The White Moon

When I woke up Loali was asleep at a desk in the corner of my room, but she woke up soon after me and told me first that everyone was safe, then what they’d apparently figured out about me.

It was obvious enough that I had healing magic, but I had no idea that healing magic would be so dangerous for me to have. She emphasized to me that having healing magic likely meant that I was more susceptible to magic of other affinities than most people, especially when I used too much.

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

“Huh? Yeah, I feel fine, you don’t need to worry about me.” I tried to reassure her, but she just passed back a weak smile. “You were the one who was hurt, not me. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, thanks to you, so I think it’s fair for me to be worried about you.” I picked up a bit of frustration in her voice, which was all but confirmed with a small huff. “I think you should still wait a little while before you go anywhere. You need to store up as much magic as you can to protect yourself.”

“I’m not exactly eager to go anywhere, but...”

“If you stay put, I’ll get Biarn to take us outside to see the White Moon.”

“That’s... New Years, isn’t it?” I sort of muttered the question, knowing she didn’t know the holiday.

“It does mark the new year, if that’s what you mean. It's in three moons now.”

I’d been told before about the White Moon. While the moon in the sky changed “day by day,” from red to orange, yellow, green, cyan, blue, and violet, there was one moon a year that took on a silvery white color and lit up the world below.

“I think I’d like to see it...”

I couldn’t help but imagine the full moon I knew from my own world, and also remembered the telescope I used to stare through with my uncle. He’d name the stars and planets for me, but I hardly remembered half of them. I was just happy to be there with him and talk about this and that, about science and mythology and whatever else. There were plenty of things, in the sky and all over the world, that we had yet to talk about.

“Danny, are you sure you’re okay?” Loali’s voice reminded me again of where I was, and I nodded as I blinked a few times to clear my eyes.

“Yeah, I was just remembering something. New Years was a celebration where I grew up,” I deflected. “I’ll stay here. You should probably go to sleep, you’ve been waiting here a while.”

“Oh, I’m fine-”

“I’m alright, Loali.” I again reassured her, keenly aware of the concern on her face. “Please, go get some sleep.”

“I’ve got a whole bowlful of the “onion” mushrooms you like, we’ve got chairs and drinks, and Loali made pair after pair of dark glasses for the rest of us, so we’re all good to go!”

“Biarn, this is...” I’d spent the past few minutes gaping at an arrangement of over ten chairs, tables, drinks, and food, all set up on the slightly sloped center of the roof of the largest building in Kogen. A few adults were speaking among themselves on either side of the roof, and I’d seen several standing around outside with either glasses or hoods of some kind ready to use, likely all meant to act as guards.

“All Loali’s idea,” he suddenly whispered, pulling me in a bit closer with his arm over my shoulder. “She really has taken a liking to you, you know? She asked a lot of us for help setting this up.”

“She did? So you don’t usually do anything like this for the White Moon?”

“Not really. She said she promised you or something, but you know what I think? She’s worried about how you’re feeling.”

“I told her I’m fine. My magic is-”

“Not your magic,” he chided, “we could all tell you’ve been on the verge of crying for as long as you’ve been with us.”

I couldn’t respond to that. I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t, and I couldn’t explain to him why.

I should be happy. They’ve been taking care of me, they’ve been so kind to me. I should be happy.

“You don’t have to say anything.” He said. “A lot’s happened to you, and you deserve all the time in the world to figure it out. If you want to talk to anyone about it, we’ll listen, but if you don’t, or you can’t, that’s okay too. I...”

For a few moments he remained quiet, and when I looked over my shoulder I saw he was looking down.

“I can’t know for sure how I’d feel in your situation, but if I lost everything all of a sudden and woke up in some strange place.... even if everyone was nice to me, I think I’d still miss my family. I think I’d still want to come back here.” When he moved his head to meet my eyes I turned away. “I heard you, while you were asleep. Loali probably did too, and a few others.”

“Heard me..?”

“You called out for people. Your parents, other names you haven’t told us before... and some of ours, too.”

I remained quiet again as I bit my lip and held my breath, waiting for him to continue.

“Like I said, you don’t need to say anything. I just want you to know that you’ve got people to talk to if you decide to one day, and if you just want to cry we’d understand that too.”

His arm rubbed my back for a few moments before he stepped away, and I stood where he left me, but I didn’t cry. Moment by moment the heat left my face, replaced by the fainest chuckling smile. The pit that’d been forming in my gut was just barely lifting with a gentle, sweet feeling, which I couldn’t explain for as long as I continued to stand there.

I still want to cry, I still want to scream, but...

I’m not sure how long I stood there for, but just as I could start to see the violet of the sky barely start to brighten, a hand came to rest on my shoulder again.

“Danny?” I turned to Loali, the same grin still on my face, to see her furrowed brows melt into half a smile of her own. “Want to sit with me?”

“Sure.” I responded, taking her hand as she offered it.

Creyna, along with a few other kids I’d met a few times in the tunnels, had already taken their seats, leaving spaces for me and Loali right beside Biarn.

“Thank you, by the way,” I said as we sat, and Loali shook her head.

“Don’t worry about it, I promised I’d help you see the White Moon.”

“You didn’t have to set all this up for me, though.” I responded, and again she shook her head.

“I just asked around a bit, Biarn and everyone else set it up.”

“Then thank you for asking them.” I insisted, and though she started to shake her head again she eventually just sighed.

“You’re welcome.”

A moment later Biarn passed me the bowl of “onion” mushrooms he’d been guarding from the others, and I placed it between myself and Loali, who eventually took a few for herself with a grin despite trying to refuse them at first.

I took off my light glasses as everyone else put their glasses on, and we all talked for what felt like hours as violet washed out of the sky, replaced by a familiar white that cast a brighter light than the moon I knew.

“It really does remind me of home.”

“Home?” Loali asked, and I nodded, my eyes focused on the distance.

“This light, the color... I used to look at the sky with my uncle, but not just at the moon. There were also stars there, like a million tiny little moons scattered across the sky. A lot of them had names, especially the ones that shone brighter than the others.”

“I can hardly imagine it.” Biarn responded, and several of the others prompted me to continue.

“Some of them I remember better were connected to ancient mythology, like the constellation Virgo. Imagine a bunch of little dots in the distance, then thirteen brighter ones that you could draw lines between to roughly draw a person.”

“I can sort of imagine it, like staring at glowing rocks in the bottom of a pond.” Loali noted, and I heard a few murmurs of agreement. “The sky must’ve been beautiful.”

I nodded.

“The White Moon is too. Thank you, again.”

“Thank you, too.” Loali replied, and out of curiosity I turned to her. I couldn’t see her eyes, but I could tell she only had half a smile. “I know you didn’t choose to be here, but... I still want to say it, because I am happy you’re here. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” I responded, though I knew my expression probably didn’t reinforce the thought.

I was glad to be here with Loali and everyone else, but just the same as earlier I could tell I still wanted to cry.

I didn’t have to feel one or the other. I didn’t have to feel guilty about wanting to go home when they were doing everything they could to take care of me now, I didn’t need to suppress my sadness because of that guilt, and I didn’t have to tell myself I should be happy all the time. I could be happy to be where I was now, to have people around me who cared for me unconditionally, and I could still mourn for everything that I no longer had when I was reminded of it.

“Th-thank y-you.”

“Danny...”

“I m-miss my f-family.” I stuttered, my tears starting to fall as Loali grabbed onto me. I dug my face in her shoulder, and I could feel her start to cry on mine as well.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s o-okay.” I replied, holding her tighter. “I’m s-sad, but I’m r-really happy too. So, th-thank you for h-helping me! Thank you f-for all of thi-this. Thank you.”

“You... you’re welcome, Danny.”