If I Could Finally See You

Of course, I spent my lunch time at school on only the most important activities.

“So you’ve actually been there?”

“Water Land? Yeah, we go every summer.”

Ever since we both committed the cardinal sin of revealing our locations, dropsgum and I had taken to sharing more about our lives, to the point where I could probably narrow down where she lived to a handful of towns. To be fair, she could do the same for me, with the amount of overlap having me more and more interested in suggesting a meet-up.

Speaking of that—

“I’ve wanted to go for ages, but my mom’s never wanted to go back.”

“Hey, maybe we could plan something over the next couple months. School’s almost out for me.” I may as well take the chance to offer.

“Oh! I, uh, don’t think my parents would allow that.”

I laughed. “But they let you go to a mega mall all by yourself for hours on the weekend?”

“Er….”

“Listen—“ I paused, tapping the back of my phone, “If you don’t want to, you can just say it.”

“It’s not that, really. It’s just, uh…you’re…”

“Right—some strange guy. It’s whatever, then.”

“Yeah, that!…I mean, in a nice way? Is there a nice way to say that?”

I wouldn’t call myself the most observant person in the world, but even I could tell that she was lying. She would’ve told me what school she went to if I didn’t stop her. I couldn’t understand why she snapped away the moment I mentioned meeting, unless…

There was something she didn’t want me to know about.

But I couldn’t rush her, either. Whatever she was hiding, it wasn’t something I should force out of her. I sighed and pulled my phone away from my ear, only to realize that it was a minute after the start of class.

“Shit—sorry, I gotta go.”

“It’s okay! I should probably get back to studying. Speaking of that, when we’re both off school, let’s talk more about that event. I know we both have exams next week, but if we can squeeze it in this weekend, it would be sooo coooool…”

“Trust me, I feel the same way,” I said and started walking to class. It was easy to lose track of time in the back of the school. I specifically scouted that location out so no one would overhear our voice calls. “But I’ll have to see. I need a while to cram.”

“Cram, huh? We’re already resorting to that?”

“Like you’re any different. Anyways, gotta go.”

“Don’t lump me in with you! I started…uh, two days ago? Ah, wait, I think I’m going through a tunnel—“

She hung up before I could, god damn it. Class ended up being nothing more than a dreary lull of last minute exam review. Hey, isn’t it a thing in college where you don’t have any classes the week before exams to focus on studying? Can we make that a thing here, too? Of course, I knew I wouldn’t study either way, but the option is nice.

Once I’d finished running to the last cramped, sweaty torture chamber called a classroom (curse you, summer) I ran back to the car for the sweet escape of a working AC. Even driving back home was a monumental effort, now that the thought of exams had wormed back into my brain.

I’d studied, yes, but only in short bursts. Without the distraction that our RP work brought, though, the problem was entirely with me. It was hard to concentrate when there were other things you wanted to think about…and hard to study in general, but I was determined to try as hard as I could.

If only to prove that I shouldn’t go to summer school. My heart twisted up at the thought.

As soon as I was through the door, my mother accosted me with a hand on my shoulder before I even put my bag down. She pulled me into a hug, ruffled my hair and said, “So, how’s school?”

“Fine,” I said, though forcing my voice to have any cheer was impossible. As I looked around the room, I realized that someone was nowhere to be found. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s sleeping.” She let go and ran back over to the kitchen. The stove clicked off moments later. I followed her, and she wordlessly gestured over to some vegetables on the cutting board.

As I washed my hands and got to work, she continued to talk.

“Do you think you’re ready for exams?”

“Maybe. I’m gonna spend plenty of time studying anyways, pre-calc looks like it’s gonna be rough.”

“Oh!” She turned to me, away from the pot full of pasta and boiling water. The hot steam filled the poorly ventilated kitchen and permeated the air with that gross wet bread smell. “Do you like that class?”

“’S fine.” I shrugged, which brought disappointment to her face.

“What about history? I thought you liked that.”

“It’s a lot of memorizing.”

“Hmmm…well, they hire people to write emails these days, right?”

I nearly cut my finger with the knife. When did I cut up a whole carrot already?

“I’m still thinking about it, mom.” Anyone with a brain could tell that she was probing me for answers regarding majors. She’d get tired of my dismissive answers sooner or later, I was sure, but I’d keep doing for as long as I could.

Today, though, she was terribly persistent.

“Isn’t there anything you like to do?” She checked the dial on the stove before turning fully to me. Once I’d finished chopping up the bell peppers, I shoved everything to the side and turned around as well.

“I have hobbies,” I answered. She pursed her lips together.

“Such as?”

“Like…”

I stared down the vegetables on the cutting board like they were about to rebel and start running in different directions. When the silence dragged on too long, my mom huffed and went to check on the noodles.

“You know, you can’t spend your entire life playing games and talking to friends.”

“I don’t! It’s…just messing around, I guess.”

I clenched my teeth together. Even when she seemed kind and sympathetic as she did now, I found it difficult to even raise a word against her. No matter what, I couldn’t change the fact that I was a coward that couldn’t even be honest with my mother. About my interests, my hobbies, anything.

I wonder what she would think about dropsgum?

I wonder what I even wanted?

A sigh escaped her. “You can’t do that forever.”

“…I know.”

Once we’d finished preparing the spaghetti, we ate in silence. No matter what, though, I could feel her gaze weighing me down. Once I was finished, I washed my plate at the speed of light and fled to my room. On the way, though, I passed by my dad’s room, where I saw him laying on the bed without any covers.

I paid it little heed. He was just resting, so I wouldn’t want to disturb him.

Computer on; chair set up. I already saw dropsgum DMs had unread messages.

dropsgum: Hey, you think we can hold our opener event this saturday?
dropsgum: I know it’s a biiiit last minute but that should give us the week to settle before leaving everyone to their own devices for a bit!!! I think it works
dropsgum: But let me know what you think!!!
TowersFall: cool with me
TowersFall: noons good? in our timezone of course

While I waited for a reply, I got my math textbook out to re-re-review the materials, but I immediately felt my eyes glaze over as soon as I saw a polynomial. Usually I’d be distracted thinking about the RP, but instead, my mother’s disappointment was at the forefront. The only other thing to accompany my thoughts was the occasional groan from my parent’s room—maybe my dad was sick?

Huh. He’d be fine, surely. For the rest of the night, all I could do was distract myself.