Still a Bad Person

When my parents named me, they were expecting the first snow of the season. And so, I became Yuki Shimizu.

My very loving parents hadn't gotten married out of love, but instead, they were faraway acquaintances who saw it beneficial to get married. Their married life was calculated and every risk was instantly cut off. My Mom used to joke about it; my Dad asked her on the first date if she wanted to have children. If she did, then how many? And what her thoughts were about parenting.

I told them, "That would be very creepy. And you still married him, so you're weird too."

His excuse was, that he did not want to lead on a woman if he'd later have to leave her over something like that. His family wanted a son, so he would only fall in love with a woman who would promise to give him that. As scary as that might sound to a young college girl, my Mom was attracted to this straightforward man. There wouldn't be any need for arguments or misunderstandings if every next step was taken with so much prior discussion.

So, when months went by and the 'female friend' I brought over to my house did not become my girlfriend, my parents were devastated. What even were my intentions with her?

I did not talk to Saeko about anything. She'd baked a cake, I'd tell her I don't like sweet things. She'd ask me to watch a movie with her and I'd show no interest in the film she picked. Saeko didn't ask and I didn't answer. It was that simple... well, at least to me.

Every time my parents joked about her marrying into our family, I'd feel uncomfortable and shut the door to my room. Saeko would then sit with them in the dining room, awkwardly explaining to them that we were only friends and that she had come to meet with Hikari. When her friends teasingly called us 'engaged', she told them to not make up lies. And my own friends kept suggesting I go for prettier and more popular girls because it wouldn't be too difficult for me.

When I kissed her for the first time, it was in the heat of the moment. Saeko wore a yukata and we gazed at the fireworks. They sparkled against her eyes and her lips tasted like candied apple.

It must have been a huge hit to her pride when the next day I acted as if nothing happened.

Saeko was strong enough to help everyone around her, but she was also a weak frail girl. She cried when I kissed her the next time, hiding in the Literature Club room that no one used. And then to stop her from crying, like the real bad guy I was, I kissed her again.

Till the end, Saeko did not become my girlfriend. But I did everything with her that high school kids could do. We went on dates, we kissed, and when no one looked, we tumbled down the sheets together. We became familiar with each other's presence, and she did not expect me to give her an answer. Maybe she was in love with me. I don't know. 

What I didn't notice was that all this happened under the watchful eyes of a child. 

"I wonder if my father did the same thing with my Mom, that you're doing with Saeko... maybe that's how I was born," Hikari said sarcastically, and I beat him. He had bruises in many different places; I'd never physically hit him before that. Thinking about it now, it was a disgusting thing I did. I should've noticed when he didn't fight back. He could have landed a few hits too, but he did not fight it. He cried quietly and didn't move till I stopped.

Mom and Dad begged him to tell them what happened. They wanted to know who had beat him up, but he did not open his mouth. He didn't tell them what I was up to, and he didn't tell on me when I hit him.

That was also probably when Saeko lost her mind.

Saeko couldn't ask me a question as simple as, "Why did you hit him?" Because, the moment we'd start talking about one thing, another question would be raised and then another.

She tried to hide Hikari from me as if I'd do it again. As if I was unreasonable, and that if he didn't stay out of my way, I'd harm him. She taught him to never question me. She forced him to know his place in our family, that my parents did not love him as much as they'd love me and that he shouldn't ask to be loved by them.

The child who never cared about anyone else became more and more like Saeko. He dissolved into his surroundings. His teachers would forget that he was in the class. He wouldn't make friends, wouldn't appear in class photographs and wouldn't be noticed.

He couldn't mimic her genuine kindness, but he learned her tricks to camouflage anywhere.

It irked me when he made eye contact with me, a look of terror would come over his face, and he would run away from the spot immediately. He behaved around me like I was a monster.

In the final few months of high school, she joined the dying Literature club and I was the student council President. There was a major fight between the treasurer of the Student Council and the club's President. It was an argument about, how the club did not win any prizes, and people joined it only to waste time. It was mostly true, but Saeko had disagreed.

"People use this room for indecent things. You'd know better than anyone."

She slapped me. "Yuki, what are we?" She whispered and started crying. Everyone blamed the man, because it couldn't have been the girl's fault. That was the last straw, probably.

No amount of convincing from either of our parents could make her talk to me again. Hikari was invisible those days, I don't even remember seeing him accidentally. She'd apologized to him and stopped meeting him too. Saeko's own little brother was hidden away from all this mess.

We looked very similar, Hikari and I, so she must've been reminded of me every time she saw him. And later, as much as I was allowed to know, Saeko made a fresh start in college. She left behind everything, including me and a heartbroken Hikari. Still, he was happy for her, since she could find someone better than me and be happy. Alas, God did not let that happen either.

My family didn't go to the funeral, except maybe Hikari had sneaked in.

He was starting high school too, and his whole persona was different now. He did not hide from me anymore. He appeared mature and grown up, and he appeared at peace. Maybe he'd forgotten all his weird hobbies and the abnormal ways he used to dress himself. Or maybe he buried them somewhere deep inside his heart and became a real man. 

Back when he didn't hate me so much, he had advised me, "Treat her well, while you still can." While she still let's you. 

I sometimes wonder, how hard would it have been to just date her normally. Or, why didn't I simply say no, when the time was right? Why did I give her so much false hope?

I think I liked her enough that I did not want to be separated from her. But something like dating, at least that, I didn't want to do with my parents' approval. I had grown up doing everything they asked of me, even when they raised Hikari expecting the bare minimum from him.

I had to be the best at everything, or else I wouldn't even deserve a birthday cake.

After Saeko died, I rebelled and did all the things I could never bring myself to do, afraid of disappointing my parents. I got into a design course, even when my parents called it pointless. I grew out my hair and dyed it like idols on TV. I stopped trying my best to please them.

Those were just excuses though, I was still a bad person.