Self

I always wished for a moment of peace;

Blissful peace…

But sometimes, fate seems to forsake people.

Thus, I am paying the price for my sins;

Searching for atonement… searching for a ray of hope engulfed in emptiness…

I am stuck in infinity… I do not know where is up, where is down, I cannot distinguish near from far, everything is cold, rather, freezing. It's dark… very dark… I have the sensation that I am being watched. I cannot feel my fingers. I want to rip my skin apart. To stick steel rods through my ribs and pass away. The tormenting loneliness is heavier than any form of physical punishment. I tried to scream, but not a sound came out of me. Time itself seems to be speeding past me, while I remain stationary. The world changes, but I do not. I sink in an eerie silence. My insides seem to be twisting and twirling inside my body, which seems to be missing. My chest feels heavy, but I do not have one at the moment. I figured that this may be a dream. A really bad dream. Even so… when am I going to wake up? Time seems to be passing even more. Then suddenly - the emptiness cracks up. I raise my sight toward it, when a black entity shows itself… It's figure seems to be deformed. It's standing creepily still, while light basks it from behind. Maybe this is my salvation? My only ray of hope? As I get closer and closer to it, it's head moves in a sporadic manner, as if it's rejecting me…

[Welcome, little one. Welcome to yourself…] myself…? What-

[This is but a figment of your imagination, and I am a part of it. My name does not concern you at this moment. Heed my words, and you will prevail.] I sure do not believe a word of what this… shape saying to me…

[I would suggest that you keep calm, do not irritate me. As I appear to be a part of yourself, I can very well read your inner thoughts and wishes. You present me with disbelief… You must be under the wrong impression that this is a dream.] I froze. Faced with the entity, I can clearly see a familiar face, yet it does not resemble me. It's figure appears to be one of a woman's.

[I am once again reminding you that this is your imagination. See me however you like, and my image will change...] Isn't there a way to do something about this temperature?

[I see no problem with the current temperature. The sensation of cold embodies a form of mystery, a feeling of loneliness… fitting for you.] But still… I want it to change…

[To change "it", you must take initiative first. Make yourself the change.] But how…

[Sometimes, being yourself can be enough. But also, there should be an equivalent amount of work put in to make things happen. Surely you do not expect things to happen by not taking action.] I wish I could…

[Allow me to demonstrate this. Take a seat over there.] a seat appeared out of nowhere behind me. I accept her offer and sit down sweating… something messed up is going to happen soon… [You are not wrong.] Wait what?

[For one to make a change, one must take action. To take action means putting in a form of effort to literally change the state of something, or to receive something in exchange at a later time. Makes sense?] Not really… [Lend me your right arm.] My right arm? I thought I didn't have one… [You did not. As soon as I mentioned your arm, it materialized. Do not forget. This is inside of yourself.] I think I get it now… but how does this change anything?

[How do you feel?] Huh? [I said how do you feel? Do not make me repeat myself] Well… with you holding my hand like that… I feel pretty calm… however, I cannot help but feel a sense of danger coming… [So you are calm… right?] Yes, I am.

[Now. Allow me to show you the result of taking action.] She pulled a small knife from behind her and started humming a familiar classical tune… I start to lose my composure. [As you can see, this is a knife. Despite it being small, it can cut flesh.] Surely you don't mean…

[What do you think?] I think I get where you are going with this idea… We should stop… [Take a deep breath…] as soon as she said that, she made a cut under the base of my palm. A deep one. It hurts.

[It does not hurt. This is just a trick played by your mind.] What appears to be blood pours outside of the cut. I feel like fainting but I resist because the words "this is only your imagination" kept resonating around me just to keep me sane.

[What do we have here…] she sticks her fingers inside the cut and grabs a vein. Without a remorse, she just pulls it out slowly, ripping the skin out throughout my whole forearm… An agonizing pain envelops my whole soul.

[Look how clean these are. Don't you think so?] I slowly nod my head as the trembling figure stares down on me. Her creepy movement makes me want to cry, but I hold it in. […] I stare deeply at my disfigured arm. I cannot believe this happened to me. Now I wish I was lonely…

[Right. Now how do you feel?] C-could have been better… [Point proven. A few moments ago you were being calm. Now, you feel something different. Notice how easy it is to change something by putting in an effort. I was able to change your mental state just by pulling a knife out. I know this because I am a part of yourself. No matter what you tell me, I will always know what you're deeply thinking.] Right… I try to keep in the urge to throw up.

[Now imagine how you can make something change. Just by taking initiative, you can make a change. Don't just let your feeble life pass by like this.] I see…

[I should tell you how you got here. I could have done this before but I got carried away. My apologies.] It's… okay… I don't mind, I always forget stuff. My arm looks like it's lost a lot of blood. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt at all…

[Were you, by any change, given some sort of card with black writing on it?] These words pierced my soul. I remember that I received a business card from a private investigator called Oye Aki… [Hmm is that so…] the entity remains silent for a moment. [Also, have you been in contact with some sort of item that reflects your image?] A mirror on a few occasions. But why? You seem like you're making stuff up, what are you, really? [What you received back then may have seemed like just an ordinary business card. But if you were to look closely at it, there was a special kind of ink used to write. It's called Ventoriun ink. It has a special ability that when touched for some time, it can project images to one's mind. If somebody were to sleep near it, the manifestations begin to get stronger, letting someone inside of themselves.] It's a bit complicated… but I follow. But what's with the mirror? [Yes, you may call them mirrors if you like. Tell me what you were exactly seeing through that "mirror" of yours.] For starters, I am able to see familiar figures through them. Some sort of lesser spirits that can interact with me through the mirror, but I cannot. The only thing I am able to do is to watch. [Anything else?] Yes. I seem to travel through time somehow, usually skipping a few days while staring down a mirror. [As I expected. Those "mirrors" contain Ventoriun, projecting images through the reflection. I would suggest staying away from them for a while.] I understand… I feel like going to sleep. My eyelids are heavy as rocks... [Probably because of the blood loss.] Quite possibly…

[I enjoyed our little conversation. Make sure to come visit more often. Who knows… maybe there is something that you can learn next time. I don't know if you are aware, but you are lucky that someone "woke" you up last time. I saw that you were trying to enter yourself.] Yes I think… I had a heatstroke and fell asleep somehow on my couch… [Is that so… well, at least you know how to get here.] Sleep next to Ventoriun? What happens… if I just touch it for a long time? What sort of images does it project inside my head…? [That is for you alone to discover. So long, and good luck.]

The entity disappeared in the distance, while I remained sitting on a chair with my veins out of my left arm. I started to remember what she told me. I must take action to change something right? So if I just try putting them back inside my arm, will I be able to expect a result? Without hesitation, I picked them up slowly and placed them inside my left arm. I felt how my stomach twisted when I grabbed them. I never thought that I will see this sort of image any soon…

With my arm fixed, a bright line shines on my face. I try to look at it, but it's too bright for my eyes. I feel as if an overwhelming presence is watching over me. Suddenly, the chair disappears from under me and I fall once again, guided by the light.

I woke up confused and in a cold sweat. After quickly checking to see if my arm was in proper shape, I let out a slight sigh of relief. I still don't know if what happened was real, or if it was only a nightmare. At the very least, I will try to follow that entity's teachings…