Time to Say Goodbye

With Asher gone, I should be sad. But I’m extremely, unbearably happy. Because I remember him. So much so that I could hardly sleep a wink last night, I was so excited for today to come. Because from today onwards, each and every day will be another day to be crossed out in my calendar until we meet again.

Now that I think about it you probably won’t be delighted to hear that I didn’t keep your promise. I know what you meant by your final words. You don’t wish for me to lead a solitary life and I should find someone for myself I can be happy with. But sorry, not sorry that’s just not gonna happen. Even if I were to hook up with someone it would only be to hone my skills until we meet again. Because I don’t need, I don’t want anyone else but you. Everyone else would only be a replacement. And I don’t want that. Also, no one deserves to be only that. That's why I cannot keep my promise. 

I know what you would say to this. That it’s easy for me to say now but I cannot know what the future may bring. That I might actually meet someone I like however improbable it may seem now.

The house seems so empty without you that sometimes I catch myself talking to you in my mind. Just like now. And you know what? Dad was a bit surprised at your sudden disappearance but wasn’t bothered by it in the least. He even seemed relieved. I know now is not the time to tell him I’m leaving, too but I will. You see, I decided to rent a house near the university. My excuse will be its closeness to the campus but in reality, it will enable me to distance myself from dad, from this house a bit. I am hoping for him to get used to my absence, so that when the time comes to tell him about you, in the event he throws me out it won’t hit me that hard because I will already be used to living alone. Also, I will have a place to return to as well.

I spent the first few days after you left getting ready to make this change, to prepare everything for my moving out of this house. Of course, dad wasn’t thrilled by the idea when he heard it but I managed to convince him somehow.

At least that’s what I thought until I received a message from Mimi that she would like to see me. I bet dad told her that I was moving out and she realized by now that we would live even farther from each other than now. Sorry.

******

Mimi arrived on time as if she was afraid that if she came late I’ll be long gone by then. I was in the middle of packing my stuff into suitcases and boxes. Everything, not wishing to leave even a pair of socks behind. When she finally stepped into the room after being told where I was, I suppose, she stared at the open wardrobes, most of them already empty and the filled boxes everywhere. She was visibly shocked to see it.

“So, you are really leaving,” she said.

“Not forever. I’ll just live closer to the university. It’s more convenient like that,” I told her matter-of-factly.

“But you’ll be far from everything else,” she said in a low voice, not looking at me.

“It’s not like we cannot meet ever again. We can meet as many times as you want. Like in the old days,” I told her as I was packing some books into a box and only realized it too late that I probably shouldn’t have said this.

“It will never be like in the old days again,” she said and looked up at me for the first time since she came in.

“You are right. We were children back then. It’s different.”

“Not only that...,” she said and took a few steps toward me. I stopped what I was doing in anticipation of her answer which already made me uneasy even before she said it. “I think you are aware that our parents want us to get married. And that I don’t have anything against it. Since I have always...”

“Try as you might, I still won’t marry you,” I interrupted her cruelly because I didn’t want her to say something she would only regret later because I couldn't reciprocate it.

“Why?” she shouted at me suddenly. “So that you can hit it off with that nobody?” I was just in the middle of packing my golf shoes in a box when I looked up at her from the box appalled. “What, are you surprised that I know?” she continued. “Yeah, I saw you two kissing in the kitchen the last time I came here,” she added. “And don’t you dare deny it! I even saw your tongue for God’s sake!” She stood only a few feet away from me but it felt like she was already a thousand miles away and is nothing like the friend I took her to be. Perhaps, she never was, it was only me thinking that we were friends all along. Maybe that’s why I had no idea what she was going to say but I definitely didn’t expect to hear this. I clenched my hand into a fist but tried to maintain a blank expression on my face.

“He is not a nobody. Not for me anyway. I’ve never thought he is, not even for a second,” I said coldly and continued packing. I definitely didn’t expect her to rush over to me and kneel beside the box so that she could grab my arm to make me look at her.

“You should’ve told me at least,” she said and now she was crying.

“Why? Would it have made a difference if I did?” I asked not looking at her. Her hands were small and elegant compared to mine. I could have shaken her off since her grip wasn’t that tight. But I still remembered that little girl, who was my first-ever friend. I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

“At least I wouldn’t have any hope to cling on then. Because it’s far worse than knowing that something is hopeless,” she said and raised her hand to wipe her teary eyes.

“I am sorry,” I told her and I felt it from the bottom of my heart. I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this, but I leaned over and hugged her. “I know it’s not much of a consolation but I always considered you as my sister. And I was truly devastated when you moved abroad with your family,” I said seriously which made her sob even more.

“It’s me who should say sorry,” she said when she finally regained her composure and let me go. “You’ve never actually shown any signs of liking me more than a friend. But I still hoped that I at least have a chance. Especially because of our parents’ support.”

“It’s good you realized that,” I said and stood up to continue packing.

“Is this why you are moving out?” she asked suddenly which made me freeze for a moment. “Because I doubt your father knows about you two and even if he did, he would never approve of it.”

“No. But you’re right about one thing. He would never approve, so that’s why I didn’t tell him.”

“You’re insane!” she said in a shrill voice and stood up quickly. “Are you gonna have a double life or what?”

“Not planning to do that. I will talk with him about this one day. Just not today. I need to become more independent first and have enough achievements to make myself an integral part of his company. By then, even if he gets rid of me, it won’t matter because I’ll have enough money and work experience to either start over somewhere from the beginning or to establish my own company. If either of them works, it will already be a success.

“You really are insane,” she said completely shocked. “You must like him very much if you dare to risk losing everything for him.” As she said this, I couldn’t help but hear some bitter sadness in her voice which was also visible on her face.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then, I wish you the best of luck,” she said and smiled at me with her eyes still gleaming from some leftover teardrops.

“I know it’s hard to believe now but I am certain that one day you will meet someone way better than me, Mimi,” I told her earnestly.

“You bet I will,” she declared vehemently on her way out but turned back for a moment before leaving. “I know it’s too much to ask for but I hope I can remain your sister at least.”

“You will always be my oldest friend and the sister I never had,” I assured her and I realized I was speaking the truth.

After she left, I felt a sense of sadness enveloping me but I didn’t let it take control over me as I still had a lot of things to do. And first, with someone to talk to.