Coffee Spot

Towards the cafe, I spotted an all too familiar group. It was Nishi-chan and her friends from her class. They were outside facing the congested avenue. What a romantic sight. To be fair to them, the sky is clear, and the blues are a clear perfection. I would kill to be a photographer right now. This scene is Pulitzer Prize-winning. The ever-so-beautiful Nishi-chan waved at me. I reciprocated. After seeing her, I gave up trying to come up with a description of her. Actually. You know what? I’ll give it an attempt.

The pearlesque beauty of Nishi-chan blinded me in a daze. It was as if she was planted here personally by a supreme being. Her brunette hair stood out from the sea of black. Her skin was as smooth as the Kanto plains. The power of this sight could stop grief in a father who lost his daughter. Her smile could start a national movement. I could picture soldiers running towards no man’s land for Nishiland.

Not for me though. My tidy childhood friend still annoyed me from time to time. Guess I’m more in-depth in sadness and wallowing than that hypothetical father.

After I shared a few words with their group, I opened the rustic oak door. Simple. Following manners, of course, I allowed the paranoid and erratic-moving Minoru-san to enter. It’s surprising as he flows and moves so well in football like butter melting - but here it’s almost like he’s a crack fiend. Well… at least, the ones I see online. I have never seen anyone strung out in my life. Nagoya’s just not really that place.

At the till, I noticed Minoru-san struggling to pay the 500-yen bill for his latte and croissant. I couldn’t bear to watch. He had multiple 1-yen coins and was counting them out loudly. Completely out of character, I jumped towards the front and told the server to combine his and my order. I ordered a latte and a small cheesecake for 650 yen. I really felt bad for Minoru, and I honestly felt compelled to combine the order. She agreed and then told us to wait by the side. I paid the whole bill.

Minoru looked at me… a bit ungrateful to be honest. He seemed annoyed that I did that. I assume it’s because he thinks I’m looking down on him. Maybe he has an inferiority complex? We shared eye contact. There was something about him that made me feel a sense of defeat. It’s like he was always playing this character at school when life was just hard for him. I know he’s focusing on football, and it’s likely he’ll get poached to play in university for a good club, but he needs to focus on his current needs.

I collected the order for both of us. Minoru chose a reserved spot. Not too far away from the general public but definitely protecting himself from prying ears. The mood of the cafe was soothing. Like a newborn in the cradle. It was brown everywhere, one of those classic cafes. I noticed Minoru’s muscles seemed to be tensing. He must really be in deep thought.

This is weird. It’s like I’m on the other side of my depersonalization attacks. Almost as if I’m a true third-party observer. Not just me describing it but actually going through it.

My phone vibrated. I noticed a text from Nishi-chan. She said that her friends are going home and that she’ll wait for me to finish the conversation so we can walk home together. Sounds alright.

Then I could sense that Minoru-san was about to say something.

“Fukaze Honzo. I apologize for telling you I don’t like you. Do you want me to be completely honest? I don’t don’t like you. You’re actually a pretty chill guy. Fukaze-san, I only said that because I felt afraid of getting too close to someone. I’m sure you can tell right now but I am a superficial person at school. I’m too busy trying to juggle my… extracurricular life with school.”

That’s something Minoru-san. I’m going to accept your apology conditionally.

“Look, Minoru-san. I’m going to let you know that I accept your apology. I won’t pry too deep into your life. I’ve heard the rumours. Nothing more than that. I don’t believe them if you want me to be honest.”

Minoru gave a slight sigh. He must feel that he has to explain his whole life story.

“Fukaze-san, it’s true that I am selling bootlegged goods to support me, my brother, and my dad. I am not selling drugs. No further than fake shoes and clothes. Drugs are going to put me in a whole world of trouble with either other people or the police. That risk is not worth it. I’m trying to get out. Some of these things I just simply can’t admit to Minetaka-sensei. You know the reputation. People in school call him a Minotaur. Look. If you’re mistrustful of me, then all I ask is you just don’t tell anyone.”

What did I get myself into? This guy is straight bad news. By talking, by affiliating with him, I’m going to get a file in the Aichi Police records, calling me an associate.

“As long as you don’t involve me in any ridealongs or anything I’m good. Quick question, do you think I’m involved in crimes or something? I’m not. My issue is a depersonalisation disorder. To make things short - I suffer from not feeling like my actions or thoughts are my own. A spectator in an arena game. I can go further into detail tomorrow but that’s it.”

Minoru-san nodded. He told me he never thought I was a criminal, but he knew that I was likely trustworthy. I seemed ‘real’ to him. He said that in English. I don’t know what that means. I’ll take it as a compliment, especially since I struggle with authenticity.

I shared what was remaining of my cheesecake with him as he seemed hungry. For an athlete, his calorie intake must be wildly high. I got a call from Nishi that she has to go soon, and I told her I’ll join her now. I took my coffee to go.

“Honzo. Please don’t tell anyone.”

I reassured Minoru-san. I would not tell anyone. Although, I have to make an excuse to Nishi-chan. He told me to just tell her that Minoru wanted to find out more about me because he was looking out for me. Of course, he picks a situation that makes him look good and me the helpless one.

All said and done, I'm surprised I’m probably not going to tell anyone. This seems shady. I’m actually conflicted about it myself. If it was drugs I would’ve gone straight to a police station. Or would I? I’m not so sure actually.

~~~

I linked up with Nishi-chan. Mentally, I remarked thanking all the gods that she was not the type for hello hugs. Basically, not Sayako. Sayako really is touchy with me. I can guess why. We strode along the boulevard, towards our destinations. Our conversations strange and varied as ever. Sometimes I realize that I don’t really need to self-improve if outwardly I’m actually a sociable and comfortable person. Just mentally, I’m the direct antithesis. A quick thought appeared. If I wanted to finally have a synthesis between the two, which one would disappear? My social outside or my sarcastic self-hating inside? I’m doing this to change my inside behaviour and self-worth, but this could go so wrong and change my outward appearance. So much for authenticity if I’m still a toxic person.

“Honzo-kun. Me and the girls were talking about it earlier but who would win a cute battle royale between animals! I think it’s an owl. They’re so cute!”

What a conversation start to return to after you have a deep introspective thought. Although I don’t think I’m really introspective, I’m sure 5-year-olds have better skills and self-worth than I do. Maybe the issue is I’m too introspective? Anyways, time to answer the question.

“Penguins.” I said it with huge confidence.

“You’re stupid Honzo.”

Ouch. Back to square -6. It was that bad.

“Who thinks an owl is cute? They’re creepy.”

“And penguins are fat.”

Hold on a second. I had to compose myself.

I stated “Penguins are ‘fat’ because they’re in Antarctica which is significantly cold and so they keep in heat. It’s also what makes them cute. There’s even a scientific measurement of cuteness. I’m sure.”

Nishi-chan, sensing my unconfidence, told me “Penguins are adorable, yeah. But I don’t think I’d call an emperor penguin cute.”
I had to be serious. “Erina. Are you joking? You call them adorable but they’re not cute?”

“Well then Honzo, I think adorable and cute are two separate concepts. Adorable is just like… looking nice. Cuteness is a heartwarming feeling and needing to protect something.”

I see her point slightly. “You know what Nishi-chan. I agree. You’re cute but not adorable.”

“Thanks, Honzo. However, I think you’re adorable but not cute. There’s no need for me to protect you.”

“Uhh… thanks? I’ll take that win then.”

“What?”, said Nishi-chan.

Trying to conclude the argument, I told her “Pandas would ultimately win because a penguin would probably not live to see the end of the cute battle royale.”

Then I questioned her “What even is a cute battle royale?”

“So, you decided to argue with me without knowing the rules of the competition? How Honzo of you.”

Hey! That hurt my feelings.

“Don’t use my name as an insult! I don’t call every foolish girl Erina, do I?”

We both looked back at our conversation and just laughed. What a stupid thing to even talk about. I can’t imagine how either serious or comedic the conversation must have been at their table.

“You know. We’re getting old now, Nishi-chan.”

“Is this a marriage proposal? Ask in 10 years.”

I gave a facepalm that must have injured my nose, it was that powerful.

“No. Nishi-chan. I’m just saying it’s weird that in a few years we’ll be away from each other. You know what I mean? We’ll be working jobs, actually scratch that. I’ll be working at an office or something whilst you do some entertainment or model work.”

I saw Nishi-chan give a sneer. “Is that a backhanded compliment? A euphemism?”

“I’m just saying you’ll probably be famous if you have half our school in your palms, it seems.”

“You have no one in your palm Honzo, ‘cause everyone can tell you’re a clueless guy.”

What? Least rude Nishi-chan comment I’ve heard. Such a nice person! My childhood friend indeed.

“Yeah, yeah, keep saying that. Trying to put me down because you know the only way is up.”

Nishi-chan gave a long laugh. Hell, even I joined in.

You know I gave it a thought. There are very few people, right now, that I could have a similar conversation with. Maybe it’s because we’ve been close for a decade? I’m not even self-conscious… okay now I am, but talking to her is just normal. I enjoy it. It doesn’t even remove my social battery. It also fulfils a need that I didn’t really care about. Yes. I love to mope and complain. I hate everyone. People suck. But I suck too because I’m a person. So, what’s the point of hating everyone? I love my family too, so why are they the exception? With slight increments, I’m starting to welcome in new people I haven’t thought about into my life. Albeit Nishi-chan was always there. Plus, Kazumi. Also, Yusuke, Mai, Tatsuya, Saeka, Sayako… okay there’s several people. I can’t believe I omitted Kenji too.

Maybe I’m just best at lying to myself and justifying my poor attempts to really understand people. I have to take initiative I suppose. I can’t keep saying no one likes me when evidence points to the contrary. On a consistent basis.

Whatever. I told Nishi-chan that I was feeling nostalgic at how life is changing.

“This period of transition is bliss, Nishi-chan. I’m feeling a bit bittersweet that I’m growing up and soon I will move out in just a year and a bit.”

Nishi-chan stood there. Perhaps she was moved by what I was saying earlier. Then, she spoke.

“You know it doesn’t have to be like that. High school friendships do last. I know you and me are good forever, but you don’t have to be afraid of talking to other people because the connection might not last.”

“Heh. You’re right. I hope we’re good forever too. Maybe we should go to the same university?”

“Not a shabby idea Honzo. Just better your grades, then talk.”

Ouch. Reality struck me in the face like a baseball. Can’t say she’s wrong. Although I did notice a tinge of sadness in her response. Or is it just me? I think it’s just me.

We continued walking, chatting about other things. Then we reached our homes.