Heavy Metal Angst

My relationship with Haruto Saiki is over. There’s nothing else to say about it. I left the rooftop with a heavy weight in my heart. I felt like a prisoner walking towards the gallows of depression. Is this what normies feel like whenever they get separated from someone who became close to them?

I changed out of my school shoes and left the building. I reached the entrance gate and was met by the most unexpected person ever. “Hey,” greeted Jubara Ryuki with a wave. He invited me to join him at KABANG! and I accepted it because what the hell?

We both sat the bar and I ordered a soda while Ryuki went with a light alcoholic drink (he was already of age). As we drank, he asked me questions about my day, school, friends—you know, the typical stuff. I did the same to him, although my speech was a little halfhearted and I just did it out of etiquette. Apparently, he was on break from college and decided to stay in town. And then, the conversation turned to the album. He threw his praises on it and hearing his words made me smile a bit. He told me that he had listened to it in its entirety in his dorm room right on the day of its release—Saiki had told him about it while he was here.

“Thank you,” I told him once he was finished raving. And then I returned back to how I was before.

Ryuki appeared to be worried about me and asked, “Are you okay?”

“It’s nothing,” I quickly told him.

“Did you finally meet Haruto Ichiko?” he asked.

“How did you know?” I asked him, wide-eyed.

“Wait, you actually did?” he replied in surprise. “I was only making a wild guess.”

“Well, you guessed right,” I told him.

“I’m guessing that your first meeting didn’t go all that great,” he said. I didn’t say anything in reply. “She’s a pretty tough woman, isn’t she?”

“You met her before?” I asked Ryuki.

“When I was a second-year in high school and Saiki was a third-year high middle student, we dated,” said Ryuki. “Of course, I went to a different high school not too far from here. But we met through Goro, Nijigami’s drummer. He is actually Haruto Ichiko’s current session drummer, a position he filled since Saiki was a toddler. In fact, Saiki looks up to him like an uncle. Anyway, I was an up-and-coming musician and one day, Goro brought Saiki to see a performance I was giving at my school’s festival. That day was the day Nijigami was born.”

I really couldn’t believe that I was hearing the actual origin story of one of my most favorite bands in the entire world told by one of its founders—it felt very surreal! Although I was very grateful to be able to share this moment with Ryuki, my emotions remained the same as they were since yesterday.

“We dated for a while until I got accepted into college and had to leave the band,” he continued. “But during those years that we were together, we had some great fun and made some great music.” He laughed a bit as he reminisced. “Anyway, when I first met Saiki’s mother, I seriously thought I was going to get executed or something. I mean, she was that scary!”

“And what happened?” I asked, intrigued by where this story was going.

“Well, she didn’t like me at first, of course. When I told her I was a guitarist, she immediately began to criticize and assumed that I was a rocker.”

“But you are a rocker,” I said.

“That’s the thing,” he concurred. “But that day, Goro was also there. He managed to smooth things over by introducing me as a classical guitarist. Saiki’s mother was a little suspicious at first, and I don’t blame her, but I managed to bullshit my way through by playing a series of shred solos using neoclassical phrasing.” I couldn’t help but laugh at how he managed to fool Haruto Ichiko, and it looked like he didn’t mind it at all. In fact, he joined in laughing too.

“Well, that’s one way to do it,” I said in between laughter.

After we sobered up, Ryuki took a look at the clock and said that he had to leave. “Anyway, good luck, Shiomi,” he said before leaving. My expression slowly returned to the way they were before as I watched Ryuki leave the venue.

And then, I was by myself again. To be honest, hearing that Ryuki and Saiki had dated back then, and for a while too, didn’t really irked me as much as it should’ve. My heart was too preoccupied to really react how I would personally react to learning something like that. I heaved out a depressing sigh.

“Hey,” came a voice from beside me. I glanced to my right and noticed Juri taking a seat next to me. “I heard what’s happened.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Ikki told me,” she said with a small smile. “Haruto Ichiko,” she said with a whistle. “She’s one big fish. Did you know that she tried to shut down KABANG! before when she learned that a lot of her students had been hanging out around here? She attributed it to the venue “brainwashing” them with our “disgusting music”.”

“That sounds like her,” I commented.

“She’s very protective of her daughter,” said Juri.

“I know,” I replied back.

“Saiki is the only child she has,” said Juri.

“I see,” I replied back.

Juri twiddled her fingers with an awkward look on her face. She was wearing the same face as someone who knew something and was debating on whether or not it should remain secret. After a few minutes of deliberation, she closed her eyes and let out a confident sigh. “That Monday, right after school, Saiki came here to venue late at night,” she revealed.

“What? Why?” I asked her.

“That night, she came to KABANG! with tears streaming down her eyes,” recounted Juri. “She was crying her heart out and Nao and I helped her to the bar and calmed her down. When we asked why she was here, she told us that she had ran away from home.”

“She ran away from home?” I asked worriedly.

“She said that her mother had found out about the album and was furious with her,” explained Juri. “Saiki told us that when she went home that day, she found her mother in her room and discovering her stash of rock and metal merchandise: albums, shirts, posters, tickets, accessories. They were confiscated and dumped into the trash.”

“That’s horrible!” I exclaimed. “How did she found out about the album?”

“Apparently, Haruto Ichiko had heard it through one of her students,” Juri told me. “She recognized Saiki’s voice immediately, and, upon learning that it was a rock and metal album, she forbid Saiki from having anything to do with rock music ever again. Luckily, she didn’t learn about Nijigami, but she was extremely furious at how corrupted her daughter had become. Throughout the entire ordeal, Saiki was begging and pleading with her mother, but her mother didn’t listen to her. Her mother then proceeded to question her about who introduced her to this ‘disgusting music’, but Saiki refused to say. Instead, she stormed out of the house and came here to KABANG!”

I was angry at myself for not knowing any of this. Saiki had suffered through a lot. She was suffering while I wasn’t able to do anything for her but add more to her pain. I had been a complete jerk to her! I was too selfish and quickly became offended at her for ignoring me without at first considering her own feelings. Sure, I didn’t know about it at first. But after hearing it from Juri, I felt like the biggest jerk in the entire world!

“What happened after that?” I asked her with a grimace.

“After about an hour, she made the decision to go back home,” said Juri. “I could only assume by what Ikki told me that she couldn’t escape her mother’s wishes.” She then quickly did a one-eighty and said, “Anyway, great job with the album!” Suddenly, the sound of a large smack made me jump in my seat. “Ow! What was that for?” whined Juri, rubbing the back of her head.

“Stop being so insensitive,” scolded Nao with a frown.

“I was congratulating him!” argued Juri with a pout.

“Learn to read the atmosphere,” snapped Nao. She then turned to me and smiled sweetly. “Sorry for her behavior.”

“I-It’s fine,” I told her with a small smile.

“Are you doing alright?” she asked me sincerely.

“To be honest, I feel like throwing up,” I told her.

“I know that this must be hard for you,” said Nao, taking the seat on my left, “but the only advice I can give you is to give it time. You’re angry and confused, but Saiki is, too. She may appear like she’s going along with her mother’s wishes, but she’s going through some heavy stuff, I assure you. Just give her some time to sort it out.”

I understood what she was saying. I simply nodded my head and stood up. “Thank you,” I told them and then I made my way for the door.

“Hey, you just made them sadder!” I heard Juri say to Nao.

“I only gave him some useful advice,” replied back Nao.

“What do mean by ‘give her time’? He should just run over to her house and confront her mom!” said Juri.

“You know just how influential and scary Haruto Ichiko is,” countered Nao.

“She may be scary, but she has no right to be a bi—!”

By this time, I had exited the venue. I walked back home with a sullen face that would’ve gotten me mistaken for a ghost by little children. Once I got back, I went straight to my room. I sat on my bed and did nothing. What was there to do? I went deep into my thoughts and replayed everything that had happened up to now. Have you ever entered your own mind before just to replay your memories, especially those memories that were very important to you?

The first memory that I went to was that night that I first discovered Haruto Saiki’s secret. Never would I have guessed that the school idol that I once declared the queen of the normies to be the singer of my favorite local band. Next, it was my very first concert with her. That day, after spending it shopping at a record shop together, I really felt like a connection was made between me and her. Next, it was the beach. Although I at first despised having to participate in normie activities, I must admit, they were really fun. Then it was our recording sessions. Those days were some of the most precious days of my life. I couldn’t help but smile when I thought about them. The last memory I went to was the launch party. That day was the last day that I saw Saiki. And it was the last day that we had any sort of relationship.

I walked up to grab my guitar and strapped it on. I turned on the amp and my fingers went to work. The memories were still fresh on my mind and my body began to translate them into song. My fingers moved up and down the fretboard, striking the notes that felt the most natural. And then, I formed a riff that spoke to the memories inside of me.

I opened my laptop and began to record. I played the riff a few times and then progressed to build an entire song. The phrasing came naturally, the chords were all based on intuition, and the structure was viscerally composed. I poured all of my emotions into this one song. Once I was done with the skeleton, I proceeded to build onto it to create a full song. I didn’t mean to set out and make a song today, but inspiration just struck.

I strapped on one of the few bass guitars I had and added a very emotive bass line. It followed the rhythm but still had an independent identity that separated it from the guitar. I could only describe it as poignant and rhythmically impassioned.

Once that was done, I went straight to the drums. I programmed them using my laptop and created a drum line that was pounding but emotional at the same time. It relayed all of the angst I had inside of me.

I then moved on to create leads. I used harmonies and runs and phrasing that was evocative of nostalgia and the well of emotions that was swirling inside of me. I played some lead delicately, some aggressively, some ponderously, and some intuitively. It just poured out of me like a river that I couldn’t put a cap on.

When I was done with the meat of the song, I made the conscious decision to add some synths and pads. I used one for ambience and atmosphere, another for harmonies, another for orchestral and strings, and another for melody. They helped to add some substance to the song and it really spoke to my soul.

Now, whenever I write a song, I never really consider lyrics. But this time, I just had this urge to write some. I told you before that I’m no lyricist. However, after spending some time with Saiki, I think that I get the gist of it. But don’t expect them to come out all poetic and cleverly written like hers. When I thought about them, like the music, they just flowed out of me. I quickly jot them down on my laptop and a melody immediately came to mind. These were the lyrics to my song:

“Surprise/I never believed that looks were deceiving till the day I met you/I thought I was out of my mind/But you showed me how to have a good time. Man/The fun we shared is now forever etched into my mind/I never want to go back/To the time when my life was black. But now you’re gone/I’m all alone/Can you hear my call/Is this the end of it all? My memories/That’s all I have/You’re gone from me/I can’t get past/My enemy/Is my own self and I can’t take this anymore! My memories/They come pouring out/In front of me/Reminds me how/We used to be/Happy together but now our bond, it’s gone forever! Stop/I can’t take another day accepting that it has to be this way/I’m out of my mind/And I’m out of time. Why/Is this some kind of joke that fate has played on us all/I want to end it all/This torture’s got to stop! But now you’re gone/I’m all alone/Can you hear my call/Is this the end of it all? My memories/That’s all I have/You’re gone from me/I can’t get past/My enemy/Is my own self and I can’t take this anymore! My memories/They come pouring out/In front of me/Reminds me how/We used to be/Happy together but now our bond, it’s gone forever!”

I recorded myself singing those lyrics and poured everything I had into them. I wasn’t a singer by stretch of the imagination, but I just couldn’t hold myself back. I just had this urge to vomit it all out; if I didn’t do this, I really believed that I would explode.

The very last thing that I did to complete the song was add a guitar solo. The emotion was there and I knew what I wanted to say, but when I strapped my guitar back on, I froze. I suddenly didn’t know how to translate it all into music. It wanted to come out and, but didn’t know how to take shape. What was the best way for me to approach this? How should I tell my story through this solo piece? Why was it so hard for me to do this when everything else came out so perfectly? The pieces were there and I can see them clearly in my head! But…. I looked at my guitar with a glum expression. Had I exhausted all of my emotions already? Was what I’m feeling right now just remnants of what has already been expressed?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What am I doing? What was I thinking? Was this song really necessary? I glanced at my laptop and the completed instrumental tracks suddenly reignited the passion I had in making this song. This song right here…this song is my release. The emotions returned to me and my fingers softly graced the fretboard. And then, letting my emotions and instincts take over, I crafted my solo. I blazed through it, instilling it with all of the other emotions that I wasn’t able to translate through the other tracks: uneasiness, desire, surrender, rage, and confidence. I played it for a good seven minutes; it came out so naturally from me that I didn’t know where to stop. Once I did reach a satisfactory stopping place, I listened to it again. The solo spoke to me and felt perfect for the song, but even I knew that it was too long to include it in its entirety. After a few repeat listens and some deliberation, I managed to cut it down to a good one minute.

Once I finished the entire song and mixed it, I titled it “My Memories” and uploaded it onto 7Muses under my own account, which uses the same handle as my ITube handle. To be honest, I was a little hesitant at first about publishing a song like this—my finger froze over the pad when I came to the page to publish it. But I steeled myself and did it.

The song was published and I closed my laptop. I sat back in my chair with my head hung back and my eyes on the ceiling. After doing all of that, I questioned myself on whether or not it was the right thing to do. On the one hand, I’m a musician and music is the only way I know how to express myself. On the other hand, was it really necessary to create a song like that and publish for everyone to witness? Sure, I was looking for catharsis, but was this really the right way of doing things?

The internal struggle was really getting on my nerves and I decided to alleviate it with some music. I put on my headphones and clicked on a random playlist. The music played and I let myself melt into it. I had my eyes closed and my ears opened and my mind was empty. I stayed like this the entire time, staying still and just letting the music to wash over me. I didn’t feel like moving to the rhythm or singing along—I just wanted to let my emotions settle. I went through a good amount of songs before coming to one track that brought about a wave of nostalgia. The song was called “A Loveless Life is a Foolish Life”. And the band was none other than Nijigami.

“A Loveless Life is a Foolish Life” was off of the band’s self-titled debut. I remembered the first day I bought the album and listened to it in its entirety. It was probably one of the happiest days of my life. The music was raw yet sophisticated, it was creative in ways that I had never considered before. After listening to the album, I had a feeling that this band was going to make it big. And I became a lifelong fan ever since.

But this song in particular, it was mid-tempo and crushing, but also catchy and emotional. And now that I know more about Nijigami’s history, and having listened to MetaDeath, I could pick out Ryuki’s playing and immediately recognized his style, which didn’t change much. But the thing that stood out to me the most, as was with all of Nijigami’s songs, was Saiki’s voice. I can never get enough of its angelic quality. But now, listening to it after everything that had happened, I couldn’t help but tear up. I wasn’t sad or depressed—I was angry. I was angry at myself for being the reason why Saiki has to suffer at the hands of her mother. Now, Saiki is forbidden from associating with rock music ever again! But more importantly, she was forbidden from associating with me.

The more I thought about this, the more my heart began to hurt. I gripped my chest and bent over in my seat. I hated this pain and I desperately wanted it to go away! How can I escape this torture?! Suddenly, I heard the chorus of the song and the lyrics spoke to me: “The sanctity of love is not a game/Broken hearts can be healed all the same/Don’t give in to the pain, to the demons, to the strife/After all, a loveless life is a foolish life.” I listened to those lyrics and something inside of me began to stir. I didn’t know what it was at first and my mind struggled to understand it. Suddenly, it struck me. I know now what it was that I was feeling. My true feelings are making themselves known. I love Haruto Saiki.