The Unfinished Experience Journal

She lifted her head from my shoulder to close the laptop on the glass coffee table.

"Oh, the practice dates. Come to think of it, we've really gotten off track haven't we. Even the first practice date didn't seem to go according to plan," Fumiko said, sighing as she looked away to focus on nothing in particular.

"Well, it's really hard to execute when you yourself barely had a part in the plan, right," I said.

"You know, you're probably right. So why did you bring up the practice dates, anyway?"

She tried to feign ignorance, but that quick double take that finished with her taking one eye off of me told me all that I needed to know. The subject of the practice dates seemed to throw her off-kilter. If I didn't know any better, she didn't want to change our current arrangement as a platonic romantic couple.

"Oh--it's just that after all these 'practice dates' we've had together, I think it's time for us to start dating for real. Sooner or later, shouldn't a couple that's serious about a real relationship actually try and date."

She covered her mouth with both hands as she gasped. Once she lowered her hands, what looked like initial excitement regressed to tentative caution, backpedaling a couple of half-steps away from me as she stood up.

"Oh. This probably isn't the best time," Fumiko said, clenching the top of her skirt.

"But, why? Isn't dating with serious intent what we've been working to all this time?"

Fumiko paced back and forth, occasionally throwing her arms up and down as she groaned.

"I should probably come clean about something, Kenta. Remember earlier when I got upset that you brought Eri over to the apartment?"

"Yeah? Wait, I thought we already took care of that."

"Oh, no, I'm not still mad about it. It's just that Eri visited us on one of the last few days I had time to spend time with you on 'practice' dates. The deadline for the contest is quickly creeping up on me, and I still need to write the last few chapters.”

Now I felt like an ass for prioritizing Eri today. And with the way she suddenly appeared, Fumiko didn't really have an opportunity to mull over a decision and shoot her down. And it's not like she'd be the type to say no in that scenario in the first place.

"I'm sorry, Fumiko. I know you really had your heart set on going to the bookstore," I said, leaning while clapping my hands together in deference.

She reached out to grip my cheek with her hand, giving me a weary smile.

"It's okay, Kenta. If it means anything, I'm happy that we're on the same page about all of the practice dates. Now it's just up to me to catch up to you now."

"That implies that we were in some sort of race, and that I inexplicably passed you up. If anything it feels like I've just begun to understand you, and that's made it easier for me to finally envision a relationship with you, something I couldn't imagine when we first began."

"But ever since that first date in the café, I couldn't help but think, 'am I doing everything I can to become the person that the ideal romantic hero would want to date.'"

"And what would that person look like?"

She put one hand on her hip and aimed another toward me with a punching gesture.

"Like Iori, the new Violet Ravager," she said, holding the Ravager pose with pride.

"Hmph, I guess you're right. And what would that make me, then? I'm apparently too brooding and too avoidant of love to be the Red Ravager."

"Who knows? It's all up to you really, Kenta. All I have to say about you is this. Ryuuji may have been the one to beat you at the Café, but I'll always see you as the winner after that date," she said, folding her hands behind the small of her back and smiling.

"Did Iori even have a named love interest in the show," I retorted, trying to temper myself after her casual compliment, but the genuine creases that made my normal smile snuck through.

"She did, but he doesn't appear until the final few episodes of the second season. Unfortunately I can't really think of a couple from the series that's analogous to us. Oh, well, Zauru became an important ally to Iori after the first half of the season."

"Zauru, again," I said, hyperbolically slumped on the floor as I pounded my fist on the floor.

"Come on, it's not like Zauru is a bad character," she said, extending her hand to lift me up from the floor.

"I guess we'll just have to play this relationship by ear," I said, scratching my chin.

"It's how I've been doing it since grade school," Fumiko said.

"You know, if I didn't have these issues in my love life, writing this light novel series would be a whole lot easier. Forgive me, Kenta, but I think I might need tonight and tomorrow to try and finish this current volume," Fumiko finished, leading me to the doorway.

"Oh, that's alright. But before I go, can you at least tell me what you were originally planning on buying at the bookstore," I said.

"Oh. You're not going by yourself are you," she asked, pouting with a heavy sniffle of her nose.

Why is she looking at me like that? This wasn't meant to be a singles date.

"I am, but just for the book. We can go there together later on if you still want to."

"Okay. Well, if you're asking, there's this manga that was adapted from the Super Sentai Ravagers light novel series. I've even heard that the author was given permission to give it an original ending, which can either be another masterpiece in the making or a potential train wreck. Either way, I wanted to start reading it," she said, pushing her index fingers together.

"Got it. You don't even have to ask twice," saluting in a hyperbolic pose.

"I'll see you later. Hopefully I'll have more time soon."

She creaked the door closed slowly as she hesitated, but then with an austere wrinkle of her head, she found the resolve to slam the door shut. Before I walked away from the apartment, I could hear the muffled sounds of frustration as she tried to put away her daily writing quota on her laptop.

"Agh, how hard is it for me to write the ending I've outlined!"

Between the last visit to her apartment and the weekend, Fumiko and I only met up briefly at school. I couldn't think of any other example of a human being that was simultaneously hurting for sleep and being wired, but when I asked her how much caffeine she drank to get her in that state, she said all that she drank was a few cups of black tea. She joked that her determination made up the difference in her needed caffeine, and by 'determination', she meant the adrenaline that ran through her body.

I wanted to be a considerate platonic boyfriend, but what would I say in that instance? If I told her to get more rest, she'd probably snap at me and take offense at the efforts she took to finish her deadline. And if I encouraged her to finish, it'd feel like just another source of external pressure she'd have to worry about.

I received a text this weekend after visiting Fumiko's apartment to solve Eri's dilemma. The text came after a bit of weekend loafing. In that span of time, I not only bought Fumiko's coveted Super Sentai Ravagers manga, but I also bought all of Fumiko's currently available work.

I have writer's block. ಥ_ಥ

I began typing.

Are you okay? Is there a way to unblock yourself?

IDK. I was able to write. Now I can't.

Is there something I can do to help?

No. It's fine. I'm just venting. But this really sucks. ＞﹏＜

Alright. I'm coming over, Fumiko.

I already told you not to. ಠ_ಠ

Look, you're clearly in a rut. Maybe you just need a quick break. You can allow yourself to take a short break, right?

A brief pause.

Fine. But just for half an hour. Then you have to leave again.

Heh, I'll take that. I'll be right over. =P

***

Fumiko opened the door to her apartment, the color drained out of her face, all except for her bottom eyelids which appeared a somewhat sunken black. She closed the door with a hunch in her back. She followed me back to the red two-seated sofa with an awkward walk, with one leg always lagging behind the other. With how she moved, I was worried that she'd trip over herself.

She hit the seat next to me with a thud, her upper-body immediately leaning into mine.

"Hey, Fumiko. I know I asked to come over, but if you want to just take a quick nap, I won't stop you," I asked, noticing her weary narrowed eyelids.

"I can't do that, Kenta," Fumiko said, pressing her arms against mine to keep balance.

"Why not?"

"Because if I nod off, I'm going to be knocked-out for the next couple of hours."

"Saying stuff like that only makes me more nervous for you, Fumiko."

"I can't help it, alright. I've never missed a deadline."

At this rate, she was going to run herself into the ground. I felt myself tense up as I saw her. From my neck to my heels, I felt a build-up energy that had nowhere it could be released. I started tapping my feet and twiddling my interlocked fingers.

"Fumiko, I understand that this is your dream, but why do you wear yourself down like this?"

For the first time since I arrived, she found it in herself to focus on something outside of herself. I noticed that one particular Experience Journal sat open on her desk, a pure white moleskine notebook. It didn’t look like much at first glance, but then she picked it up in her hands, revealing a subtle prismatic reflection on its front cover.

While she turned away from me, she clicked her tongue against her teeth as she tried to find the proper words she wanted to say to me.

"In the end, I suppose it comes back to Hiro."

"I know you probably still hold a lot of feelings towards him, but isn't he long gone by this point?"

"...I certainly hope not," shifted her gaze to her lap, clawing into her pajama pants.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure he's living a happy life, wherever he is."

"You're probably right. I just don't know, Kenta. He said he'd tell me what the meaning of love would be once he became a manga author, but he never tried to contact me, much less called me back. I tried to get in contact with his known family, but the few moments I tried, they always said he was too busy."

Fumiko sniffled a bit, stopping short of tearing up.

I wondered why she put so much stock into what an old childhood friend had to say about love, even if they had a near-inseparable bond. In my mind, I was already mentally punching this illustrious Hiro. But then I remembered what she said to me at the café, and I instantly shut myself up before I put my foot in my mouth again.

"All I have, as a writer, are the ideals I've built up since I became a Ravagers fan."

"Now, now, can't you still find that meaning yourself," I said, pumping my fist.

"Haha. Yeah. I guess we still can," Fumiko said, subtly leaning into my face without the help of her arms to keep herself balanced.

"After multiple first-dates, I never realized how impatient I've become. I think that might be the reason why I worked so tirelessly as a light novel author. If my work is out there, I thought maybe one day he'd eventually take notice."

I instinctively gripped Fumiko's cheek with my hand and pulled her close to me with my other arm. Not just to comfort her, but to keep her from seeing the tears running down my cheeks.

"If I help you find out the meaning of love, you can finish your work, right? I don't know if he'll see it, but I too want him to notice your honest effort, and all the progress you've made since meeting everyone else."

"Kenta," Fumiko said, faintly chuckling with an emotional hiccup. "I'd like that too, but I also have another greedy request. I want my readers to see it too, the meaning of my new feelings for you. It's very important for them to understand, and I think his Experience Journal might have the answer I need."

She closed Hiro’s Experience Journal and set it aside next to her laptop.

I was choked up, that I couldn't properly respond with anything else but an affirmative hum.

"And whatever happens, I want to love you in spite of my inability to feel attraction."

"Of course," I said.

I looked at my phone and realized that nearly an hour had passed since I stopped by.

"Oh, I guess I should go now. I don't want to take away any more of your writing time."

"No, it's okay. But do please come back in a little bit. Once I've finished this volume, I want you to see the final result," Fumiko said.

"I'd love nothing more, Fumiko."