meantime.”

“Yeah, man.” I turned to my left, in the opposite direction from where I had come, and started to walk away.

“This was a time when… there were no problems in my life… when life used to be so stress-free, for some reason, and… when my life used to be at its peak.”

***

Jiya walked down the narrow slope of the soil, filled with stones and stuff embedded in the path, as she stepped on the grass and turned her head to her right. Inside the park, she looked at me, sitting on a metal bench with my head tilted skyward and my arms folded in front of my chest. I then turned my head to my left. I noticed her smiling at me as she walked toward me. I stood up and started to walk to her.

“No one came today?” She asked as she walked to me.

“Nah. Everyone’s busy, for some reason. AK’s out somewhere, Aishwarya is sleeping, and Madhav is studying for his test tomorrow.”

“For real?”

“Obviously,” I said as we stood in front of each other.

“So, wanna play badminton today? We’re only two, after all.”

“Yeah, bro, but do you have a shuttlecock?”

I smiled.

She smiled too. “Knew it.”

“Let’s talk for some time, then.”

“Yeah, what else can we do?” She said.

So, both of us started to walk around the park randomly, talking to each other. The grass was long enough to touch our ankles, and there was a wide bunch of flowers and stuff on the edges of the park, with a pathway in between, obviously.

“That’s just what we used to do back then. We were… enough for each other. We didn’t need the company of any other guy. We cracked jokes, did silly stuff, and talked about stuff. We were… We were enough… for each other.”

At the center of the park was a little circular shelter, painted white, with its roof painted red. It had three or four public benches facing each other, kept around in a circle. Around the edges of the shelter was a thick boundary of flowers and stuff, all watered and shining. No doubt, it was a beautiful shelter.

“And, we didn’t need the company of any other guy.”

“Tell me why you’re sad this time!”

“At least… wait a little, bro.”

“No, tell me! I wanna know!”

“And I used to be so immature, always asking her what happened and why she was sad. Now… I know it’s important to give others some time and space to open up, but… I still feel sorry for behaving like that, man.”

***

“Bro, these pimples are increasing. For real this time.”

I glared at her face filled with red dots all over it. She glared back at me silently. I then tightened my lips. “Not really, man. No doubt, there’s not even any space for new ones to pop up.”

She dejectedly replied, “Kriti!”

I smiled and chuckled. “Damn, man, your face is filled with these damned pimples.”

“I know, right?” She turned her head to the front as she walked to my left. We were walking in between the park, aimlessly walking here and there.

“But obviously, there’s not enough space for more pimples to pop up.”

She smiled. “I heard it, bro.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And that bitch left me because of this!” She complained.

I turned to her and asked, “Don’t talk about that.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“We agreed not to talk about that bastard ever.”

“Yeah, I remember.” She then turned to me and said, “But… what if… I really do look ugly now?”

I turned to the front and said, “You don’t, man. Stop worrying about it.”

“But bro, what if…?”

“You don’t.” I then turned to her. “You look okay. Even with pimples, no doubt.”

She nodded and turned her head down. “Yeah, bro.”

“It’s because that bastard said that when he left you that you’re feeling so insecure about this stuff.”

“I know, right?”

“Apparently, she had a boyfriend some time back who left her, saying that she was ugly because she was developing pimples on her face. And, obviously, that made her insecure about it.”

She still had her head tilted down. There was a little moment of silence between the two of us as we walked beneath the evening.

The sun was about to set, and the sky had turned darker, with only some little shades of blue left.

Suddenly, she said, “He was a good guy, bro. He… He never lied to me, and always cared for me.”

“If he never lied, he wouldn't have commented like that about your pimples to leave you, man. And, if he cared for you, he… he wouldn’t have left you,” I said, my eyes straight to the front.

She nodded slightly.

“Something changed him, for some reason.”

“I know, right?”

I then turned to her. “And don’t think about him now. It’s not your fault anyway.”

She nodded slightly, her head still fixed toward the ground.

I turned to her, looking at her dejectedly looking downward. “Jiya…”

“Hmm?”

“He changed. He left you. Now… look at what’s in front of you, man.”

She turned her head up front. “Ever since this COVID has hit our lives, and the classes have turned online, I can’t perform great in my exams.” She was about to cry. “And…” The lump in her throat was rising. “And my teachers are not even scolding me after seeing so low marks. They… genuinely ask me… what's happening.”

“They care for you…”

“And they expect something from me.” She turned her head down again. “My mom and dad too are trying to find out what has happened. No day goes by when they don’t ask me if everything’s alright, if my studies are going well, and all that. For real.”

I nodded as I looked at her. I then moved my left arm up and placed it softly around her shoulders. “Damn, man. Don’t worry about it. Due to stuff getting online, everyone’s marks have gone down, after all. It’s not because of you, man. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I always blame myself for all the stuff, right?”

“Right.”

“And I gotta stop this.”

“Right.” I smiled as I turned to her again. “You know my lines well, don’t you?”

She smiled too. “Sure do.”

“That… was the best thing about both of us. We shared both hard and good times with each other. We were always there for each other, no matter what. No doubt, we were attached to each other. We were so much a part of each other’s life that… that when it was time for me to leave this town… I… I couldn’t even imagine myself without her. That… That’s what made me afraid.”

“I can tell you anything, since you’re my best friend, Kriti. Not unlike those cheaters and fuckboys of boyfriends.”

“I too, man, can tell you anything. No doubt at it.”

She smiled as she looked into my eyes.

I smiled back.

Both of our figures were walking beside each other, looking into each other’s eyes. We walked away from that shelter in the center of the dark park, lit by lights on the edges of the park. The sun had set, and the sky had turned darker.

“That’s why I come whenever you call me. I don’t care if there are other guys or not. Just… Just you… I need just you to be there to make my day. And… we two are enough.”

“Yeah, we two are enough.”

“That’s what I liked about her. Girls, especially the ones like her, can say anything they want. They don’t care if they’re being judged or not, if they are being seen as flirty or not. They don’t care about that stuff. They can easily get their feelings across. But… for boys… especially like me… We always feel shy about sharing the stuff in our heads, for some reason.”

“Bro, I wanna talk about something…”

“What’s it, man?”

“… You know what, never mind. You gotta go home too. Or your mom might scold you, I guess.”

“Don’t worry about that, man. Just tell me what you wanna talk about.”

“But…”

“I’m here for you, man. No doubt you are more important. I can deal with my mom later.”

“Kriti…”

“She used to be my first priority, man. She… used to be a part of me. She used to be a part of my life. She… was someone special to me.”

“AK has relationships like that too, Kriti. Why can’t I have one like that?”

“Why do you want to enter a fake relationship like AK, man?”

“… Why not?”

“It’s fake, man. It’s damn fake. Haven't you seen them? For some reason, those guys just keep on saying cheesy and fake stuff about each other, flirt with each other, and then after a month, it’s over, they break up and both find someone new. Do you want to be someone like that? Who’d lie to a fake guy like AK?”

“… I…”

“Some people misunderstand infatuation for true love… while some on the other side of the spectrum are not even able to understand what this strong feeling inside them is called.”

“I used to give advice to her. I had a say in her life. And, in return, she too had a say in my life. I always asked her before taking any major steps. And…”

‘No.’

‘So why do you…?’

‘… I got it, Kriti.’

‘Don’t think that… that I don’t like you or stuff like that, man. But…’

‘Okay, bro.’

“And this was the girl I had just rejected. This… was the girl I declined to be in a relationship with. Even though I knew that… that being in a relationship can, for some reason, help us be together. Now, we… w-we have nothing in common. We are not related to each other in any way. And… And I can’t even talk to her again. I… I can’t even message her again. I can’t send her memes again. I can’t… talk to her… ever again. It was like I… I was getting away from her… once again. And… this was one of the worst feelings of my life, no doubt. No doubt, I wanted to reverse my decision. No doubt, I wanted to never stand in that situation. No doubt, I wanted us to be friends again. No doubt, I… I wanted to spend more time with her. But now that… this confession happened… it has broken any line of normalcy between the two of us. Even if we start to talk to each other again, there will always be… that awkwardness… between the two of us. And that’s what I hated about confessions, man. That’s why I never confessed to Jiya. And… that’s why I will never confess to Sana.”