When in Takabata, Pt. 1

What a great day! I started it off by listening to NewJeans. You should really get into them, by the way. Anyone that seems to think listening to K-Pop girl groups emasculates you should drown in a fire. Seriously. Gender roles are stupid. What makes pink for girls and blue for boys? I hate the colour blue. It’s literally a stinky colour - I can physically smell it as that. My favourite colour is purple and maroon. Not two particularly masculine colours. Grapes and chestnuts. Actually - chestnuts are pretty masculine. That’s a victory.

I could write a critically acclaimed essay about NewJeans. Yes. I am aware of the controversy that their label made them sing songs with… questionable lyrics at their age. Let me say this. All of their members, I think, are older than me. Therefore, I think it’s ok to say that Cookie is my favourite song.

Moving on, I just laid in bed watching a video, by a farmer, discussing how they tilled the fields in a rotation. From above, it’s strikingly beautiful. It’s like witnessing a Mandelbrot set. Well… not really but I hope you got the point. I could tell you the implications of infinite fractal structures. Complex numbers and everything. There is beauty in mathematics. The problem is mathematics is not 100% objective.

Ontology.

I will be honest. I am biased because I’ve watched a few YouTube videos. I want to be a banker, but I don’t really like the mathematics that is applied in that field. It sucks. Think of a Dyson and its ability to suck. It sucks. Both literally and referring to its quality. Get a hoover. Let me repeat it because I think it’s funny. It sucks.

Wow! Maybe I should do it a fourth time!

Okay, I’m not going to torture you anymore. You already have had to deal with my ramblings and minor derealization episodes. For that, I deeply apologise to you all.

On that earlier comment about mathematics being not 100% objective, let me clarify.

No. I do not genuinely believe the entire framework of logic and mathematics is not real in a practical sense. It is obviously practical. Mathematics led to the safe construction of my house - for now. Mathematics is a cornerstone of humanity. What I am saying is that maths inevitably has limitations. There’s even a theorem, well two theorems, that state finding out assumptions and axioms for everything in mathematics is impossible. Gödel’s incompleteness theorem. God, I’m so smart! Therefore, ergo, it is apparent to me, a 1^20 IQ genius, that mathematics is not objective. Why? Because I said so. I am the authority. Appeal to authority, checkmate.

Wait, 1^20 IQ is still 1.

Ignore my rambling thoughts. I think I’m still barely lucid so random topics are occurring. It’s a Sunday. I do not want to go to this event. But the group chat is lighting up notifications like a German machine gunner on D-Day. In other words, I’ve already lost. I have to go. I’m a bit late too, it’s 8:20 AM and Aya-senpai told us to be there by 9:00 AM at Takabata Station.

I will never skip breakfast. Calories are important. Especially, and I really mean it, if you are as skinny as me. So I’ll probably take half an hour, then change into socially acceptable clothing and walk maybe 5 mins to the station? I need to go now. I mean it. Right now.

Too bad I’m so listless and lazy. It’s unbelievable to me that people are actually motivated to leave their beds! Shocking. They must be clearly in an insane state of mind because I’m normal.

Just ignore my clinical diagnosis of depersonalization disorder and poor self-image.

Matter of fact, I’ll just go jump out of bed. If you’re going to do it, might as well now, no?

I stood up and my body yearned for the bed. It wanted the sweet cotton bedding. Longed for the great comforting hug of the mattress. Beautiful comfort. Instead, it was greeted with harsh reality and their cruel, sadistic, and twisted ways. You wanna know what evil is? Adjusting to the room temperature. A fate worse than dying and no one knows who you are. Stupendously saddening.

It hit me.

A thought.

What if there is really no distinction between the abstract and the physical? What if I finally spoke to Nishi-chan honestly as to how I view myself? Should I even change myself? Do you discover or form your self-identity? Why does my depersonalization appear to happen quite literally randomly? Should there be government-mandated hugs for clinically lonely people?

I have my answers to the inquiries above:

I don’t know, sorry.

Come to think about it, I should just eat a plain bowl of rice. As for my clothing? I'll just dress in a raincoat and black trousers. I will have some random black T-shirt on too, with the coat unzipped. Clearly, I stand out from the crowd.

As I check my phone, I realized it's over. It’s already 8:50. How did we get to this point in time? Clearly a time leap has occurred. I noticed three @ notifications by Aya-senpai. Great. I think I should actually respond. Then I read the most recent text.

“Yo Honzo get to the station quick 👍, u should know by now that Takabata is end of line so trains are kinda like slow service. Just get here alright (￣ー￣) I stg you’re taking too loong”

Eh, it’s serviceable in the sense that I can understand it.

Then the next text message came from… you guessed it. My favourite senpai. It was my biggest fear.

“Actually Honzo-kun, I’m going to your house with everyone. Hope you don’t mind, it’s only a few minutes from the station too. ❤️ Your other Onee-chan.”

Why is she messing around on LINE? Those first-years will now have a terrible view of me, thinking I’m messing with the graceful student council president. Secondly, I don’t call anyone one-chan but my Yumi-nee. It’s onee-san for everyone else. I don’t even say onee-chan and she knows that. I’m ashamed to have ever thought of Kazumi-senpai as ‘family-but-not-family’. Maybe Aya will take that moniker of favourite senpai soon? Wait. Tateishi-sensei is with them too. She also saw those messages. I am so screwed. These guys have either no self-awareness or shame.

What actually happened to embarrassment?