That’s The Feeling Called Jealousy

“Woah! Sensei! It’s good to see you here! Happy New Year!”

“Happy New Year to all of you.”

On New Year’s Day, my friends and I met up to go to the shrine together. We did not expect to encounter Sensei at the entrance. My gaze was drawn irresistibly to her blue kimono, the intricate patterns accentuating her grace and elegance. It matched well with her blue-framed glasses.

“Sensei, are you waiting for someone?”

“I was, but they don’t seem to be coming anytime soon.”

“Then would you like to join us, Sensei?”

“Is that okay?”

“Of course!”

And with that, Sensei was now part of our group.

The early morning air held a crisp chill as the first light of dawn painted the sky in soft hues of pink and gold. Families clad in traditional kimonos roamed the area. Upon reaching the main hall, we joined together in making an offering and praying. Smoke from the incense spiralled into the sky, carrying our prayers with it. We moved on to getting some fortune-telling slips.

“I got moderate luck,” said Karou.

“I got moderate luck as well,” said Hara-san, a friend of Karou’s.

“I got general luck,” Toujou-san remarked.

“I got bad luck,” a depressed Yoshi said.

“I got best luck!” Reika proclaimed

“What did you get, Sensei?”

“I got moderate luck as well. How about you, Sozen?”

“I got moderate luck as well.” In reality, I had got best luck, but I didn’t want to tell them.

We also bought some omamori, especially since our exams were rapidly approaching. The food stalls were stacked with traditional New Year’s-themed food and snacks; we took a break and bought some to replenish our energy.

“Ri-chan-sensei!”

Haruno-sensei approached us at a rapid speed, the sound of her wooden shoes clanking against the pavement.

“Sorry. I woke up late.”

I assumed she was the one Sensei was waiting for outside the entrance. Our group of seven became a group of eight. Sensei and I walked side by side through the busy crowd. An unspoken tension hung between us, our once easy banter now punctuated by fleeting glances and hesitant smiles. There was still the mystery about something she wanted to tell me.

This awkwardness continued into the first week of school. We barely interacted with one another when we encountered each other in the halls. Even my friends noticed the distance between us.

“Sozen, you haven’t gone to the nurse’s office in a while. Did something happen?”

“Oh, no. Nothing happened. I just haven’t had the time to see her since I’ve been so preoccupied with revision.”

“What is the deal with you and the nurse anyway? Are you related or something?”

“No.”

“They’re dating.”

“Huh!?” Everyone yelled out in unison.

“We’re not!”

“Yeah! They’re not!” butted Karou.

Sensei and I weren’t dating, but there was clearly something between us. We weren’t lovers, but we were more than friends. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I knew my heart would beat faster whenever I saw her. I decided that it was time to confront her.

I could hear voices coming from the nurse’s office. I recognised one of them as Sensei’s, but I didn’t recognise the other one. I decided to peek through the glass and saw Sensei and a man talking to one another. He looked like another teacher. I couldn’t hear them clearly, but from his expressions and movements, it looked like he was flirting with her. Who was this man? What did he think he was doing? He was touching Sensei’s shoulder nonchalantly. Before they could see me, I walked away, feeling somewhat hurt after seeing those two together.

The next day, Sensei tried approaching me, but after remembering what I saw the other day, I simply ignored her.

“Kurosawa, can we talk in my office?”

“Sorry, but I’m kind of busy right now. I’ll come to the office another day.”

“Ah, okay. No worries.”

Numerous times, she tried to get my attention, but the sight of her and the other teacher talking to each other so casually kept playing in my head, and I couldn’t face her due to this.

“Kurosawa, did I do something to offend you? If that’s the case, I’m really sorry.”

She even texted me, but I never replied.

“Sozen. Your phone keeps ringing.”

“Leave it. I’ll check it later.”

I could not understand why I was acting this way. Why was I angry after seeing her and the other teacher together? They were colleagues, but the way they looked at each other gave me the impression they were more than that. Am I jealous? But why would I be jealous? It wasn’t like we were dating. We were simply a student and a teacher. For someone as beautiful as Sensei, it made sense that suitors would seek her attention. But this was the first time I had seen an adult male want to connect with Sensei. Previously, her dates would either cancel or ghost her, but this teacher seemed to be really interested in her. I was somewhat happy for her. Despite this, I had the desire to keep her all to myself. There was turmoil within me. But I had no say in how Sensei lived her life. If she truly liked this guy, then who was I to stand in their way?

After that, I would see them walking down the hallway together, laughing and sharing stories with one another. I couldn’t bear the sight, so I would hide whenever I saw them.

Am I jealous?